Friday Afternoon in New Diary

I am feeling kind of down today. Depression is back with a vengeance. I’m tryining to think what triggered it this time. I try to pay close attention to my thoughts and feeoings since I know my thinking at any given time triiggeres a depressive e0pisode For one thing it seems like the end of the month. We call it the end of the month blues. It happens when you are a week away from getting your check and you are broke and out of cigarettes. Nicotine craving were terrible t this time and they always put me in a very bad mood.

I try to tell myself positive thoughts. One is I have enough food to last until the end of the month. I have 22 packs of cigars and this should last me until next month. I have everything I need except money. This is the 16th already and I am broke. Oh well the bills are paid and f I have food to eat. I think it is the idea of being broke already that is bothering me.

The same thing always happens every month We get our checks on the first and third. We are feeling pretty good on top of the world. We are out there spending money. Then rent and other bills has to be paid. Money is gone cigarettes are running low and we start to get in a very shitty mood. The shitty mood gets worse at the end of the month Then we get are check and are flying high again

I learned to ;live within my mean. I think I do a pretty good job in managing money. I make sure my rent is paid and Comcast is paid. I make sure I have enough money for food for the month. I make sure I have enough cigars to last me I make sure I have money for meds and laundry. I make sure I have all the things I need. But I can never make my check last all month. It is depressing to be halfway through the month and broke.

I was thinking about my financial state and I got a bit depressed this morning. I made one big spurge. I ordered subs from Foxes’ pizza twice. I shouldn’t have done this and I feel guilty If I hadn’t had done this I would have had money in my pocket now. Only thing I did wrong this month was in ordering the subs. I shouldn’t have wasted my money. But they were so good

I was thinking a lot about finances today. I went over next months budget. Since I don’t have to make any computer payments I thought things would be a lot better. As of right now it doesn’t look so good. I got $150 set a side for food. Food alwayts takes a big bite out of my check. After this I will not have much left. Also I was going to start to save money for an eye glass appointment next year. I do not see how I can do this but I will try.

Anyway I got up at 7:30 this morning. was feeling pretty good. I got ready for an appointment with my case manager. We went to the state building in town. I stopped at the welfare office. I got a print out of my food stamp the whole $16. Then I stopped at the department of motor vehicles office MY state id expired. I will have to fork out another $18 for a new id card. Then we went to Wal Mart. I got a case of pop and a can of coffee.

When I got home I spent the rest of the morning reading. Chocolatechip came up and we had a nice visit. Then she went home.

Well life is good. Think of all the positive things in life. 1 I have a roof over my head. 2 I have insurance that pays for most of the cost of my meds. 3 I have clothes to wear. 4 I have food to eat. 5 I have a wonderful fiancé in Chocolatechip. 6 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 7 I have plenty of books to read. 8 I have a worker that comes in and cleans andf fixes breakfast. 9 I have a wonderful support system in Healthways. 10 I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. 11 Everything I have is bought and paid for.

Only thought of ten today but life is still good. Life is -pretty damned good.