Monday morning in New Diary

Well I am back for another entry. Depression is back as wll. I didn’t want to
get up this morning. I was up but laid on my couch hugging a pil/low. Finially I roused myself. I had to get going because my case manager was coming. She
had to take me to DHHR to turn in forms for food stamps. Yes I am on food stamps. I get a whopping $16 a month. Anyways I roused myself had coffee and even managed to get a shower.

I wish I could say the shower perked me up. It didn’t. Sill felt like shit this morning, I waited for my ride outside and felt like crying. I can’t help but think my life is over .I never forgot one time when my dad said that I will never amount to a hill of beans. Her was right. I never amounted to anything. I think that is what bothers me the most. I wasted my life away. and I am a failure. I need to stop thinking like that. but I cannot get that thought out of my head It is the truth. I am a failure.

I also think that I do not have much longer to live. I am very overweight and I smoke a pack of cigars a day. I do not live a healthy lifestyle. I have arthritis and have problems with seisures I can’t walk and get around like I used to. Also can’t hear worth shit anymore. Sometimes I feel that I am one step away from a nursing home or some sort of assistant living facility.

Well is the end of ther month. I will always get depressed at the end of the month. Perhaps things will look better after I get my check. I will be making my last computer payment this month. I will only have to pay $114 some a month for my computer and that will be it. No more payment.s ! I never thought I would be able to pay this thing off but I did it I will have a little extra money abd hopefully I will be able to get out some. Things should be a little bit better.

I think part of the problem is that I stay in my apartment all the time. I got in a bad habit of staying locked up in my apartment. I don’t like being around people. I think this is part of m mental problem. I feel very uncomfortable around other tenants in the building. I think they all hate me and are talking about me. . Sometimes I have absolutely no desire to go out . I like having Chocolatechip come up. She is my o person I talk with. That is about it.

Usually I don’t mind staying in my apartment. I have a lot of things to keep me busy. I have my Nook and I do a lot of reading. I love to read. It keeps my mind from wandering and thinking about bad thoughts. I get lost in a good book and I forget about everything. I find reading is the best therapy in the world Think I will go indulge in some reading therapy now.

Last updated August 29, 2016