one of our worst days. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

i realise ‘worst’ is a relative term. but to me it was our worst day.

alrite so after dinner when I’m washing my dishes she [sorry ‘she’ being the lady] asks if i have the check from my mom. and I tell her I do and it’s.........somewhere. [honestly last night i’d completely forgotten to leave it in the place where we leave notes]. and she’s like ‘well i need it tonight actually’ and I go ‘i’ll give it to you later’.

So about an hr. after dinner she comes up to my room and asks for it. ad I’m like ‘well do you need it for your records or? i’m just trying to understand why you need it tonight’. and she’s ‘well it’s my money’. [my mom wrote her a re-imbursement check for the new computer charger]. yes i understand that and that’s fine. but maybe on Sat. night [and i don’t know i’m just making this up] which tonight is she records when/where she spends her money. i don’t need to know any other details other than that. like that i’d understand more. if I knew that detail. but she doesn’t tell me and i don’t push it. like I need to know why this is happening. telling me ‘no you just can’t ‘ or ‘no i need it tonight’ doesn’t help and that also doesn’t work. i don’t need all the details just a small bit. if she needs it to keep track of her spending or to pay bills or forsomething else then that’s fine. like that’s ok.

then again i don’t have much room to talk. and the following is the reason.

So then she asks for the extra cash I got from my mom. and I tell her i’ll give it to her later and told her how much it is and where i’ll leave it and. she’s like ‘is it a control thing? it’s fine if it is’ and me being who I am goes ‘no just preference’. well. I’d planned to put both envelopes in the place I put notes. and i’d planned to do that tonight. cause prior to tonight i didn’t know she needed it right away. and i also didn’t know why. still don’t. See doing things like that last minute you cannot do that. cause I A didn’t know and 2 don’t like surprises. had she told my mom earlier in the wk. when she needed it by and had my mom told me I would’ve been like ‘oh ok’. and left the envelopes where i put notes. and then we wouldn’t’ve had this issue. also if I want someone to know something or i feel they should I’ll be the one to bring it up. trying to figure me/stuff like that out doesn’t work.

and she also said something about how awhile ago when I got home [ok i’d be a lot more agreeable/less annoyed if people would stop using that word around me. also it’s not ‘home’. home is a feeling not a place. it’s my house/the house/her house i have a pretty big aversion to that word]. that my mom had called and she’d asked about w/e it was cause I hadn’t given w/e it was to the lady. and she might do that again. well great now i’m paranoid. and even more anxious than usual. that’s.......that’s awesome. a lot of help that was. and she’s [the lady i mean] like ‘well if she calls and asks i’ll just have to tell her I don’t have it’. uh ok good to know. and? I was already annoyed by the her wanting me to give her the check tonight thing. [which btw i did do.

alrite so this next thing. is the biggest thing that happened. So around 8:10 we did room checks. and..........she went through my suitcases. i was there but she didn’t warn me before and i didn’t give her permission to do that. and it’s not like there’s anything incriminating in there. cause there’s not. no cause i’m not gonna make the same mistake twice. [well actually that’s not a thing. cause the first time it’s a mistake and the next it’s a choice]. but she just fukin invaded my privacy. and yes i was there and I was considering leaving cause i was getting somewhat angry and when I’m angry I don’t like to just.sit there. and leaving would’ve accompliished my not just sitting there. but I should be there during room checks and I’ve always been. but it’s my stuff. it’s not her stuff. I wouldn’t go through her stuff w/o first notifying her. I don’t even feel ok going through someone’s purse/bag/answering their phone w/o them telling me it’s ok. unless someone tells me it’s ok. i will not answer their phone.

So she found as she calls it ‘recycling’. [which well it technically is but i don’t think of it that way. i think of as stuff i’m keeping to visually remind me that i need to get more. and taking photos won’t work cause then i’d put the photos in like a drawer or somewhere and forget about them. and writing it down only sometimes works]. and she’s like ‘i thought you take your recycling to your mom’s?’ yeah ido but I only have so much room in my bags. so. i can’t possibly get it all at once.

and i had a bit of dried rice on the floor. and she was telling me how since it’ll get cold spiders and mice will want to be where it’s warm and they’re attracted to food. uh ok? good to know. i only care if the spiders/mice get into my stuff. that’s the only thing that makes an impact on me. soif she’s trying to make an impacton me by talking about their stuff and/or their/my safety well. that doesn’t woork.

yeah so during room checks at some point I go ‘um’ and she’s like ‘i’ll put it back’. oh it being the suitcase she was taking out of my closet. no that’s not the issue. the issue is a I never gave permission and 2 I wasn’t warned. I don’t remember having a discussion about this. no cause we didn’t. also at one point when we were talking about.something probably maybe the spider thing I went ‘i know it’s your house but’. it’s my stuff. but ya know. if you want to not have a discussion about it and not acknowledge me like i’m actually you know.a person and not an object.then go right the fuk ahead not like it’s you know.a problem or anything except oh wait. it is. this is exactly why I wouldn’t want this job. I would never want to be that person. now I have been but I’m a lot better about it than I used to be.

so after all that. i somewhat exploded on fb. cause when something goes wrong that’s where i go.on fb. and this was my update: ‘ok well. now i have almost no privacy. fine go through my stuff w/o warning me that’s fine not like it’s. you know a problem or anything. alrite well what she went through is moving [via me] cause i’m not giving her another chance. i shouldn’t’ve even given her this one. but i thought i’d be warned and i was stupid enough to believe that. but that’s fine. [there wasn’t anything incriminating in my stuff and good thing there wasn’t. but that’s beside the point. i am an insanely private person]. ‘
.............yeah.

also.when we were talking about the spider thing she’s like ‘i wouldn’t want you to get bitten by one’ well me either but i don’t plan on that. [ok yes i realise sometimes things happen that we don’t plan on/for]. and once again.if i was I wouldn’t tell her.I don’t tell when I get sick [and i get sick a lot cause of my ED]. I don’t tell her when I’m hungover I don’t tell her when........it’s that time again [when i get my period]. so that doesn’t work. cause again.i’m an insanely private person so.yeah.

So before she looked in the suitcase that.er so i have a suitcase that.well its zipper is broken. So before she looked in it I went ‘there are clothes in there’ as in.you don’t need to look in there so.........don’t. and she’s like ‘it’s not that i don’t believe you’ and she.still looked in it. fine don’t listen to me.

i do not fukin care why she looked in them.also i already know why so.don’t need to be told.it’s that she looked in them at all.

it’s a good thing I put the box that has my crystals in it and the one w/ the seed in it in my laundry. [btw my laundry’s clean]. cause no one’s touching that stuff unless i choose for them too. well also that and. last time we did room checks she went through a um former cigar box I had. actually i still have it. she asked what was in it and I told her business cards [which well there are i mean it’s true].and yet she still went through it. ok a no I wouldn’t tell her if i had razors in there and 2 i wouldn’t hide them where I know she’s going to look.i mean i’m not stupid. um but anyway.i know [well ok i don’t know but i hope to god she doesn’t] she won’t go through my laundry so. but the reason I put the boxes in there was bc if she went through that former cigar box i think when i first had it it was empty then I didn’t trust her not to go through the other 2 boxes so.

So, brooms. I have no problems w/ brooms in and of themselves but i don’t like using them to clean er sweep. [well sweeping’s a form of cleaning]. and here’s why. bc you have that long broom you use to sweep w/ and then sometimes that short dustpan you sweep things into. and then you have to bend down and pick up the dust pan. sure bending down was fine when I was like 10 but I was much shorter then. but now i don’t like it. so i use tissues to do what a person would do w/ a brroom. and it works just the same. and I hate using my bare hands to get stuff off the floor. and we have hardwood floors. my god hardwood floors. I only have 1 carpet in my room and when I use my bare hands to get stuff off the carpet I don’t mind as much. um. So she said something about cleaning up the rice and she’s like ‘i have a broom’. well i cleaned it myself by sweeping the rice onto paper and putting that in the trash. but when she told me that i thought she was going to do it herself and i.as i’ve mentioned i don’t like when people do things for me. I also don’t like and won’t clean in front of people. i feel like everyone’s all staring at me. as i’ve mentioned i am massively self conscious. [btw i got the rice cleaned up].

So then after all that.well I got some of the stuff from my boxes together and put them in a suitcase and my um computer case. I know that won’t stop her from having gone through my suitcases in the first place and I wish she either had wared me and we’d talked about it or .she’d never done it. but if she goes through those boxes again which she probably will.and w/o warning me too. then she won’t find anything. right cause there won’t be anything there for her to find. and I wish I didn’t have to do that.i wish i could just be who i am and leave my stuff where it was and she wouldn’t go through it or take anything. but no. i can’t apparently do that anymore. and this is why I don’t like change. things were going fine before this all happened. but now they’re not and this is why.

oh i also took out big pierced hoop earrings, a butterfly pin and a stapler and put them in my laundry.

so. at some point I’m probably going to bring the suitcases to my mom’s. and put them behind a dresser and lock them.and hope for the best. i don’t entirely trust my mom not to go through my stuff either mainly cause she has in the past but.well fuk. like i don’t have another option right now. although...........the one w/ evan’s stuff in it I won’t take to my mom’s. and it’s not incriminating stuff or anything. i just don’t want her knowing I still have his stuff.

so yeah. the above um events are the reasons it was our worst day. she did something i don’t like.then i’m.going to do something she doesn’t like that’s just how it works.