Saturday morning in New Diary

I went to bed early last night. I got up at 4. I had a bad bout of depression yesterday afternoon. I was thinking about finance nd ruminating about the fact that it is the middle of the month and I’m broke already. I have $15 for meds and $10 for laundry and that is I looked at October’s budget and decided i’m not going to be any better off than when I was making computer payments. f got to thinking about this as well as other crap and tht made me very depressed.

Chocolatechip was talking to me about one of her neighbors. He is a very elderly gentleman. He his drivers license. He also lost hi cooking privileges He was telling her that he tried to get his drivers license restored. He was also talking to the apt manger and complained about not having a stove. He wanted his stove back. She was saying his biggest problem is that he needs to stop complaining and accept his life for what it is. He needs to accept things and learn to make the best out of his situation.

I got to thinking about our conversation. I started wondering if I need to learn how to accept things as they are. I need to accept the fact that I’m 65 and getting old. I need to learn to accept the fact that I can’t do the things I used to be able to do I need to learn to accept the fact that I am estranged from my family and that is not going to change. I need to learn not to beat myself up for all the stupid things I did and the fact my life never turned out the way I wanted it to be.

I dwell on this shit. It is called rumination. I know it does me no good and only gets me depressed. But I do it anyways If I can just learn to accept my life for what it is now instead of dwelling on crap the depression might be licked. I think learning to accept things the way they are is my biggest challenge.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life. The best part of it all is I have Chocolatechip. It was my turn to cook yesterday. I was feeling so down I just wasn’t up to it. She thought nothing of cleaning up my kitchen and cooking dinner. She even did the dishes and cleaned up afterwards. She is an angel. I tell her I am the luckiest man in the world!

Remember always focus on the positive. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays most of the cost of my meds. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I m in fairly good physical health. 6 I have a wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip. 7 I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs. 8 I have a worker that comes in fixes breakfast and cleans. 9 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways. 10 I am debt free everything I have is bought and paid for.

Ten good things in my life. I am very lucky Life is not so bad. Life is pretty damned good.

Last updated September 17, 2016