Another curveball. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I worked 11 hours on Sunday and Monday was my only day off. I woke up and the first text I read was that Dan died. I guess he died Sunday night and his friend found him Monday morning. I guess his siblings have moved everything out of his house and the funeral in next Monday, the 29th. I had my brother’s girlfriend go over there with me on Monday to feed his cats. It was just so surreal being in his house, knowing that he had just died a few hours ago. I really haven’t let any tears fall as of yet because I know once I do, I won’t be able to stop.

I had messaged the old roommate on Monday just to let him know I still loved him and what not. We hung out yesterday. He had to drop his car off at the shop and we went to Walmart because he had to get a couple of gifts for his friends kid. It was just so good to hang out with him. His court shit is over. They knocked his charges down so he just has to pay like $800 in fines and has 60 days to do it. I am so beyond happy that he doesn’t have to worry about going back to prison and can resume life. I was completely okay with hanging out with him but then by the time I got to work, I realized I wanted more.

My emotions are running hard again because I stopped taking the Adderall on Monday because I think it’s the culprit for my right arm being fucked up. It hasn’t hurt much so I wonder if it’s because of the amphetamine or I’ve started doing exercises for bursitis. I got to work and just couldn’t get him off my mind. He said that he’s gonna try and get his own place because his sick of living with people. I don’t know how I feel about that because there’s always been a part of me that’s wanted him to come back but I know that it’s probably for the best that we don’t live together.

I am not going to take the little one this weekend because I’m pissed that I spent so much on her school supplies when my brother knows I really couldn’t afford to. He was there and made sure I spent a lot because he likes to spend other people’s money. I am just tired of feeling like I have absolutely no control at all and I am just not going to put myself in that situation anymore. Whether I’m spending for his kid or not, I am not her parent and I shouldn’t have to step in and pick up the slack because his girlfriend doesn’t work and he doesn’t want to spend much.

All of this just makes me incredibly angry when I can’t rely on anyone to help me out in anything, even taking a car to the shop. I don’t have any help here and I’m STILL expected to help everyone else. I get the stuff was for his kid but if I wouldn’t have helped, he would have had to borrow money or get another credit card. I’m still helping him in a sense, whether he sees it that way or not. I’m just going to take a break from this for awhile and get my own head right. I’ve been dealing with a lot but my brother acts like I shouldn’t give a fuck about anything other than his kid.

It really bothers me that Dan has passed away. I know that it is what he wanted because he always talked about wanting to be with his late wife and I know how bad he was suffering. I know that he really did care about me and it’s hard to find that these days. I’m hoping he’s alright now. I know that he’s in a better place and doesn’t have to worry about being alone anymore. I do plan to attend the funeral but really don’t want to go alone.

I couldn’t function well on Tuesday and wasn’t in a place to be at work. I was only there about 2 hours and told them I needed to go home. I just felt super depressed because of Dan, the old roommate, and the way I’m treated by pretty much everyone. I honestly was thinking about coming home and eating a bullet. I wanted to call the hotline but instead, I ate some junk and passed the fuck out. I knew I had to meet the old roommate yesterday at 9:30 so I got up, showered and met up with him.

Lately it just feels like everything that could go wrong has and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m sick of finally being in a halfway decent spot, and then another shitty thing has to happen. I’m also sick of never having anyone to really hang out with. I feel like I’ve just been alone in my head for way too long and I need some kind of outlet. I really wish that people would make more effort to see or hang out with me but they don’t. They really never have and sometimes it really gets to me.

My Dad’s birthday is on Monday so I’m gonna go hang out for a little bit. I really don’t want to as it’s going to be my only day off again but my Mom is going to be out of town and I know my brother isn’t going. I’m just tired of feeling like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and sometimes I just don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to handle it.

On another note, I’ve put in for a mortgage. I got an email yesterday saying it was going to be reviewed and they will be in touch. This is something I’ve always wanted but I’m not going to be too hopeful because even if I get approved, I have to make sure it’s something I can afford on my own. I know that I would be open to the idea of sharing a house with someone but just in case shit doesn’t work out, I want to know that I’m able to pay everything without help. If I get approved, I do plan to tell the old roommate and see if it would even be a consideration for him to want to try it again. All I know is if someone were to move in, I will make sure the utilities are in their name so I’m not responsible for everything.

I’ve also talked to my nurse about getting a dr note for a service animal. I’m just super lonely sometimes and I think it would be really helpful to have a pet. She said that she will let me know after she finds out. I know to have a pet here, there’s a deposit but I don’t know how much it is. I’ve never paid attention because I didn’t plan on having a pet but I may just wait and see about getting a house.

I think I’m gonna try and nap. I have a few hours before work so I’m gonna lay down and try to sleep for a bit.