The Vase Is the Most Interesting Part of This Story in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

The other day, Sarah asked me to be in the wedding. I couldn’t think of a polite way to decline, besides which I figure how many weddings am I really going to get to be apart of. Maybe I’ll get to be in Cameron or Chuckie’s, but I’m so much older than they are, they probably won’t want me. So the day I found out about the news, I needed a cocktail.

That was when I ended up with Casey (the guy from Silver Inches) at some random girls’ apartment. We were sleeping on the couch when his friend Will started making this loud hacking noise. Will is Casey’s best friend and was sleeping on the floor. Will is one of those guys who doesn’t really say anything and so you just assume he’s pissed off all the time because that’s how he looks.

Will gets up and stumbles around the living room a little bit. He’s grunting like crazy and knocks over a vase full of flowers, at which point I wondered where the fuck people find vases in this decade. I honestly haven’t seen one at a store since 1999.

It was then that the strangest thing happened, Will started peeing in the middle of the living room. Like, on the carpet and even on the coffee table. Just right there. In the middle of the room.

In my head, if you’re so drunk and out of it that you can’t even tell you’re not in a bathroom, there are some problems going on. So I got terrified, and I mean heart-pounding, room-spinning, don’t-scream-or-the-killer-will-find-you terrified. So I grabbed onto Casey and held him for dear life.

I don’t know why I feel safe around him because he’s the epitome of everyone who ever bullied me in high school, but for whatever reason, I feel protected. Whenever I leave his presence and I think about what happened, I immediately feel instantly pathetic. I hate it.

I hate a lot of things right now. But I figure, if the wedding is as lame as that bachelorette party, I can always spike the punch with Molly.

Last updated September 22, 2016