maybe it's just me then/well if i fall then. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so bare in mind i’m on my period which is probably factoring here. i won’t detail.

So yesterday was the big meeting. it was ok. it was hard. oh so my hair was brought up in regards to hygiene. I said something about the lady’s husband being sensitive to noise which is the reason i don’t like shower.er at night i mean. [oh their room is right next to the bathroom]. although that’s not the real reason. The real reason is it’s fukin cold in there sans cold er clothes i mean and i’m sorry but i’m not risking hypothermia.i’m just not. and she kept asking mee questions trying to figure things out. don’t try to figure me out i don’t want that. she’s like ‘do you need another rug do you need a heater?’ and i’m ‘no no’. i was actually going to wait untill when winter came and the heat was on in all the house before i started showering at night. well this way if she’d turned the heat on just for me i’d feel singled out and i don’t like that. and also. i don’t like change and i don’t like having discussions about change. The reason I was fine w/ how things were was bc nothing had changed. that’s what i liked about it. that’s the same thing i liked about volunteering at the senior citizens’ residence when i was 17.is nothing changed. well also i don’t have enough bottles of body wash.right which i was going to get but i don’t have that much money and what i do have i don’t want to spend it all on 1 thing. also i stockpile things.so having just 2 bottles won’t be enough for me. [and no i’m not going to ask her to get me some].

and the only well there are a couple.reasons i agreed to everything in the meeting. 1: the change thing b: i don’t like confrontation 3: i don’t want help. and i have to be nice as i’ve gone over before. cause again this is as good as it’s gonna get. and the only way to go is down. [well or stay where people are w/.things].

ok so last night when she comes into my room to put a new bulb in my fan. [well i was in the room at the time]. she asks when i’m going to shower. um at the meeting I remember us talking about that in 2 wks. I’d get back to her on that. er i mean that I’d get back to her on changing that schedule. not the same day. and where was i when that decision was made? right i wasn’t. yes she’s the one who asked me about it but since it involves me it should.you know.involve me once again. prior to that she said we’d talk about it later but to me that’s like soeone saying ‘eventually’.or ‘some day’. or ‘at some point’. it’s this vagye sense of some time in the future. I don’t recall her ever saying ‘hey so when you get back we’re going to talk about this’. no cause she didn’t. sorry to be that person but yes sometimes I do need things spelled out for me.yes i do need more clarification than most in this area.

ok so i think they’re somewhat ok w/ the fact that i’m a private person.in that. so regarding hygiene [ant not that i should be putting this in here specifically but it has to go somewhere and also i’m not detailing anything so] it’s more than just the physical stuff.it’s also psychological. and i told them that.and that it’s something I’ve talked about w/ my psychologist.which i mean it is.just not recently.and also this is my way of telling them to back off w/o actually.telling them that. and they’re like ‘ok. so it’s deeper than just the physical stuff.ok’.

[ok so if i don’t want their help then how come i’m in services. well so i won’t have to live at my mom’s. and for the benefits. and in some ways it’s a helluva lot better than the alternative].

So. eventully i’d have like 24 hrs. - a wk. by myself at the house.right now i have 5. by the time that happens i do have 24 hrs. - a wk. i might have my own place so that’s.that doesn’t really apply. well Laura [from the company that susie worked for. not laura the attorney. yeah i don’t like laura the attorney.um anyway] was asking like.if i was at the house by myself for that amount of time and i fell what would I do.and i took that to mean what would I personally do.not what should be done. those are 2 different things. and i said something like well i’d see that i was fine and something about calling a friend. well the thing is.if i was here by myself and i fell i wouldn’t tell anyone. like sure i’d see that I was ok but that would be it. that’s honestly a reason I like it when i’m at the house by myself.so that i can fall. er not that i’m a clumsy person and i don’t make a habit of falling. and i don’t fall in front of people i know. ad no one knows. btw i have never fallen down the stairs. [no that happened at my place once and now bc of that i’m afraid of stairs. yeah nothing teaches you to be wary of stairs like........like falling down them]. I just tell them what they want to hear. now if something really awful happened to me...........like a sexual.........thing then yeah i’d tell a friend i trusted. [cause if i don’t trust someone not to tell other people.no matter who it is i won’t tell them]. like i’d tell lane or mark or evan. cause i know they wouldn’t tell. and so i think.bc i told Laura what i told her. about what i’d personally do.i think in that way they’re not ok w/ me being a private person. [i didn’t tell her the thing about er.the example about something really awful happening. i don’t talk about that]. but ya know. the only reason i’m not ok w/.well i’m not ok w/ them not being entirely ok w/. the fact that i’m a private person.

uh ok. so yeah.