Monday Morning in New Diary

I had a bad night with some nightmares. Thank goodness I cannot remember them. I was up and down a lot I was up for good at 4. I have been feeling very listless and doles this morning. I want to get into my book but been having a hard time concentrating. I was at the point this morning where I was thinking what is the point in reading those stupid history books. I can’t remember what I read anyway and they are not helping me deal with my life. I guess I’ve been kind of down a bit and feeling bad.

I do not know what triggered these feelings. I woke up feeling like shit. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I got up and made coffee. After one cup I still feel kind of tired and sluggish. I hate feeling tired and sluggish but I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. Sometimes it takes me almost all day to get moving. I guess it is part of getting old.

I was thinking about the time , and it was not too long ago, when I used to walk. I would walk all over downtown Weirton. I used to go to the MIllsop Community Center. I would work out and swim all morning. Then I would go to the library next door or walk the streets. I lost a lot of weight. I was down to 178 pounds I was not seeing a therapist or on meds. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Now I am old. I gained all my weight back. I can barely walk around my apartment or take out the trash without my hips acting up. I really feel bad about gaining that weight back. Worked very hard to lose the weight but now I gained it all back. I was thinking about it this morning and I felt very depressed.

I don’t do a whole lot during the day. I sit on my butt and read or watch tv. or play computer games. I get so damned tired over doing nothing. Doing nothing all day is not good. Not leaving my apartment is not good. No wonder I get depressed.

I was thinking about my weight this morning. I had a weight problem all my life. I was fat in high school. I would go on diets work out lose a lot of weight only to gain it back and then some. One time back in the 70s I was following the Weight Watchers diet. I was running every day after work and following that diet program. I lost a hundred pounds. After I lost the weight I started eating and it didn’t take me long to gain it all back and then some.

It has been up and down, mostly up, all my life. Sometimes I hate being obese. I do not feel very physically appealing at all. Think about it sometimes and it depresses me

I am happy most of the time. It is when I look at myself and see how fat I am I get depressed. It is also knowing that I can no longer walk good able to work off the the fat that makes me depressed when I think ab out it. This is one of many things I try not to dwell on but I woke up thinking about it this morning and it made me very sad.

Life really is good. It is just that I am old. One day I was feeling fine and then it hit me on my 65th birthday. Well this is it I said to myself. I am old. I can’t do a lot of things I used to take for granted. That sucks. When I turned 65 I went through a phase where I was thinking I was not going to last much longer. I was headed for a nursing home or some kind of assistant living facility. I kept thinking about this and thinking about this. I was scared shitless for a long time. I am not dwelling on this as much but it still bothers me when I start thinking about it.

Oh well life is good. Its just I get these thoughts in my head. Once I get an idea in my head no matter how crazy it is hard to dislodge. I dwell on it and dwell on it. Then I makle myself sick. I lose sight of the fact that life right now has never been better for me. It is pretty damned good.

Remember 1 I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays for the cost of my meds. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I am in good physical health. 6 I have wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip. 6 I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs. 7 I have a worker that comes in and cooks and cleans. 8 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 9 I have plenty of books to read. 10 I am debt free,. 11 I have an SSI and Social Security check. 12 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways.

Life really is good and I am very lucky. There is no reason to get anxious or depressed.

Also I am determined to have a good day todayt.