Another week. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I worked day shift on Friday and was having a decent day until the old roommate text me about the car insurance. I didn’t put him back on and he’s been driving uninsured for a month. I let him know that I had to replace all my things that he never brought back and I didn’t feel comfortable doing it because after him deciding he wasn’t going to pay rent due to not being on the lease, that this would probably end up the same way. I also threw in a dig about the co-dependent comment that was made and needless to say, he didn’t respond.

I let him know that if he wasn’t going to reach out and try to be girlfriends, then it was probably best for him to let me be. It’s not my job to make sure he has car insurance, especially after all the money he cost me, not giving me back my house keys, living off me for several months, bringing drugs into my house, and I will never forget being called a liar, lazy, co-dependent, or irresponsible. I may be a lot of things but I’m none of those.

The whole thing just pisses me off because he’s already decided I was co-dependent so if I were to put him back on my car insurance, then I really would be. I am never again going to help him and I want him to seriously leave me the fuck alone. Every time I hear from him it’s because he needs something of me and it’s counterproductive of me healing and getting myself in a better place.

I know that I need counseling but I just can’t afford it. I’m going to apply for Medicaid again because I know it would be really helpful if I could see someone and start trying to get myself figured out. I need to have someone help me understand why I’m the way I am and why it’s so hard for me to set boundaries. I still feel really abandoned by people from my past and sometimes it’s hard to understand why I can’t just let shit go.

I know that I’m finally starting to heal and recover from the roommate and I’d rather not hear from him as when I do, all it takes is one text and it breaks me down. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I don’t like knowing that this person still has that power over me to get in my head. I wasted a lot of tears on this person that proved to not be worth any of it and I just want to move on and it’s a lot easier when he isn’t bothering me.

Some days I still wake up in a shitty place with everything and once I’m completely awake and I’ve talked to my friends, I feel a lot better but I’m just waiting for the day when none of this hurts anymore. I know that I’m going to be okay but some days, I wonder if I really am or I’m just putting on a front so I can get through the fucking day.

I asked one of my best friends if she thought I was co-dependent and she said no. She said I’m just lonely. I know that loneliness is a motherfucker and it’s made me do and say things that I wouldn’t do under healthy circumstances. I’ve fought to keep people in my life just to be used and mistreated. I know I’m better off alone but I would like it to change someday. I don’t want to just plan to be on my own forever. It’s truly exhausting. I get that it’s made me a super strong person but emotionally vulnerable to be a target for shitty people with crap intentions too.

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m co-dependent or not. I read an article on Facebook about it and I think I do have co-dependent tendencies from being alone for so fucking long. There’s this part that says, “Sometimes you can lapse into a fantasy about her you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present” and I honestly believe I’ve done this before.

All i know is I don’t want to hurt like this ever again and that’s why I stay closed off and by myself. I’m tired of getting hurt and fucked over when all I want to do is love people and have them to share memories with. I also get tired of doing everything by myself when it comes to bills and house cleaning. It would also be nice to have people to go do things with. I never did go swimming this summer, or fishing, or do anything other then work and watch my brother’s kid so they could go out and have a life.

Anyways, I have to work today and don’t want to keep writing about shit that’s going to put me in a bad mood so I’m gonna scroll thru the Facebook bullshit and get ready for work.