Dreams and More in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I woke up several hours ago, so I can’t quite remember my dream as well as I would wish. But it certainly relates to the Comic Books I am missing, the past I wish I could re-visit (and repair), and the family I am missing. Ultimately, there was some huge Comic Con event that was coinciding with a huge Cubs Baseball game. My entire family was at the game and my exg/f Thompson was there (she bloody loves the Cubs!). Meanwhile, Aoife and I and several old High School friends were in a large Prep Area putting on costumes for the Cos Play event. I felt super self-conscious about my Thor costume, so I had brought along some generic monster pieces (clawed gloves, some latex for a quick mask). And I was trying to get help and opinion on whether I should stick with Thor or not. When someone said “Try combining it, like the Thor Cyborg thing!” I made a pun along the lines of “Ha, with this wound people will ask if my face is Thor.” (VERY a My Mom Joke). Then the whole lot of us rushed the field after a 32 to 31 baseball game. VERY high scoring for baseball. BUT the game only lasted 8.5 innings.

That was my dream. Really nothing but… unique in its own right.

Wife had to work today and she was SUPER bummed because (for a huge change) there was actually something going on in the county. The Playstation 4 Company holds a contest every year to see where their Truck o’ Games should go. A kid from the area won last year (for this year) with the pitch “I can systematically prove nothing goes on here, and we desperately need something.” Suffice it to say… he proved his point so hard, Playstation selected our area as the only non-Major City of this year’s tour. BUT… as excited as wife was, I was guarded. You don’t play Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, and New York… then come to Buttfuck Nowhere with the same size of event. And… as I was checking the event out… I was correct. There was a stage in front of the court house… where a guy was talking to little kids about their favorite video game characters. There was the big PS4 truck… but you had to have a token to go in and there was no “Token Station” to direct people. And there was a theater screen where people could watch two guys play the newest Street Fighter game. All in all… underwhelming. And a let down. But then… that is why this place kills my spirit. Because even if I hope for something.... it turns out to be underwhelming, a let down, and a continuing reminder that this is where good things go to die. Yes, I suppose I’m being dramatic but… after only 6 months here, I’m a husk of my former self. And I look around at the people that grew up here, have stayed here, and I look into their eyes… there are two kinds of people here. 1) The kind that have put all of their life into their children; their children are going to succeed and leave the area by hell or highwater because that is what validates the parents’ existence; or 2) the kind that had dreams of their own, but could never begin to see them take shape and gave up early.

Bah… I don’t want to think about it anymore.

So, I came in to work instead. Might as well get a few more reports finished. And… at some point tonight, I really should update my resume and send it in. It reminds me of when I was unemployed, though. I so badly want this job, but I’m so afraid of getting it AND so afraid of not getting it. I know, beyond reason, that Wife and I need to leave this place. There is no truer statement I can say. We must get out. But.. of course, I overthink and worry. If we get it… if we don’t… if I don’t get it but they call my boss and so it creates trouble… if I get it and they want me to move immediately… just… so many things.

THEN… you know how I was talking about #StopWhitePeople recently? How there is a whole movement surrounding that hashtag political statement. I went to facebook (always a bad idea) and said that some of what I’ve seen around it worries and frightens me. I didn’t say THE ENTIRE statement is scary; but what I’ve seen around it. Shit, when I see videos of black kids shouting “Kill all the white people” and when I see gangs come together to “fight the whites”… I’m going to be worried.
A very very left wing friend of a friend (with Jewish ancestry) said “Checking your privilege can be terrifying, but it is always necessary.” So someone decided to counter her point with videos of Blacks Hating Whites. Shoving white people out of the way; telling white people to “get to the back or leave”; this very violent and angry sentiment towards white people… even white people with a press pass. There is a point in the video where the organizers keep saying “Black Media to the front, White Media get to your proper place. Get in the back. If you don’t like it, go home!” So… I see that video and I see it as the pendulum swinging. White Hate Black.... a brief attempt at White And Black… pendulum swinging to Black Hate White. And it scares me that we can’t STOP the pendulum of hate. It is like racial vengeance warfare. If your grandfather killed my grandfather, so my father killed your father, you coming to kill me doesn’t SOLVE anything! And I tried to say as much. “This is what I’m afraid of. It isn’t “checking our privilege” that worries me. It is a pendulum swing where we completely skip Unity”

To which my friend of a friend said: “Unity is not the magical next step here - we need to address about a hundred years of pretty gruesome social injustice before we can address unity and equality.”

Address it. Other than saying “It happened, we’re sorry. Lets take Martin Luther King Jr.’s next step and join together against oppression of all people.” My statement: “Then the question becomes… do we address that there were mistakes made by past generations and move on… or do we literally have to pay for the mistakes of generations that preceded us? Should we accept violence or injustice against any race because of past abuses?”

But of course… and here’s the funny thing… my POC friends are saying we need to address and work together. What does my white Ultra Liberal friend of a friend say?

“‘m not necessarily talking about reparations here, but we aren’t even close to moving on yet & that’s an incredibly lazy thing to say, especially as a person with a lot of privilege as a white male. We live in a society where overt racism is still an every day occurrence. It’s not about white people moving on, that is all white people ever want to do because it is easy, & it’s not the solution! It’s certainly not fixing anything! Pacifism isn’t the solution either! Raise up your fists or get out of the way.”

There it is. Attempting to join together, fight oppression of ALL people is a lazy white male privilege concept. #StopWhitePeople is better… because instead of tackling the larger issue, we get to have a present tense vengeance target. White People = Evil; White People = Bad. And I’m supposed to feel like that is cultural progress? I’m supposed to check my privilege because “White People = Evil” worries me as a white person? This is the kind of thing that frustrates me as a person and deeply WOUNDS me as a man who seeks justice. If overt racism is occurring, we stop the racism. If people are being beaten, abused, having their rights taken from them because they are black or hispanic or gay or transgendered… we should stand up for them, demand their rights be returned and protect them… raise them up to be seen as equals. If there is a problem, we stop THE PROBLEM. And I’m told that my white privilege blinds me from seeing that as the point of #StopWhitePeople? I disagree with a tremor in my voice and a trembling lip. If White People, particularly White Men need to be stopped… then we, as a generalization… as a prejudicial concept… are considered THE PROBLEM. And if I am considered a problem due to my mere existence… if I am considered a problem despite my own personal history with the gay and disabled community… if I am considered the problem strictly because of the color of my skin and the gender I was born into.... how should that not cause me concern? How can I even consider having a child… risking bringing another White Man into this world that will be seen as a “problem” instead of a “person.” And the fact that the world repeats this mantra… that even well meaning liberal white people repeat this mantra… I am terrified for my very safety in this world. If I join a protest to raise the minimum wage… I must be stopped as a White Man? If I join a protest to guarantee maternity leave to all women… I must be stopped as a White Man?

This, friends, is why Donald Trump is succeeding in what little measure he continues to have. When you tell an entire group of people that it doesn’t matter who they are, what they’ve done, or what they believe in… when you say “YOU are the cause of the world’s pain. YOU are the reason people hurt.” Of course whites support Donald Trump. What terrifies me most? If the mantra continues… if being white, and especially being a white man, means I must at all times apologize for my existence, kowtow and defer so as not to seem oppressive, constantly attempt to make amends for things that are outside of my control...... if that is the future of the White Man… then there will be a race war. And it will be terrible. And it will be caused by a refusal to strive towards equality from all sides.

As a man that desperately misses diversity… as a man that was beaten up for being gay (even when I wasn’t)… as a man with an invisible disability… as a man with deep respect for cultural differences… if I am going to be seen as The Enemy in Perpetuity...... simply because of things I cannot control? My heart breaks for the world. Because despite my love of the great Lincoln Quote… if actions cannot speak louder than skin color… we will never be friends… we will always be enemies. And I seriously believe it doesn’t need to be that way.