I'm back in New Diary

It has been a while since my last entry. I do not have much to write about.
I don’t get out of my apartment too much I do not socialixze with anyone in
the building except for my fiancé. I read most of the time and watch tv occasionally.
Consequently I do not have much to write about.

Things have not been going very well. For one thing I get tired very easily. It takes me all morning just to get going. Then again I have been struggling with ongoing depression. Some days I am ok with it and then I have some really bad days. On the bad days I can barely do anything. except sit at my kitchen table. When I get like this I don’t even bother to get dressed or shower. I really let myself go.

I do not know why I get so depressed. Things are going good. I have a roof over my head. and food to eat. I have money for meds. I have a wonderful girlfriend/fiancé. I have phone, internet and cable. I am even able to buy enough cigars for the month. I am not wanting for anything and I have no reason to be depressed.

I don’t understand it. I went through a lot of cognitive therapy. One thing that I learned was that depression is in large extent is caused by ones thinking. Thoughts cause feelings, feelings cause actions. Thought can be positive, negative or neutral about an external event. If you are having positive thoughts you will be feeing pretty good. If you are having negative thoughts your feelings will be negative.

Knowing this I try to examine my thoughts and feelings. One thing is that I turned 65 last June. I am getting old. I am not growing old gracefully. I guess I was thinking a lot of negative thoughts about this. I was thinking that I am over the hill now and I do not have long to live. I was also thinking that I will end up in a nursing home or some kind of extended care facility. I think this was the biggest fear because I get so tired and sometimes I let myself go.

But I am not realy so sure these thoughts I’m having are causing m ydepression. I don’t know. All I know is that I have not been doing very good at all. Feel very bad. about this. I get a lot of help and I should be grateful but nothing seems to help. Shees

Well that is about it. I will try to get back here tomorrow and write another entry. I will think of something to write about.