more on mon. scheduling. in yes i'm aware it's 2016.

so also. on mon. my mom asked if i’d told valerie about sun. valerie i’ve been getting together sun. but on an upcoming sun. my mom i are going to see a show which means valerie i won’t be able to get together. i said i hadn’t but i would.which.is true.

ok so later that day. i typed up a thing for my psych. about the whole situation. so here it is:

‘And my mom and valerie eluded to the fact that I should think about the fact that other people are busier than me. Well I know they are but I don’t think about that because I don’t fully relate to that. And if I ever decided to have a family of my own then I would but until that time comes........i won’t fully relate to it. and valerie was saying something about being courteous and although I didn’t say this I was thinking ‘oh, you mean the way you are?’.

Which brings me to my next point. My biggest problem w/ her is she’s too nice. And she doesn’t seem real. I think this might be how she actually is but I only know her as my mentor. And sometimes honestly I do things to annoy her so she will seem more real. I’m nice but i’m not that nice.yes and that’s why. cause I don’t like supernice people. The greeter types. Or the kind who tell everyone they see to have a good day. It’s ok we don’t need to talk.to everyone. [I don’t mean you & I ‘we’ I mean people in general]. I don’t feel the need to interact w/ everyone I see. In fact I don’t feel the need to interact w/ a lot of people. I know that doing things to annoy her will come back on me. [well also it’ll cause problems for my mom as well which.would also cause problems for me]. Well if she wasn’t that nice [again, valerie] I might not do those things. [however if she was like er ‘normal’ person nice i’d still be the way I am.so it wouldn’t really change how I am]. And I get annoyed by the.........um prospect of getting together w/ her. I mean I like it cause I get to eat and I get to go out but I can do that when I go to the store or the Home Depot area so. That doesn’t really change that part. I don’t think it’s good or helpful when someone isn’t looking forward to seeing their mentor. [of course people can only help me as much as I let them which, isn’t very much or at all really. So even if I had a new mentor that wouldn’t change]. There are times when we’ve been at the store but not in the same aisle. Or when we’re at the food court at a mall and i’ve already gotten my stuff and started eating and i’m alone [well.not literally] waiting for her. And during those times i’m relieved. I’m also relieved i’m not living w/ her. I say I want people to be who they are around me but maybe that’s not true. If it’s someone like valerie then I don’t want her to be who she is. [I don’t want her to be mean exactly I just want her to be nice in the way I am].

Honestly I like that i’m imperfect. I like that I screw up. [although when I do I don’t always like that er the details of it. just the idea of it]. cause it makes me real. And relate-able. And like idinno an everyday person.

The other reason I don’t do as well as I should is cause I got tired of it. I get tired of doing the right thing. All the time. Everything i’m supposed to do every day........and every week. And well you get it. That to me is being perfect. And that’s not something I want to be. It’s something I should be. But I don’t really.want, to be.

I’m in services. So that I can get to a point where i’m er ‘perfect enough’ to get my own place. [maybe ‘perfect enough’ isn’t quite what I mean.......] Everyone thinks things are going well. Well in terms of household stuff yeah they are.for the most part. [right so then what’s the problem? I don’t.......know]. In terms of relationships things are ok. As i’ve detailed above. But maybe. That has nothing to do w/ services. Maybe getting my own place only relates to household stuff. By which I mean hygiene, taking my trash downstairs and vacuuming. But those 2 go together. Like although um Anita doesn’t say anything about it when I don’t take my trash downstairs that impacts people.and relationships.

Oh so. We [my mom, valerie & i] were talking about my schedule regarding getting the internet stick thing. And they said something about when am I going to tell Anita. And I said when I have something to tell someone I don’t verbalise it i’ll note them or text them. and they were saying the times I could. Well again I already know when to do that. [going back to the whole people insulting my intelligence thing]. And they were saying that Anita might have something to do tom. Well I said she’s left me notes under my door and i’ve seen them and i’ve read them and I know when she’s available. I don’t know that she might not be available on the days I want to do something I just don’t think about the fact that she might not be. again I have this figured out. Just because it’s not their way of doing something doesn’t mean it’s wrong. As we’ve talked about 2 + 7 is 9 but so is 5 + 4. and I was going to say that too except that both my uncle & my dad were there [well my dad was in the kitchen w/ us my uncle was in the living room] so.

The reason I give people notice the day of or the day before is so that they won’t be able to rearrange their schedule. Which isn’t fair to them but ya know. That’s really not my issue. It’s like.........it’s kindof like racial profiling. Sure maybe it’s not fair to someone who’s hispanic to be profiled based on their race but a lot of well white people aren’t profiled based on their race so. Not my issue. Again. I’m not living my life to please other people. [well at times i’m not. It depends]. They like me fine they don’t that’s ok too.

Valerie was saying that my leaving Anita notes was at my convention. Well yeah I mean that’s..........that’s the whole point. And if Anita has an issue w/ it then she can tell me. I mean since i’m not living w/ valerie then she won’t be the one to tell me. [and yeah this is my way of pushing her away. I also feel like by valerie er speaking for Anita on this matter.well Anita doesn’t need anyone to do that for her. which is funny cause here I am doing just that. I don’t know if it bothers her or not but it sure bothers me. This might be confusing. anyway] I don’t know that she [being Anita] has a problem w/ the noting thing since she’s never said anything about it. But i’m probably better off not knowing.

So my mom was saying one thing Anita’s working on w/ me is as they call it forecasting. Like the schedule ahead of time. Well ok. But Anita should be the one to tell me that since she’s the one working on it w/ me. Not my mom. Again if it’s about me then it should be.well about me. [and if I want it to be about me then i’m the one who should say something about it. to them I mean].

So when we were at my mom’s it was an emotional time for me because.i was put out and just.um emotional. Near the end I went into my room for a minute the bathroom then pet Stevie [my mom’s dog] and then I was better. So I was ok talking. So on the ride back to my house I started to talk about the internet stick placement thing to tell valerie my ideas [I realise I still haven’t um talked about the internet stick thing situation] and she was just like ‘well you’re an adult you figure it out’. Oh now that I actually want to talk about this that’s when she won’t tell me her opinion? Oh I see how it is. ok. And I was thinking ‘well if that’s the way you’re gonna be about it then.......’. Ok we won’t talk that’s fine. [again I mean her & I we. But since I was still a bit emotional it’s probably better that we didn’t]. But when I don’t want help that’s when everyone wants to help. Which is most of the time actually. Which may just be her point. They were giving me ideas on how to handle things and I was like ‘yeah.......’ as in ‘yeah but I probably won’t do it so’. Well if they didn’t give me ideas I wouldn’t do that! Probably. [or I might be just saying that]. Of course knowing me if valerie and I had had a discussion and I had told her my ideas I probably wouldn’t’ve done any of them anyway so. Which again might’ve been her point. [Yes so how come this bothers me? Well it bothers me bc.........] i was hoping we would have a nice ride back and it was only ok. I was hoping after that things would go smoothly. Even though I was the one who well ‘started it’. ‘