How much longer do i need this body? in Random Thoughts

Slowly ive cut out NPR and podcasts, instead listening to calm chanting and what youtube calls “meditation music.” All the talking was too much in my brain. So much information that i may enjoy listening to, but really doesn’t do much for me. Especially my poor memory…

So. I feel a stillness. Calmness. I carry it with me.

In the mornings, when i come back from the gym, i listen to this:

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My lights dim, the rising sun’s presence barely felt, and quiet chanting. I sat on my couch this morning and wondered whether i can ever live with someone else again, whether i could have children (not that my nearing 40 year old body is likely to conceive). I live in this quietness. I love in it. My little rituals.

The changes ive made over the past year or so have helped my emotional state immensely. But. Not all the time. I’ve had a few things happen to me that show i need work. My over the top visceral and emotional response to what i perceive as failure or stress. When i had plumbing issues that i thought was going to be more money than i had, i couldn’t keep it together. I mean, i wasn’t falling apart, but my ability to interact with the general public (i.e. work) was severely limited.

And some interactions with my principal have left me feeling devastated. There is no reason for me to feel this way, i am not in trouble. But it’s my perception of being and having done wrong that lays me low. I feel like an utter failure and that she is just looking for a way to get rid of me.

Ugh.

Meditation has been beautiful lately. Not always, of course, there are tough days when turning off the internal dialogue is difficult and i can’t seem to relax all of the muscles around my eyes. But transcendence.

One time, though.

One time.

I had a thought rise up from my heart. I don’t know where it came from.

Something like this-

“How much longer do i need this body?”

I haven’t told anyone this, yet. Maybe i won’t.