Briefly: Updated @ Noon in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Days like this bother me. At 9 a.m. the outside world is still pitch black. It has been happening a lot around here. And I know that as we approach the end of daylight savings time, that will happen more. But honestly… it feel like an omen. There have legitimately been less sunny days here then anywhere else I’ve lived. Clouds, rain storms, massive destructive storms… the sun, it seems, has to struggle greatly to shine through. Meanwhile, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get warm as balls here. Yesterday, (September in the mid-west) it was 93 degrees in the area! So… uncomfortably hot, mostly a lack of sun… just from that perspective: no wonder there is so much unhappiness around this place.

Cecilia had the day off yesterday. So… a full day with no interaction. Cecilia has the day off today. I expect another full day with no interaction. And the very idea behind all of that seems insane to me. Not her taking time off, she’s more than earned it. The fact that by removing a single person from my daily life; I’m facing a day with no human interaction. That is what is insane to me. And, frankly, soul crippling… but that’s my own issue.

Days like today bother me. Yes, partially because with No Cecilia there is no human interaction. But there’s more to it than that. I feel… completely cut loose.
(As I wrote that last sentence, the skies opened up again. A hard, driven pounding rain assaults the roof above me. It sounds like the angry assault of a weather system furious to be bothered.) But I do feel completely cut loose. Plopped at a desk; given a list of cases and expected to figure out what to do all on my lonesome. Pretty much exactly like how I felt when I very first started this job. And that fact is upsetting in itself. The idea that even after 173 days here… I”m still, in many ways, brand new. Yeah, I know how to file a Trial Information… I can write Minutes of Testimony… I’ve done a few Juvenile Matters and Mental Health Matters and Probation Revocations. But you know what? I was on the phone the other day to an attorney in Des Moines… and everything I’ve done here? Paralegal work for the most part. At least to Des Moines. So… an attorney in THIS area of Iowa is qualified to be a PARALEGAL in Des Moines. Bull. Shit. In both ways. First, that this area has only prepared me for paralegal work when the Boss is disappearing in a few months time. Second, that all of that paperwork filing is done by paralegals in Des Moines. If all of the paperwork is done by paralegals; then what do the attorneys actually do?!
Though… of course… if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t feel so “cut loose” right now. If I knew what attorneys do/did/were supposed to do… I’d at least be able to try to do it.

All of that which led me to:
(1) I have re-applied for the Iowa Bar Association Mentorship program. Last time I applied, they told me that there was no way they could get me somebody. NO way. Because there weren’t enough attorneys in my part of the state. I’m hoping that has changed but largely doubt it. The entirety of Northwest Iowa is essentially in free fall. Mostly farming, so less space for population growth. Farming is taking an absolute beating both in how it provides for the farmers and how those individuals can provide/participate with their communities. And it isn’t that NW Iowa is the only farming area. There are farms throughout Iowa. But NW seems to just… be in a bad way.
(2) I’m looking for jobs passionately again. Because after really addressing my priorities… it makes sense that the things that matter are (a) Getting Back Home; (b) Having SOME Kind of Paying Job w/Health Insurance… and that’s it. So while I would hate myself and consider myself an abject failure.... working full time as a Bank Teller or Receptionist is back on the table. Because at least those are jobs that I could do without someone else’s guidance. I can’t do the law without aid. There is a reason the job was an apprenticeship for centuries. Because the job requires a Mentor/Mentee relationship. And yeah. There is a sour, angry pit in my stomach as I look at receptionist and paralegal jobs. Essentially trying to determine what the Cost Benefit Analysis would be. Stay at a job I can’t do in a community of horrifying isolation… making a decent salary with minimal expenses.... or find a job that I can do albeit significantly under my education level making a moderate hourly wage with higher expenses.

And seriously… with that thought process in my head right now? My emotional state is one of anger and despair. Angry that I deluded myself into thinking “I can go to law school, find a job, and be fine!” Angry that starting over from scratch… going back to the Hourly Wage Grind… seems like an acceptable option. Angry that my now-wife and I were living exactly where we wanted to live… and then I moved us out of state on my grand Law School Adventure.

The funny thing is, Wife still supports that choice. Even when I don’t. I told her last night that I am so angry and saddened that… we were living in West Des Moines. We were able to host social get togethers every weekend. We could explore Des Moines at a moment’s notice. We could take a quick drive to my parents’, my grandfathers’, or my brother’s. We could see a movie trailer and then watch that movie the year it came out. We had, in most respects, the life we want to get back to. And I moved us. And Wife jumped in to say that she still supports my decision. That, since we didn’t know what was going to happen… choosing to leave the area, to grow as people, to experience new things, and expose ourselves to different lifestyles … was still the right choice. Honestly… God Bless her for that. Because I can’t be as forgiving to myself. Even knowing what I know.

Law School in Omaha… it taught me who I am. It showed me the things in life that I love, helped me understand the things in life that made me uncomfortable, and introduced me to things I had never experienced but fell in love with. As a personal matter… Law School in Omaha was incredibly positive. I discovered that I loved trial practice and litigation. I had my first real interaction with Table Top Gaming and Cooperative Board Games and found them to be essential elements to a good social life. I was reintroduced to Anime but this time, it was a positive and entertaining experience. I made a friend that I’m motivated to keep in contact with. So, yeah. As a personal matter… Law School in Omaha was incredibly positive. But in every other way… removing us from where we were? And worse, bringing us to where we are? I’ve made a terrible mistake. So… in order to make up for it… in order to fix it… maybe I do have to accept a job as a paralegal or receptionist. In order to make amends for my own foolish desire to grow… maybe I do have to return to a job that I was qualified for 15 years ago. I can be the most highly educated Wal Mart Cashier you ever saw!

Here’s something else that rather proves I am not fitting in around here and that… I may not want to. Because I was so desperate to see other people, I wandered around today and “popped in on” some of the DHS people. All day they’ve been talking about Homecoming. High School Homecoming. None of them have children still in High School. They all have children either in College or completely out of the nest. And yet… they are talking about Homecoming. Discussing who won Homecoming Queen… if she deserved it… what she’ll wear on the parade float… what time everyone should round up for The Big Game.
Call me a misanthrope; but I didn’t give a shit about that when I was in High School. I’m certainly not going to care about that shit 15 years later. If I need to “relive” my High School days by fawning over someone else’s child simply because they were voted “Most Popular” or “Most Pretty”… I’d rather die. And seriously… I get it. This is life in the small, micro towns. When an Area-Wide Get Together equals less people than even attended my High School… they live and die on their High School Football and High School Events. And I’m not saying “BOO ON THEM”… if this is the life they enjoy, I’m all for it… especially if they can do it without getting drunk or high (because this area desperately needs to curb its massive alcohol abuse). HOWEVER… it isn’t me. And I understand the argument “Make it you” but… I’ll admit that I find that very offensive. As a childless 32 year old man; I will not become obsessed with The Area High School and I find the suggestion or demand to do so to be… foolish.
Seriously… even now, the entire DHS department is in one of the offices comparing dress fashions to figure out what the Homecoming Queen may wear. I’m not judging… enjoy your hobbies. BUT I CAN’T DO IT! And I’m starting to think that I’m switching between angry and depressed simply as a way to stave off insanity.... because I can certainly feel it. My wife has wanted a deadline and… this may have absolutely cinched it. Hell or High Water… even if I have to be a receptionist making $16 an hour… we will not spend more than one Christmas Season in this county. I cannot allow it.

Last updated September 23, 2016