T. Errible or a sad entry in A New Chapter

It has been quite some time since I have written here.
In fact, it has been a little bit over a year but I am back for the time being.
I guess I have reserved myself from writing here in a long time.
My life hasn’t been everything I thought it would be as a teenager.
In the days of the Open Diary, prior to migrating to this place, I thought I was going to be so awesome and shit..but no, here I am.

I guess since I left college..life has been kind to me, but not in the way I have needed it to.
I hate to sound ungrateful..I have a job that pays me well, I have insurance, a house all for myself, a family that loves me, some friends, and an awesome dog..but I still have issues.

However, everything began to start taking a nasty turn maybe about 1 year and a half ago to 2 years ago.

My health really tanked. I have worked the same job for almost 6 years now and it has not been very kind to my health. I work at nights and at first it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t finish so late in the night and I could still go home and get a decent sleep. However, as time progressed, so did those hours and I started going to bed later and later. My sleep cycle and social interactions obviously suffered.

I began feeling tired all the time..being in a relationship didn’t really help either.
I only got to see my partner three times a week even though we were living together. The days I did have with her, I was usually waking up early so we could get stuff done. It made it hard for my sleep cycle. Eventually, my body never wanted to sleep anymore..I was going to bed at 4-5 but my mind was telling me I needed to be up because I was missing the world in the morning.

With that came fatigue, exhaustion, anger, frustration, depression, and more.

For so long it felt as if all I ever heard as far as advice was “just quit your job! get a new one!” and for a while..I did try. It’s never that easy tho, not specially when you are a homeowner and have bills to cover. Eventually things lightened up at work more, I was able to start working from home and got to work some lighter hours on certain days.

The biggest blow was just my lack of interest for life..but that had been coming for some time.
The academic world had rejected me, I no longer felt special as I had to put down some of my dreams..friends left and with that lack of interest for life..came a lack of desire for the woman I was with.

Its hard to explain..but I did love her then and I still love her now despite all the terrible times we have been through. At some point, its hard to describe, but it felt as if my interest towards intimate contact just vanished. Her obvious( and logical response) was to assume I was having an affair. I never judged her for it but it couldn’t be farther from the truth..I was not interested in any woman..and no I am most def. not gay either.

Eventually the pressure mounted and some fights led to me to start pursuing professional help. It all started taking shape in the narrative we were all thinking I was going to get: my chemicals were all over the place. It has been a long fight but with any type of medication..treatments, things go all over the place. One medicine cancels out a problem but creates a symptom and so forth. Then there is the trial and error and here we are.
I would say I have fixed some of my problems but some still remain.

I have tried hard to find joy in life again and to enjoy the woman next to me.

But its hard to say. Depression turned into anxiety.

Anxiety about life slipping by me, about the end of a chapter in my life, the end of a relationship.

At times I also questioned how much was this my fault and how much was it my partners fault. To this day I still don’t know but its something I have lightly touched with some of my doctors.

We had a pretty big fight today. She told me of all the things I had not been doing and how I had been neglecting her. In the past few weeks we had been doing better which came as a surprise…but that might be just part of the problem, that I don’t catch on to stuff quick enough.

Who knows..this might very well be the swan song to the relationship..maybe its meant to be, maybe it isn’t we will see.

I guess I am just sitting here alone now, typing to an old friend, my diary..wondering where life might take me next. I have long pondered selling my house, which has gone up significantly in value, and going elsewhere..where? I don’t know but start somewhere fresh where my money could go a longer way.

That would take time but something to ponder.

I guess here is the ironic part..with all coming to an end..my job might finally be switching me to day time. They have decided that they no longer need a staff at night and it might make much more commercial sense to do it at day time. Isn’t that the joke?

I don’t know how to feel right now. Some of the blunt end of the fight has passed by but I am sure it will surface later again. Maybe its the excitement at the potential of a new life. I am sure I still have a lot of heartache ahead of me..a lot.

We will see.

I missed you by the way.