Friday Morning in New Diary

I got up at the ungodly hour of 2am today. I tried but for the life of me could not get back to sleep. I played computer games for a while. A while back I downloaded this chess game from Microsoft. It has different levels of skill. I am on a very low level I think 7. I win most of the time But today I lost three in a row. Must have been too sleepy to concentrate. But I played chess for about an hour winning most of the time.,

I did not want to waste time playing computer games all morning. I gave it up around 3. I turned on the coffee pot and got out my book. I sat at the kitchen table and read Creation of the American Republic 1776-1787 by Gordon S Wood. I got about a hundred more pages to go with this thing and I will be finally finished with it.

I try very hard to concentrate on my book. But my mind wanders a lot of times. I start thinking about other things. Today I was thinking about a conversation with my case manager I had yesterday. We were talking about the fact that I don’t like to leave my apartment. She asked if anything ever happened that makes me want to stay in. Well yes a lot of things have happened but I didn’t want to go into it with her. I just said no. She was telling me that I could end up getting agoraphobia which is something I do not want to get. She asked if I could sit outside I said no I just like to stay in my apartment.

Anyways I was thinking about this conversation. I think it is becoming an issue with them. I remember the last time I talked with my therapist he went on and on about all the bad things that could happen . He encouraged me to get out and get some sun. He could not stop harping on how important it is to get out of my apartment. Now my case manger is on the same theme.

I do not see what the big deal is. There are plenty of people in this building that never leave their apartments. It isn’t like I am not taking care of myself. I am not lying on my couch all day doing nothing. I take care of myself make sure I take my meds. I take turns cooking and clean up the kitchen. I think I spend my time in a constructive manner by reading. I don’t see a problem.

I was thinking about this while trying to read. . I started thinking what if they decide to put me away or somethin g like that? I don’t think they can. I am not harming myself. I am not a threat to others. I just do not like to leave my apartment. Is that a crime? Anyways I thought like this then realized this is crazy self talk. I went back to my book.

Other than that I had a good time with my book this morning.

Now it iddd time for the positives. 1 I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of my meads. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear 5 I have a wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip.6 I am in fairly good physical health. 7 I have a worker that comes in and cooks and cleans. 8 I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs. 9 I have an SSI and Social Security check 10 I am debt free. 11 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 12 I have plenty of books to read 13 I have a wonderful support system, in Healthways.

Life is good