Days off. in Since OD is shutting down....

My days off were pretty uneventful. I slept a lot and got my house picked up. I did laundry and made some chicken and dumplings in the crock pot. Today I did dishes, dusted, and windex the tv’s. I didn’t have much going on and nothing to do so I just hung out at home and recharged my batteries. I am really hoping I’ll have something to do when I’m off next or I’m gonna go bat-shit crazy. I hate not having anyone to hang out with but such is life.

I hung out with my Mom for her lunch yesterday. Of course I had to buy her food as she never has money. I’m just so tired of the same fucking shit and that’s why I don’t have much to do with them. I just don’t think I should have to spend money to hang out with anyone. I shouldn’t have to decide being used or being alone. It’s gotten pretty old.

I’ve done a lot of reading about codependency and I really don’t think I am, but I do think I have co-dependent tendencies because I’m just so fucking used to people mooching off me that I just do stuff to avoid things being uncomfortable and avoiding an argument. I need to figure out how to have healthy relationships with people and I think I’m going to start with playing the broke card.

Ugh, I just worry way too much about everything and I really wish I didn’t. I know that it’s a waste of time but it’s who I am as a person. I honestly don’t believe that anyone worries about me unless they want something. I still don’t think anyone truly cares about me. I know that I have a couple of friends that actually make the effort to call everyday but outside of them, I’m on my own.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is I worry that those people I know that took my roommate’s side a couple of months ago are going to come back. I know that that they aren’t completely happy where they are and I just worry how things would be at work if they returned. I don’t think they’d come where I am but I hope that if they come back to town, that they’ll go to the new store. I just worry that if they were to come back that my old roommate would start coming to my work to see them. Even though he’s not allowed inside, he would still come get them and hang out. He knows damn well it would strike a nerve but he’s a nervy fucking bitch that would do it anyway. I guess I just need to remember I can’t control other people or their actions, but I can damn sure control how I react.

I’m actually pretty excited to go to work because I am bored out of my fucking mind and thank God I have a job to go to. I was supposed to go see my friend on Sunday but I’ve decided that I’m not going to anymore because I feel like it’s more expected than it is appreciated. I’m not gonna apologize for her being locked up as she put herself there and it’s a huge expense and hassle to go see her. I don’t feel like she appreciates that I drive 500 miles in a day to see her AND send her money. I just can’t keep doing this shit!

I just wish things could be different. I hate this situation but there’s nothing I can do to change it. I just keep going because I believe that God has a plan for me and what keeps me going is hope. At this point, that’s all I have left. I applied to get medicaid because I’d really like to get back into counseling because i have a lot of things that I need to get help with because if not, I feel like I’m always going to be in the same spot with people.

Life is super hard but I’m thankful to have a job I love, have my own place, have cars to drive, and most of all, be able to take care of myself. When people ask how I’m doing, I always say, “living the dream” because I truly am. I’m here living on my own 2 feet and that’s what I always wanted. I don’t have to rely on anyone and that’s a huge deal to me.

I’ve thought so much about the roommate and I’m still glad that he’s moved out and I’m not in a living nightmare anymore. I’d rather bitch about being lonely than have someone living off me that showed me as little respect as possible. I don’t believe I deserved any of it but I was hell bent that I wasn’t going to continue allowing it either. I just thought that because he had been homeless and everything that he would have actually tried to make it work but he didn’t. I made all of the effort and some days it still makes me so angry that I get sick to my stomach. Never again will I let someone run all over me like he did.

Anyways, I need to start getting myself ready for work and everything so I’ll write more later or tomorrow.