I'm okay. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s taken me awhile but I have realized that I’m fine. Life is definitely not easy but I remain grateful for what I have. I’m happy to be where I’m at with my job, progress with my weight, and having a few people on this planet that care about me. I won’t let anything stop me.

My friend that got fired from stealing got a hold of me earlier to ask if she could barrow a car because hers is breaking down and she would need a car for a couple of months. I let her know that mine are needing to go to the shop and I don’t have the money right now. I wanted to come right out and be a complete stage 5 crazy bitch because she knows what I went through with my roommate and blah blah blah and yet STILL have the fucking nerve to ask to barrow a fucking car?!?!?

Mind you, this girl has made little to no effort to stay in touch with me since she was fired 3 months ago and for the most part, I’ve forgotten about her. A while back she asked if I would put her on my car insurance, knowing that I had gotten burned by the last person I put on there and yet, had the balls to ask anyway. I would love to know why people feel comfortable enough to ask me shit like this.

It’s just all the more reason for me to consider moving out of this miserable fucking town. I don’t have any real friends here and I never have. I just want to get the fuck away from this place and all this shit heads that are just around to use and abuse. I’ve never done anything for this girl other than help her move a fucking mattress and hung out with her outside of work maybe a handful of times. She treated me like shit when we worked together and stole from our boss. Stole a lot more money than she’ll ever admit to and I just don’t see any reason at all to help her.

I am seriously burnt out on this town and everyone in it. It’s so much cheaper and less stress to stick to myself because whenever I have ‘friends’ I just get used and fucked over. I’m tired of being the one to stick my neck out for people because at the end of the day, I’m just another person that was stupid enough to help them. I know that it’s hard to find genuine people and that’s why I’ve stopped trying. I’m sick of being by myself but whenever I’m around other people, I’m quickly reminded why I’ve stuck to myself for so fucking long.

The old roommate is still something I think about quite often but I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to not only let him live his life, but I need to allow myself to live mine. I’ve spent enough time dwelling on this and making myself miserable that it’s time to let it go and remember that no matter how this ended, it would have had the same outcome. He doesn’t stay in touch because he doesn’t want to stay in touch. I know that it’s better for me because every time I hear from him, it’s just because he wants help with his bills. Well, ain’t NOBODY out here paying my fucking bills!!!

Honestly, I am completely okay with being by myself but in those rare moments I have free time and would like to do something with someone, either there’s no one available or it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg. I may go to my parents on Sunday just to get out of the house. I don’t want my job to be my whole life but it’s the only thing I’ve had for the past 3 years that’s been consistent. It doesn’t let me down and it’s always there.

On a better note, I don’t think our mutual friends will be coming back. I’m friends with the girl on Facebook and they aren’t happy where they are now but might be moving to a different state where they have family. I’m super happy to hear this for multiple reasons. It’s not that I don’t like them but I just feel like them coming back would be counterproductive to my healing process. That girl that I work with that doesn’t do anything might be losing her job but probably won’t know til Friday or later. We already have her replacement ready to take her spot so I’m hoping we’ll be getting rid of her. It sounds pretty promising judging from the text my co-worker received from our boss. It’s not that I don’t like this girl and it’s nothing personal but her work ethic is a fucking joke and if they don’t get rid of her, I’m going to blow the fuck up.

Anyways, I’m about ready for my day. I showered and have makeup on so all I have to do is get dressed. For some ungodly reason, I was up at 5 this morning for awhile and went back to sleep until about 10. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’ve also been toying with the idea of getting a gym membership but I’m just afraid that it’ll be like before where I pay for it every month but never use it because I’m too busy or whatever. My arm is a lot better too so I want to start trying harder to exercise and lost weight. I’m up 6 pounds from the weekend because I ate junk but I’ve ate pretty light so far this week.

I just need to start having things going on outside of work because I feel like I have too much free time and I think way too much. I wish I could work all the time so I didn’t have to think about my problems but all I can do is just try and keep myself busy, even when I’m not working.