8:45 a.m. (started, continued sporadically) in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

8:45 a.m.
I woke up with that inexplicable rage again. I haven’t felt that in a while. I’m going to claim (with no idea if it is accurate) that it is because it is already 76 degrees Fahrenheit and 81% humidity. They tell me this city was built on a swamp and days like today I can certainly believe that is true. I’m sweating my absolute face off right now and it feels like my suit is trying to suffocate me to death. Plus it certainly doesn’t help that I’ve been putting off a much needed haircut for months now. THAT is mostly because I am stubborn. I refuse to do “The Old Way” for haircuts. I’m not going to call a week in advance, schedule an appointment, make sure to get off work, and pay over $40 for a simple haircut. I want to do it how I’ve always done it. Go in when I can, have them cut my hair quickly, and I leave them a $20 to include charge and tip. Especially if I’m telling them what to do and not getting any extra services (shampoo, hair dye, styling)… I just… don’t want to do the whole Big To Do Hair Appointment thing. So, surprise surprise… in order to get a simple In and Out Haircut Experience… I have to leave the county. So I’ll struggle through this sweaty as hell situation I’ve got going for myself. BAH!
Time to go do a Revocation of Probation! Don’t get excited… I’m probably going to be chastised by the judge. I’ve never done one of these and was encouraged to “trust that Revocations will be mostly handled by Department of Corrections”… but you’ll forgive me if I have a hard time trusting what my boss tells me of late.

10:45 a.m.
Courts move slowly. And even the Department of Corrections around here told me, “This isn’t a good place to learn. We lose people quickly in your position and it is easy to see why.” Thus, once again, making me think (as I select a random Pseudonym) I WANT THAT JOB IN WAYNE COUNTY TO WORK OUT But at the same time, I’m tempering it all. It took two years to find a job, and the only place that would take me was the most desperate cesspool in all of Iowa. Less than 6 months here isn’t exactly the shinning “HIRE HIM” a lot of places are looking for. So while I would love it if Wayne County took me in; I can’t expect it, I can’t count on it, I can’t even consider it a possibility. I sent my application. I sent my resume and references. Now the only thing I can do is do my current job to the best of my limited abilities… and keep looking for places to apply to. And seriously… every ounce of who I am is now completely dedicated to leaving. Over the weekend, I spent time with a good friend. We didn’t do much; but it was fantastic. To just… sit… and… be with a friend. I almost wept with appreciation. So… if I can get to a place that is willing to train me, teach me, help me become an attorney, a place that is willing to provide even a modicum of the resources I need… a place that is closer to friends and family… a place that is closer to restaurants and shopping centers and civilization… that’s what I need. The ability to plan a date with my wife that doesn’t require a 90 minute car drive. The ability to call up a friend and grab a meal. I need it in my life.

12:15 p.m.
I am exhausted. Falling asleep at my desk, exhausted. In a perfect world, I’d go home… take a nap… come back to the office and continue on with the pointlessness of trying to figure out where/why things are in certain places in relation to cases. But that is the problem with my apathy and unintelligence mixing. I have THIS many cases; I’m up on THIS many cases; and I have some potentially important things to do on this many cases. But NONE of them have been looked at yet. I sit down and… have to begin organizing my desk to access the files. Get stuck, start to doze off, and forcefully shake myself awake. Something has certainly got to give.

1:45 p.m.
I’ve been catching up on Prosebox, fielding an absolute fuckton of phone calls and haven’t done much with actual case files. I’m not proud of this by any means… but I can say confidently that I do not know what cases are going to trial tomorrow (if any). I need to fix that. And so much of that crap is because we don’t have any digital management systems. In an age where most offices are going completely paperless; I have to navigate a system as old as I am. Frustrating and certainly not inspiring. And I’m getting frustrated and angry with myself. It should all be so simple. Make a list… do the list… repeat. It should be that simple. But as I sit here; surrounded by paperwork and case files… I can’t even figure out how to start. And it tires me out… this time not due to sleepless nights or body pains… it tires me out because I am tired of feeling this way. It seems that so much of this last decade has been stuck in dour feelings. Law School, though stressful and fun, was marred with the dour realities of a struggling marriage. Post-Law School was heavily marred with the 2 year struggle to find a job. And, of course, as soon as I get a job… it is in a place that is, apparently, well known for being awful. Often in my life, people have said that I am too quick to paint myself a victim… too willing to see myself as somehow damned. And while I openly admit that I have been spared a great many hardships and burdens in my lifetime… I am certainly feeling rundown by these last five years. Though, to be fair… the last 2 have certainly been the most difficult to deal with emotionally. And I do have to wonder… have to hope, I suppose… that I won’t simply be this tired forever. Again, I am reminding myself and telling myself that this Wayne County Application may never amount to anything… there is every reason to suspect that I may be stuck in Up North County for years. And I need to learn how to deal with that, how to cope with that. It is a matter of survival. But… right now? I’m just… tired.

3:30 p.m.
I just spoke in person with an attorney and received e-mails from other attorneys about cases that are out there. And I quite frankly don’t know what to do. All of these attorneys are upset and surprised that I don’t share my boss (and my predecessor’s) lack of conviction. A woman gets her 3rd DUI in 5 years; defense attorney asks me to drop it to DUI, first offense; and I tell him to pound sand. Except… that was/is standard fair around here. And they become upset that my appearance has entirely changed how they do things(!!) And anymore? I am beginning to think that I should be more like my predecessor. If defense counsel wants me to do something ridiculous… why should I care?

Hell, I can’t today.... I can’t most days. And as the day has progressed it has been harder to hold my head up. First, simply from being tired. Now, from obvious feelings of sadness, emptiness, and even pointlessness.

What I HOPE to do versus what I ACTUALLY do for the next 48 hours will be interesting.
What I HOPE to do is…
(1) Get cash from the convenience store
(2) Pick up a box from home
(3) Bring box back to work and grab a whole shit ton of papers
(4) Convince Wife to eat at The Cow so I can punch my depression in the face with Ice Cream
(5) Return home and work on organizing this bullshit
(6) Fall asleep
(7) Wake up early and actually get the fuck out of bed
(8) Come in to work early to print off an absolute fuckload so I can have a semblance of understanding for what this month will bring
(9) Magistrate Court; with all of the bullshit that that brings
(10) Desperately (hopefully) actually get to work on the damned list of things I need to do. Whether those things are done right or not, I presently do not care.
(11) Return home and exercise.
(12) Eat Food & Sleep
(13) Take car to repair shop
(14) Thursday Work Day of paperwork, cleaners, and potentially (maybe) a Mental Health Hearing or something.

Of course… I wouldn’t at all be surprised if absolutely none of that happened.