private people and idinno anxiety. and stuffs. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

ok so some of this is repetitive. and it circle talks. although there is something new it does go a bit into what happened the last night i was at stephanie’s.for those wondering. this is fairly long so.

so to clarify. when i say you i don’t mean you personall. i don’t mean the person reading this. i mean..........er ok. it’s like she [my psych.] doesn’t fully get it. and no she doesn’t bc I haven’t told her. and i can’t otherwise they’ll put me away. and i cannot be in a 72 hr. hold. i just can’t. it would interrupt my schedule and then i’d be a public person. and maybe i shouldn’t’ve put that here but it has to go somewhere.and this is it. and i don’t want her in particular to get it. i just someone to go ‘wow sounds like your depressin’s gotten really bad’. and yeah it has.
i’m talking about the teeth thing. unles s I’m going out or on a date or meeting someone for the first time I’m not going to do much to fix myself up. this isn’t the 19th century and i’m not going to act like it is. when ladies dressed up just to have breakfast. cause really. I don’t want people to be around me. see my whole thing is about keeping people at a distance. so that I don’t have to get close so that i can remain private. i guess........what it all comes down to is. i don’t entirely trust the world to let me remain as private as i am. right bc it hasn’t so.
The only reason I open up now and i’m nice at the meetings now.is bc i’m still afraid of what’ll happen if I’m not. I have this big meeting coming up on Mon. and I’ve typed things up for it as i do. but of course i haven’t typed up the things that haven’t gone well. bc my mom will be there. and she’s a little too honest and i don’t trust her not to um interfere. so really it’s about trust or lack thereof. also i’m not that comfortable around most people to be that honest. to state when things aren’t going well.
I’m nice which is what people like about me but i’m not entirely real. I’m real w/ my friends. in fact via fb aj once told me ‘i know you’re real enough to say anything so’. yeah and he’s not the 1st person to tell me something like this. even my being real isn’t genuine. My being real is so I can be the kindof person I relate to.and that others relate to. and hopefully others will be that way. [ok so i mean valerie]. They say be the change.well i have but the change isn’t happening and i don’t do conversations.
I often forget.that people and as bad as this might sound aren’t objects.and that we have to be careful w/ people. i mean i’m not like a bitch to most people. No I’m nice. except to the kiosk people who talk to you or the greeters and then i just ignore them. no but see.this is what i’m talking about. I’m actually not that nice a person. like I’m sweet and apparently thoughtful depending on who you are. but i’m not that respectful and i’m kindof impolite at times. yes bc i don’t want people talking to me.like the greeter types.or the kiosk people. I was like this before i knew valerie but now.it’s popping back up again. ya know greeters ask how i am and i either think ‘fukoff’ or ‘not that you care........’. but i’m hoping valerie will want to be like me and will change being too nice. yes but maybe she doesn’t bc.i’m not polite to the greeter types kiosk people and i just ignore them. but i don’t want to be the way she is either. if i were like that that would drive me absolutely insane. i don’t know that she doesn’t want to be like that but it seems that way. since she’s nice to them. yeah the other day one of the greeter people was all ‘have a good day’ and i’m thinking ‘you know they don’t care right?’. and i wanted to say that to her too.so i would get a reaction. so she’d stop doing that. yeah the other day we were at jimmy john’s and a bit of my sandwich had landed on the table and she was helping me clean up and I’m ‘um i’ve got it’. and i didn’t thank her cause i didn’t appreciate it. and she seemed bothered by that. ok I got an actual human reaction out of her. good. now I’m satisified. I had this same proble w/ evan. er not in that he was too nice [and thank god. and no actually he was a jerk people didn’t like him and i got that] but that I kept waiting for him to change and he didn’t and it became infuriating as all hell. and I spent so much time waiting. and so finally I was like this isn’t doing anything for me so we’re done.for awhile. yes and now i’m so much better bc of it. and I wish I could do the same thing w/ valerie. cause a lot of the time it’s not doing anything for me. but that decision were i to make it doesn’t just involve me. not everyone appreciates people who are that nice. i don’t. but maybe that’s not an issue for her. but good god. please just fukin stop. and change. t

This is the same problem i had w/ stephanie. and i think that’s another reason it didn’t work. and so finally she threatened me. i’m a little more ok talking about this. yeah on my last night there i told her screw you and I don’t even feel bad about it. cause it just kept building and building and finally it.exploded. and also honestly.it felt damn good. and i got a reaction. and that was what i wanted i just didn’t think she’d threaten me. if she had been a normal person. i wouldn’t have done that. and i’m the one who crossed a line? i don’t even know if she got fired or not but in my opinion she should be. cause she threatened me. I never threatened her. I don’t trust her and i don’t want anyone else to either. I don’t want someone to give her another chance cause i haven’t. it’s not in my control though. A part of me still wishes I’d stayed. and been worse to her. and even then she was still nice about it. yeah on the phone she said something about my stupid safety. that night. omygod just tell me i’m going to my mom’s call them tell them that and be done w/ it.that’s all that needs to be said. no reason to bring in the emotions. if she had been fired.then i’d have more stacks against her. which is what i want. cause i’m still angry w/ her.

She shouldn’t’ve threatened me that night or any other night i don’t care. no one should ever threaten someone i don’t fukin care. i don’t care about what i said. thing is.she made the choice to do that. so she damn well knew what she was doing. [right as did i]. if i’d stayed. I wouldn’t’ve gotten anywhere but at least w/ me having gotten worse would’ve gotten more reactions out of her. and then i would’ve changed her. and then i would’ve been satisfied. but no. I wanted her to change for good. no but see this.this is going back to my point. is people aren’t objects. or cake.

Ya know it’s not like you get the ingredients for cake and you well bake it of course and it always comes out a cake. [well.if you’re good enough at baking it will]. and it will always be a cake. it’s not like you bake a cake but somehow it turns into fruit. no I wanted that kindof permanence from her. I wanted to be in charge of her. [yes but people who are in charge if they’re good at it it also means they usually treat people right. so it’s probably good i didn’t stay.as much as i still want to]. trust me. moving forward isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. or hell even if you get a cake from the store. it will always be a cake. it’s not like it suddenly turned into fruit when you were walking back and then stayed fruit.
and well.in a way i was stephanie’s boss bc she got paid to have me live w/ her.not the other way around. i just wanted her to go the fuk away. and now she has. [right so then what’s the problem? well the problem is i’m still angry and this whole thing w/ valerie is reminding me of stephanie].

or w/ my dr.’s appt. yes i should’ve been better about that. but since my insurance covers it. it doesn’t have that much of an impact on me. or since i wasn’t verbally told about it. again not much of an impact. also I don’t respond to the note thing.as we know. and the reson I don’t respond to the note thing is cause of my anxiety. and cause I don’t think in her notes she’ll stick to just mentioning an appt. i have. ad it’s not even that something bad will come up. no it’s that something else will come up. ‘bad’ is only part of it. frankly it would be better if she slipped an appt. card under the door.face up. [oh there’s an idea..........if megan has those.that i won’t do].

and yeah maybe the anxiety is a valid excuse. i mean anxiety is an actual thing and i do have it. and a lot of people do. so i’m not discrediting that. no i’m jus saying. maybe. i just don’t want to read the notes. [ok so yeah i probably don’t. since i keep going about how well if it’s that damn important..........] or yeah maybe it’s both. i don’t want to read the notes and it’s my anxiety.

or sometimes I’ll eat their food cause godamn if you’re that hungry then fukin eat.which she doesn’t have a problem w/ she just wants me to ask. well i don’t always plan and also. that’s not a world i’m from and i’m not going to be a part of that world for long. like if they really don’t want me eating their food.then they either need to label it or put it somewhere i never go.like i’ve never gone into the basement by myself and i’ve never gone into their room. yes but see than that’s not me doing better. that’s in a sense telling them what to do even though.it’s their food. well i’m sorry but i’m not gonna not eat not if i can help it.i’m just not.and that’s not even what they’re saying so that doesn’t even make any sense. but i have a fukin eating disorder. and even if I didn’t food is a basic human need. sorry not sorry that i didn’t ask but ya know. if i’m hungry.i’m not gonna think about asking. no i’m gonna think that i’m hungry. But see this is what i’m talking about. is the fact that i’m not that respectful. other than like i’m quiet. and that i either tell them or leave a note before i go out.

or like the job thing. I don’t have job and I don’t want a job and the last time susie asked i was actually er ‘brave’ enough if you will to tell her no. and that was that. and even though no one’s pushing me to get one [cause evidently that was a mistake when i came back from fl. no i think it probably was] for some reason I’ve re-visited this a few times.like in my head. and if i thought.no i know why now i just don’t want to analyse it. anyway my point being. [cause god i can take a long time to get to a point] that.a reason I don’t want a job is cause then i’m er appointed to meet people. so. the people who work at like bn chose [well maybe not all of them] to go for an interview there.and then their bosses either chose or didn’t for them to work there. no but i didn’t. see back when i was going to the bar. Sure there were people there but i chose who i talked to. ya know it’s not like at work where people er ‘have’ to talk to each other.
but no. i think [and damnit] that i’m using that as an excuse. like ‘oh the people i work w/ weren’t chosen for me so i just won’t do it’. also i don’t actually need a job so.

um. wow.