Thursday morning in New Diary

I woke up very early today. I felt rather good. I had my morning coffee and started reading. Then for some reason my mood dropped big time. I felt way down. I felt like crying and did for a while. I do not know what gets over me at times. . I’m going along at an even keel and all of sudden depression hits me and felt that it is the end of the world.

I got up at 3:30 this morning I was sitting at my kitchen table reading my book and drinking coffee. I was feeling pretty perky for a while. Then all of a sudden my mood changed. It dropped and I felt like crying for no reason. I just sat at my kitchen table and out of the blue it hit me big time.

I talk to my case manager about these mood changes. She always asked me what am I thinking at the time. I I started thinking about how old I am. I started thinking that it is lll downhill from here. I started to think a bout that I am nothing but a failure in life. For while I started thinking that my life is over I have no future and it is not going to get any better. These thoughts came over me all of a sudden. All of a sudden my mood shifted from feeing pretty good to feeling pretty much like crap.

I started to think about this and I reminded myself I am not a complete failure. I held down jobs. I worked at one place for ten years. I graduated from Jefferson Technical College and have an associates degree in accounting. I worked as a VISTA volunteer for an adult literacy council. I did try very hard to make something of myself. Is it my fault that I suffered from mental illness most of my life and one time it got the best of me when I had psychotic breakdown? Just because I have mental illness does that make me a complete failure.

I am not a failure I am not a bad person I have my faults but I think I’m a pretty decent human I do not put others down. I do not lie steal or cheat. I do not use alcohol or street drugs. I pay my bills and live within my means. I do a fairly good job at managing my own finances. I lived in the same apartment building for almost wo years and just living at OT and staying out of trouble was not easy

I tried to think about the successes I had. I tried to think about the positive things in my life. I tried to refocus my thoughts from being negative to positive. As I thought about this stuff my mood began to change. I began to feel a little bit better . I reminded myself about the daily/y affirmations and all the good things in my life. I thought about Chocolatechip and this made me feel better. Life does not seem too bad now. Life is pretty good.

But the sudden shift of mood was real scary. I am doing good now but I could go through the same thing. I think the key is to keep a close watch on my thinking. If my mood suddenly changes quickly examine my thinking and try to refute irrational thoughts. Thinking rationally is the key to good mental health. Life is good.

Last updated September 08, 2016