Saturday Morning in New Diary

Yesterday was a good day. My worker came and she fixed a good breakfast of pancakes She did a good job in cleaning my apartment. Last week I phoned the agency and asked for a new worker. After yesterday I decided to stick with the present one. I don’t mind that she watches tv in between jobs. I like to read in the morning and I get my reading done while she works. The more I thought about it the more I like the present worker. I think I am going to stick with this one.

I haven’t been feeling like reading the last few days. Anxiety has been high and I had a difficult time concentrating. I started reading a new book yesterday The Radicalism of the American Revolution by Gordon S Wood. I remembker reading this one a long time ago. It is still and interesting read.

I read most of the morning. At one my case manager from Healthways came for a home visit. I was a bit anxious about this. We had an interesting conversation. I told her anxiety has been high for the past few days. She asked me what kind of coping skills I used to deal with it. I told her I listened to music. She asked if I had been outside and I said no I’ve been staying in my apartment.

This is becoming real issue. She went on about me staying in my apartment. She asked me why I don’t like to go out I did not tell her why. I did not tell her why I don’t like to associate with most people in the building. I did not want to tell her about ho;w I think most people hate me and don’t want to talk to me anyways. She went on about the serious consequences of isolating myself. This does not help with the anxiety and I got develop agoraphobia. We talked about different triggering mechanisms that develop when I o go out.

I said I have a hard time at Wal Mart. I said I liker shopping there but for some reason I really get anxious It is really bad when I have to use the social service van on the first. I have a very sordid past with the van driver and I always imagine that she will yell at me for some stupid reason. Then I get anxious about having a to wait for a ride home. This part is irrational and I think I am getting better in dealing with it.

But I did not want to tell my case manager about my problems with the van driver. It is better on the 3rd. Case manager takes me shopping. She goes with me at Wal Mart. I just do my business pay for my groceries and she takes me home. We actually have a pleasant conversation or two. That makes all the difference.

Then we talked about finances. I got kind of defensive about this. She asked me if I was still saving money for an etye exam next year. I said I spent the $2o I set aside for that. She asked me if she could go over a budget with me for next month. I think I do a good job in handline my money. So what if I have cable and Internet. So what if I ordered from Foxes three times this month. I always have money for meds, cleaning supplies, renb and Comcast. I always have food to eat I think I do a good job in handling my money.

I himed hawed around about the budget thing Then we talked about upcoming appointments. Got two doctors appointment on the 18th. I see Dr Isla on the 24th This is for the hearing problem. She said it might be a good idea to bring in my hearing aid and tell him it does not work. I said I will

That was about it for my case manager. Called Chocolatechip and she came up. She said I l/ooked kind of frazzled. I said I was worried about my home visit. I told her about how she wants to g o over a budget with me. She said I do a good job with handling my money. Said I got a little flustred over that suggestion but other than that I thought I had a good visit.

I was talking to Chocolatechip about staying in my apartment They are really getting on me about that. I said other people in here don’t leave their apartment. She said did you tell her that. I said no. I said cased manager asked me if I co8uld sit outside Saturday for at least ten minutes. I said no. Told Chocolatechip I could get into some serious problems by isolating myself.

Chocolatechip said we could go out next month. She might have enough money left over to take us out to our favorite Chinese place. I said that would ber nice. It has been awhile since. we went out together . We talked about a good day to go and I think we agreed on some time aroun d the first of next week. I said that would be great . We both need to get out of here for a while.

We did our usual routine. She cooked supper and I cleaned up the kitchen. We watched the local new. I was listening to CNN. They were talking about two more women were coming forward about Trump’s sexual misconducts Finally turned off CNN around noon and we watched the local news.

Other than my case manager’ visit I had a good day . I was not depressed or too anxious. Life is good

Now it is time for the positives. ! I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of my meds. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I have a wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip. 6 I am not hooked on alcohol or drugs. 7 I am in fairly good physical health. 8 I have a worker that comes in and cooks and cleans. 9 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 10 I have plenty of books to read. 11 I am debt free. 12 I have an SSI and Social Security check. 13 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways.

Life Is pretty good. There is no reason to get anxious or depressed