Thursday Morning in New Diary

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. I got u[ early at 3 and spent a lot of time reading my book History of the Creation of the American Republic by Gordon S Wood. I remember reading one chapter where the author talks the idea of a mixed government. He was that the idea of a mixed government corresponded with the estates in society All countries from ancient times to present day had three estates the one, monarchy, the few, aristocracy and the many the people.

I remember he was quoting John Adams. Adams was giving a speech in his home town. He was taking about the three estates. He said all three estates have something to offer. If a country is governed by a monarchy you have energy. If a country is governed by an aristocracy you have wisdom. If a country is governed by the people you have a democracy.

The problem, according to Adams and other thinkers of the time, is that men are not content. They are always grasping for more power. In a government ruled by a kind you have a dictatorship. In a democracy the people can grasp more and more power there is complete anarchy. The perfect solution is to have a government where all three estates are represented. Each estate acts as a check agaist the other .

Thought this was interesting stuff. I actually remembered a lot of what I read. Read for a very long time yesterday morning. Then ii had a therapy appointment at Healthways. It didn’t go very well.

I have a good therapist. I like him. But yesterday he kept going on and on about how I need to get out of my apartment. He said he used to work in a prison. They would punish inmates by locking them in a room. After a couple of weeks they were in pretty bad shape, I said I don’t stay in all the time. I said I visit Chocolatechip Sometimes after supper we sit outside He said I need to walk even for a little bit Told him I have arthritis. He said arthritis gets worse if you do not exercise.

He went on and on about how I need to get out. He asked me how often I go out. I said not very often and not to too many places. I go to Wal Mart for groceries once or twice a month. Then I go to my Healthways appointment and doctor’s appointments. Other than that that is ab out it. I said I like to stay at home. But he seems to think by staying in my apartment all the time I am isolating myself. Isolation is not good. and is the major reason why I have been so depressed.

He mentioned the fact that I saw the doctor yesterday. I said ye I did. I was telling him about how depressed I have been. I thought my meds were not working. He said t he doctor know my lifestyle. Meds can only do so much and I am already on a high dose of antidepressants. He said that was why he didn’t make any changes. Bottom line is I need to change if I want to feel better,

That pretty much ended my session. Case manager took me to new Dairy Queen. I bought a large milkshake. Then she took me home.

Depression hit me yesterday afternoon. I felt very bad. I kept thinking about my therapy session. I remember he was asking me why I started staying in my apartment in the first place. I had a hard time answering that question. I told him I thought people hate me because I used to be a crossdresser,. He said they have a lot of new people in the building. Most of the people who lived here here when I did that are gone. I said people give mew di4rty looks. People do not speak to me when I speak to them. I thought about it and I remain convinced people hate me., I cannot stand the real or perceived animosity.

Anyways I felt very bad. I was thinking if all this Is not real then I must be very crazy. This thought is ingrained in my head. I am convinced of it. Then I know for a fact that people do hate me. I thought if I really do think like this then I must have some very serious problems. I am screwed up big time. and that made me very depressed and very tired.

I was able to snap out of it. Chocolatechip cheered me up She always does. We played a game of 500 Rum. She won Then she cooked dinner. We had a good dinner of sloppy joes and scalloped potatoes. She even cleaned up the kitchens. She is an angel and my rock. After dinner I felt truly blessed to have her in my life.

Life is pretty good. 1` I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of my meds. 3 I have food to eat. I have clothes to wear 4 I have a wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip. 5 I have phone, internet, cable tv. 6 I have plenty of books to read. 7 I am not hooked on alcohol or drugs. 8 I am in fairly good physical health. 9 I have a worker that comes in to clean and fix breakfast. 10 I am debt free everything I have is bought and paid for. 11 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways

Life is pretty damned good.

Last updated September 22, 2016