Narratives and Memories in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I have often attempted to write an Autobiography. One of the earliest “bits of wisdom” I ever digested was “The unexamined life is not worth living.” As said by Socrates in Plato’s Apology. I have always interpreted it two ways. (1) Self-reflection and self-examination is a requirement to a worthwhile life. (2) A life that leaves no teachings, no stories, no legacy for others in not worth living. And so… it has long been my goal to do something or be someone worthy of a Biography.

Of course… such thinking drove me into a blind stinking rage when my 9th Grade School Library announced (in conjunction with the release of the Titanic Movie) that the library would now carry 6 different biographies of LEONARDO DICAPRIO! Not biographies of the real people on the boat. Not detailed historical narratives about the ship itself. Our library was making available SIX different biographies of an ACTOR who wasn’t even 25 yet!! I was seriously fuming… smoke coming out of the ears fuming.

So after that experience… I realized true importance mattered little to one having a biography; and I began to think… to dream, perhaps… that I still may one day get a biography.

Fast forward to the present day and, apparently, one can “hire a biographer.” Not the brilliant detailed kind of thing I want… no, no, no. It is essentially hiring someone to fill in a pre-decided questionnaire, then present you with a leather bound book of the answers clumsily collected into a stumbling narrative form.

No. That isn’t for me either.

But every time I attempt to do any type of genuine Autobiography of any kind… I fail ridiculously. Sometimes I’m simply up my own ass, I’ll admit it. Sometimes I am trying to do something so creative or trying so hard to make the narrative interesting that… I frustrate myself and walk away from the project entirely. Other times, I attempt to make a concentrated effort to simply write down the memories I have that seem the most important and cobble that into a narrative form. But, as I recently did, I invariably walk away from that as well. Because I have such a hard time blending my memory of events with the narrative of events. THE EXAMPLE that made me walk away this time....
My freshman year of High School had some good, some bad, some interesting… all of that. But, as I so often do, when writing a narrative… I focus on characters and relationships. So I’m trying to write how I got involved with Kris… which means I have to talk about the friendship with Marty in the Orchestra Room; but the Orchestra Room is where I met Jessi and even though she isn’t a pivotal figure in Freshman Year, she is an absolutely essential figure in my life every year after that year, and by focusing on relationships I miss the whole thing about Hadrian’s Wall and I even forget to mention working on JB but by focusing on all of that, I don’t get around to describing being on the same Swim Team as my brother or learning Water Polo and.....................................

My brain just goes off like that. Which is why… yeah, I may continue to try to do autobiographical work. I may even publish (to Prosebox) what I’ve been working on lately. But… it lacks 80% of what I want my story to include. I don’t want to gloss over losing a friend to cancer (3 times). I don’t want to forget to write about my Grandmother dying in 1992. I don’t want to skip over emergency surgery for Testicular Torsion… or the year I spent being examined by University Doctors to see why I stopped growing. But as I look back on my life… I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the proper narrative. Besides which, I’ve forgotten huge elements to some stories… so while the night in Chicago before 6 Flags with the Cliquey Youth Group is strong in my mind and still hurts my feelings… I can’t personally include it into any narrative story because that is the only thing I remember from the entire weekend.

Ultimately… I still want a biographer. Not necessarily to enshrine my great works (I don’t have any and who knows if I ever will). Not necessarily to award me for “achieving” something. Frankly, I’d like to have a biographer to see how they write what my life has been. To see what beats are kept, what stories are shared, how the narrative develops. Perhaps it is insanely narcissistic…but I want to read a book about my life written by someone else… so I can see who that book depicts.