so. oh yeah here's the other thing that happened Mon. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so. oh yeah here’s the other thing that happened Mon.

and stevie. [stevie’s my mom’s dog btw. he’s ok]. and my dad’s a jerk. fairly long entry.

well in the email [that my mom read to me. from Linda] it said I could take out money from my savings acct. yes. i know. but as i’ve explained in this blog I’m saving up for something specific. so it’s not like ‘oh i have this extra money in an account’. no. and when my mom read that part of the email to me she’s like ‘did you know about this?’. yeah. i knew. and whenever it’s said someone can do something like that it implies a choice. like yes I can take money from that account. but i won’t. also the more i take out the less i’ll have er.........no wait that doesn’t work cause more keeps getting put into it.i think.

and so i told my mom I had something in mind I’m saving up for so it’s not like ‘oh i have this extra money’. [although this is why someone should never give me cash as a gift. cause i will spend it. maybe not right away but i will. cause i’ll think oh i have this extra money lying around. well i mean i do. actually]. but my point being it’s so easy for me to spend money when it’s given as a gift. yeah so then my mom’s ‘well what are you saving up for a car?’. sometimes she comes up w/ ridiclous questions like that. and it’s ridiclous cause I don’t drive and don’t ever want to. now for someone else who wants to it wouldn’t be ridiclous. and so i told her no. i didn’t tell her what i’m saving up for cause i’m weird like that. [btw it’s not anything bad. it’s a guitar. which i’ll get when i get my own place].

i won’t get the guitar now [now as in. at this present moment] for a couple reasons. a: i’m weird about people noticing new things I have. like most people are reactive and i don’t like that. if I got a new scarf I want someone to go ‘oh you got new scarf cool. i like it’. a v. nonemotional statement. and. I haven’t yet gone to guitar shops and looked bc........well right around the time I met my first mentor. well i told her about Pat and evan [w/ clint i told him less about evan. but i never referred to evan by name. and w/ valerie. i don’t bring up evan. so anyway]. and so I told my first mentor about all that and about Pat and.going to a guitar shop now would just remind me of that so. er i mean would just remind me of my first mentor who after a yr. and maybe 2 months of us working together decides she’s moving. so that’s the other reason i haven’t gone. i’m not quite ready yet.

i’m just.hoping that no one tells her what I’m saving up for. it’s meant to be between myself and the people I choose to tell. not the people they choose to tell. after all I’m the one saving up for it not them. not anyone else. but if they tell her then..........no point. and then i’ll have to start all over again. er i’m not explaining this v. well. w/ saving. i’ll have to start all over again w/ saving cause they told her. [not that i would’ve told her but i don’t want anyone else to either].

oh so the other thing I told my mom was ‘i’ll get it when i get my own place’ and she’s ‘when are you getting your own place?’ and i’m ‘whenever everyone else thinks i’m ready cause it’s not my decision’. er i mean.it’s not my decision when i’m getting it though it is my decision to get it. cause there are certain things I need to do and i know what they are but i don’t know like. ‘ok if you do everything you’re supposed to for a month’ or 2 months.........or 3..........or 4 and i don’t know i’m just making that up ‘continously and every day then we’ll look’. but no one’s told me that. and i’m still waiting for them to tell me when.cause i’m so used to that. to people being on me about things. I want ya know a deadline. or a time frame rather not neccessarily a deadline.

well for me personally I have one. ok so back when I’d go to karaoke it’d be for 5 hrs. and right now I have 3 hrs. 15 mins. out as I’ve mentioned. so once i have 6 hrs. out then I’ll bring up the idea of looking. cause it’ll take like an hr. to get to the bar by bus.

ok but. I don’t have a key as of yet.i mean to the lady’s house. she’s usually at the house when I get back from being out. but there’ve been a few times er well.that my mom/whoever has had to bring me back earlier then I would’ve liked/wanted so the lady would be at the house. at the next meeting I’ll ask to have a copy of the key.

and the other thing is.when I get back we do bag checks. and the lady goes to bed between 9 and 10 and presumably to sleep. so.........if I were to get back after 10 and let myself in w/ my key that wouldn’t work w/ her schedule. cause she’d have to wake up so we can do bag checks. [i really don’t think it’s neccessary to do them. i mean if i brought back shooters/other incriminating evidence i’m sure as hell not going to hide them in my bags.or my purse. so no point looking there]. the HRA or whoever is going to review the bag checks in Feb. well. at some point i’m going to talk to my psych. about the cutting and that i don’t think it’s neccessary to do bag checks. but. I have to make sure that w/e she tells them doesn’t get passed on to my mom. back when my psych. & I talked about confidentiality she told me there’s not a specific person she has to tell. right. well so long as they don’t tell my mom what she writes down then it’s ok. [my mom’s not exactly the easiest person to talk to]. [this is somewhat related. but i. don’t believe in psych. - patient confidentiality. or mentor - mentee. or attorney - client. to me that doesn’t exist. if i knew they would never break that then.i’d believe in it. but i know they will so].

um how...........oh.right guitars. and my mom. and finances. that’s right. i went off on a tangent there.

oh so my point about the karaoke/time out/bag checks/key thing. right cause i still haven’t explained that. well..........so once I have a key and we stop doing bag checks and i have more time out then.i’ll start going to karaoke. cause i will go back one of these days.

oh so this is the other other thing that happened on Mon. so during the phone call Stevie my mom’s dog was at the back door barking.as he does after they let him out. and my mom was busy being on the phone w/ me and she called to my dad that Stevie was at the door and my dad.wasn’t v. nice about it. [stevie got let in and so we’re ok and he’s ok.well in that regard]. and my dad’s like ‘what is your problem?’ or something and my mom’s ‘well he’s barking that’s my problem’ or w/e. like really do you even have to ask? good god.

and ever since that happened I’ve been thinking about it. if my dad doesn’t want my mom arguing w/ him [and maybe he does i don’t know but i think he presumably doesn’t].then. he needs to do the right thing. and faster. he has power in this too. like my mom was on the damn phone.which meant she was busy.which meant it was my dad’s responsibility to um. let the dog in. when I’m there I let the dog in or one of them does. sure I might have something in my hands like a plate but i’ll get up and put the plate elsewhere and then go to the door and let the dog in. so they can actually see that i’m on my way to getting it done. really it isn’t that hard.

now i’m probably not the best example here cause there was a time when I wasn’t that responsible. and i’m still not i’m just more responsible than I used to be. well usually........at times. but see my dad’s always been like that. always off in his own world instead of doing what he’s asked to do or going ‘ok hold on’ or ‘i’ll just be a minute’. yes i realise my mom’s choosing to argue w/ him. but he’s the one who wouldn’t do it right away! if someone needs a minute that’s fine but let that be known. don’t just.not do it and then have people wonder why the hell it’s not happening. [again i realise i’m probably not the best example. well long as i admit it].

i know i probably should. but i don’t give my dad a free pass. like i’m sorry. sure my friend Mark has asperger’s but i’ll give him a free pass. right cause i don’t know him that well [well i know who he is as a person but like. i don’t know all his little habits and stuff] and since I don’t know him that well I usually don’t get annoyed w/ him. so there usually aren’t problems. and also we’re not living together so. my dad could do better or maybe he really can’t. well i know I can and should do better w/ certain things but i just don’t. like ‘ok well i won’t do it’. or ‘ok well i won’t do that now but at some point later i will’. i’m also not v. forgiving for things like this. and i don’t want to be. i also have high expectations of my dad bc he’s my dad. his brother my uncle i don’t have high expectations of.which is probably good. and also interesting.

to me one of the worst kinds of dads to have is one who isn’t there in that way. he’s not even there fully for my mom and so she has to do all the work. or I do when i’m there. and not that I mind helping out w/ Stevie cause he’s a really sweet dog and he makes it pretty easy. and he usually doesn’t cause too much trouble. but my dad should just. you know do it. sometimes I think I set a better example then he does. [and sometimes i don’t]. i mean yeah i’ll help out. but my mom or I shouldn’t be the only ones helping out is my point. since my dad’s as intelligent as he is then.......he should just...........oh i get it. and this is exactly how people have been w/ me. ‘well we know she’s intelligent so.........it can’t be that’. and this is probably how people still are w/ me at times.
well damnit.

i’m not perfect or anything i mean i make mistakes i screw up. i’m just better than i used to be in some ways at some............times. i’ve matured as evidenced by some of this entry.

yeah peter pan was right.

and once again..........

“all children except one grow up”