IJDGAF! in Since OD is shutting down....

I was being an undeniable bitch yesterday. I was fine up until that Dan guy said, “hey” to me and I was like, I don’t respond to hey, I respond to ** because that’s my name” and he shut up real fucking quick. I can’t stand that fucker and I am pretty sure I’ve made it quite clear. That one dude I kinda like…well, I don’t anymore. I was a complete bitch to him last night too. He told me to go say hi to one of our mutual friends and I said no because he didn’t ask me but merely told me too. I don’t take orders from anyone, especially men.

I woke up super crabby and hateful this morning. I’m just angry that things are so fucked with my old roommate, my niece, my parents, just everything. I just have days where shit gets to me. Most of the time I don’t but when I don’t work until late afternoon, I have too much time on my hands. i have been thinking of getting a second job just so I don’t have any free time.

I’ve wasted a lot of time wishing things were different and bending my life around other people just to keep them around and I still end up with nothing. It’s just easier for me to be closed off because whenever I let people in, I end up with more hurt than I can handle.

The old roommate is a great example. I need to just forget about him because he doesn’t care to be a part of my life and never did. He fucking used me and shit on me until I finally blew up and then I was the bad guy. He doesn’t care what he fucking put me through. I need to just accept that he’s never going to come around and I have to let it go and continue living. I don’t even know how the fuck I could have let someone fuck me up this bad but I have to find a way to let it go. He’s a very detached, cold person and it’s best for me to not give him any more rent free space in my head.

I’m glad I work all day tomorrow and Saturday because by the time I get off, I’m too tired to give a shit about anything.

There’s this guy I’ve been talking to the past couple of days that wants a sexual relationship with me. He has an open marriage and his wife is totally cool with us going out. My friends are worried I’ll end up really liking him but that’s not possible. I don’t invest in anyone anymore. I’ve learned my lesson. I might hang out with him this weekend but it will just depend on when I get off work and if I’m not too tired.

Ugh, something’s got to give. I would like to start going to the gym again but I worry that I’ll never find the time or energy and I wanna wait until I’m sure my arm is healed. It’s been a lot better lately but I’m still scared to risk it. I’m down 3 pounds so that helps but still far from where I’d like to be. I’m just so frustrated. I wish I could just fucking accept my body but I can’t. I never will. I hate being so overweight and having these problems with my arm and my back to hinder my ability to do anything about it! It’s fucking bullshit!

I need to find myself. I want to find out what my purpose is on this planet and what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I wish I knew if I was just going to be alone forever. It’s just so hard to even try with anyone anymore. It’s like no one wants me for me, they want what they can get. It makes me so angry.

Anyways, I’m deep conditioning my hair and need to go rinse. More later.