A Little History of Me in Ultimate Randomness

I was talking to a coworker earlier tonight, not exactly telling him everything that has been going on but at least explaining how my marriage is practically over and how, if I seem in a morose mood, that is probably the reason. What I started in on next, though, I didn't expect to talk about. One of my other coworkers, when I was explaining how I messed up the greatest love of my life, said that I would find someone else. And I don't particularly think he is wrong. I do have alot of good traits. I am smart, I can be funny, loving, loyal to a fault. I am trying to become a teacher because I care not only about my students learning but about helping them believe in themselves in a way I never could. I am not bad looking. I'm not a stud or anything, but I am a decent looking guy, maybe a little overweight, but not so that it is a huge problem. Sexually, I am a giving person. I am less interested in my own climax as I am in giving one or two first. I am probably a little less than average size, but I am not vain enough to measure because I just don't care that much. If it is a problem, than the person I am with is not the person for me. Listening to all this, you might think that I am confident in myself, but this couldn't be farther from the truth. I have never had much self-confidence and I swear it gets to be less and less as I get older. The positives about me that people see I just view as being facts, not as anything to be confident about. After all, there isn't really anything that sets me apart from any other guy. And it is my experience that even the girls who say they want a good guy still pursue the assholes. That confidence thing. Do I think I could find someone else to love again one day? Sure, I think it is possible, but after years of rejection, then finally having a few relationships only to be ultimately rejected again, I don't know that it is even worth putting myself out there anymore. As I told my coworker, I believe it is possible, but by the time it happens, I could be so bitter and angry at women in general that I would never attempt a relationship, or even sex, again. So where does all this anger come from? Honestly, its probably mostly my own fault. See, I have always loved women. I have had crushes on girls since I was in first grade. The first girls' names were Schailee and Jennifer. Then there was Nicole. And Beth. And Kaitlyn. There are probably even some I don't remember off the top of my head. But then 8th grade came around. Somehow, I became one of the popular kids. Everyone in my grade knew me and thought I was pretty funny. It was the height of my popularity. There was a girl who sat next to me in English class named Lynne. We talked quite a bit it seemed like to me and we got along really well. I developed a crush on her and by January, I had worked up the courage to ask her out. Turns out she had a crush on the guy who sat three desks in front of me. That hurt, but I got over it and moved on. I developed a crush on another girl named Bridget after a Valentine's Day card. I took it a little too seriously. It's a bad habit of mine. Well, a couple of months went by and I asked Bridget out. She said maybe. She said she was busy that weekend, but gave me her number. So I tried again the next week. Maybe she said. It occurred to me that sometimes, especially with women, maybe means no. After the third maybe, I was positive. So I gave up on it and moved on. Things stayed stagnant for a few months until high school started. Then I had a crush on Megan, a girl I had known since elementary school. She had these amazing freckles. I think I've mentioned I have a thing for freckles. Anyway, a couple of months into the school year, I asked her out. She said maybe. Between that and a rumor I'd heard that she was already dating someone else, I didn't bother to ask again. So I moved on to Janna. I let that go on for awhile until I asked her out right before winter break from school. Again, a maybe. I remember walking away and hearing her say to her friend, "Doesn't he know?" Hell, to this day, I still don't know. Anyway, I was always a positive person and I always had a smile on my face. Hell, someone asked me one time why I always had a smile on my face, and I told them "No reason." I miss being that guy. Anyway, then the big one happened. Jamie, a girl I had had a little bit of a crush on since the previous year when she tried to make me dance at one of the school dances, was in my science class. I guess you could say I fell hard. She was nice to me and, even then, I realized I wasn't working with much when it came to women. At the end of March, I finally asked her out, and she said yes. I was so excited. But...a few days later, I was on a trip to New York with my French class and was told that she decided not to go out with me and that she had only said yes because she felt bad for me. Yeah, that one hurt. After that, I did not ask another girl out for a long time. I kept up my crush on Jamie for pretty much the entirety of high school. In the end, I pulled a page out of the "Can't Hardly Wait" playbook and wrote her a letter telling her everything I felt about her. It was a collection of four years of teen angst and unrequited feelings all poured out on paper. From accounts, she was horrified and embarrassed when she found and read it. It was after that point I changed. A little bit of my belief that things could work out the way I wanted died. A little less innocent. A little smaller smile. However, by that point, prom was coming up and, despite myself, I wanted to go. So I asked Meredith, who was in the band with me, just as a friend. This isn't American Pie though. No losing my virginity at prom. In fact, we went to prom and on a couple of dates, but we were always just friends. She realized that before I did, but I could admit it. It wasn't long after high school that the impossible happened though. I got asked out on a date. Her name was Kaitlyn, different from the aforementioned crush above. She asked me out and we had a fun couple of months. It was my first experience with kissing, making out in a car, even got to second base once. But I took things more seriously than they were. If I hadn't, who knows? I may have had a little more experience since that is what it seems she was interested in herself, but I took it too seriously and, when she made it clear we would not date once I went off to college, I got moody and she broke up with me. Then my string of online relationships started. The first was with Amy. We talked online and on the phone almost every night. Some romantic, some friendly, some just plain dirty. I even bought a plane ticket to go see her in North Carolina, but before the trip, she cheated on me with the next door neighbor. So I moped some more until I met Melody online. Rinse and repeat. The difference being that I did fly to see her, ironically also in North Carolina. I learned more from her. How much I enjoyed girls with big boobs and playing with them. That I enjoyed going down on a girl and that I enjoyed when she went down on me. We played at sex, but it never really happened. And then she went off to college and that was then end of that. I found solace in my online friend that I had talked to since high school, the girl who eventually became my wife. If you have been following, you know where that stands now. So that is that story. Hopefully, it explains alot about me and why I seem so hopeless. I get that rejection and break-ups are a part of life, but it is all I know. It is very hard for me to believe that any woman would want me when none have for very long. And that is why each day, I get a little more bitter and have a harder time trusting women. And you can tell me to just get over it. Lord knows I agree with you, I should. But knowing something and doing it are two different things, and when experience tells you that no matter what you do, you are bound to be rejected, it is hard to see the point, no matter how much you want to love someone with everything you have and be loved in return.