Sunday morning in New Diary

I slept pretty good last night. I was up at 3 went back to bed. I was up for good at 6. I had my daily ration of coffee I feel fairly perky and upbeat today. I did some reading in new book Creation of the American Republic 1776-1787 by Gordon S Wood. I’m on the third chapter

My mind started to wander. I started to think about my last entry. I came to the conclusion that I think too much about my past. When I do this I really get depressed. I start thinking about all kinds of shit. I think about all the mistakes I made. I start thinking that I must be a real POS This is when depression really gets bad As I was reading my mood suddenly began to go down the tubes. I was in for another major depressive episode.

I tried to put a stop to this real quick. I said to myself this is not doing me any good. I was thinking irrational and very negative thoughts., I tried to refute these thoughts. I told myself I made mistakes but that does not make me a horrible person. I reminded myself that a lot of people didn’t graduate from college when they were younger. For one reason or another many people flunked out of West Liberty. That doesn’t mean t hey should be branded for life as being miserable failures.

In any case I need to stop thinking about this crap. I know it is not helping me. I do not know why I am dwelling so much on my past. it is not healthy to be ruminating one thing all the time. I got to stop thinking about shit and learn to accept my life for what it is now. After all I can’t change the past. The past is gone. I can only learn from my mistakes and focus on making myself a better person.

Thinking about this I reminded myself of many good qualities I have. 1 I do not lie cheat ort steal. 2 I pay my bills on time. 3 I live within my means. 4 I do not gossip or spread rumors. 5 I do not abuse alcohol or drugs. 6 I have never cheated on anyone I was with or hit a woman in my life. 7 I am always tying to better myself through reading. 8 I am not a controlling or jealous jerk.9 I think I am fairly kind and decent towards others.

Of the bat I thought up of nine positive qualities about me. I am not a piece of shit. I made my mistakes. I screwed up big time. But this only makes me a fallible human being. It does not make me a monster . But I do have to stop ruminating and beating myself up over past mistakes.