Life is a lemon and I want my moneyback in My Unpredictable Life ...

This parenting gig blows. Seriously, it blows big time.

PRO'S OF PARENTING:

• teaching your child valuable life lesson's

CON'S OF PARENTING:

• teaching your child valuable life lesson's

With everything that I have been dealing with at work, my main priority at home is to teach The Child that it is okay to stand up for yourself; it is okay to respect yourself; it is okay to speak up if you feel there is wrong being done. That it is NOT okay to be a door mat; it is not okay to let people take advantage of you; it is not okay to be treated in a disrespectful manner. I've been trying to set a positive example when talking about my work issues at home. Luckily, at 12+ years of age, she gets the idea of what I am trying to teach her and if she is confused, she'll ask me a question and we'll turn it into a school discussion that she can relate to. She understands, and realizes, that what I am dealing with at work is a form of bullying. Bless her heart she wants to go running into the hotel, both guns blazing, and defend her Mama lol. So we've had to discuss that although it is a good thing to help other's out in their time of need, we also have to let them work it out on their own, that they need to fight the battle for themselves, otherwise, their victory won't be their own. I kinda used her learning to tie her shoes as an example for that one: sure it was nice having me tie her shoes for her, but once she learned how to do it herself, she was proud of herself, she felt she had accomplished a lot by doing it herself, she felt like a stronger, more grown up kid because she had done it herself.

My mother thinks Social Services needs to step in because I'm "discussing things with a child that no child needs to know". Ugh. Get out of my face. Or as in my case, hang up the damn phone. My having/not having a job affects her just as much as it does me. It's not as if I discuss it with The Child as if she were an adult or my BFF or anything like that. She only knows that I am being treated unfairly, that I am NOT able to spend time with her or her & Hubby as a family on the weekends, and that money is still tight and we still can't afford to do all the things we've discussed in the past, even if I had the time off to do them. Go home Jo Ann.

These are all PRO'S to parenting.

I'll get to the CON'S in a minute.

So I came home from work yesterday morning not being able to decide if I wanted to fume or cry so I had a little bit of both going on. Tami had decided that morning to take her son to school before coming in to work. Any other school morning he comes to the hotel with her till it is time to leave to take him. Maybe because it was the 1st day back from Christmas break she felt she needed to take her sophomore son to school like a good little Mommy does? Or was it because she didn't want to face me? Any other morning she is at the hotel 15 - 30 minutes before my shift ends. I was tempted to tell Joleen that I wasn't coming back but decided I wanted to see Tami's face when I broke that little bit of news.

So I get home and Hubby asked what had happened so I told him (wrote about it in my previous entry). He immediately flipped his switch and said I was not to step back into that hotel ever again, that I had been mistreated by them for the last time. He then told me that I needed to wait till 9pm on Saturday night to call them and tell them I quit, giving them only 2 hours to scramble to get my shift covered that night and from then on. His exact words, "Fuck them! Let them see what it feels like to be screwed up the ass without a kiss!" At this point my mentality is right there with his.

After The Child is off to school and Hubby is off to work, I go for a walk in negative degree weather hoping to wear off some of my adrenaline. I come back home, frozen, thaw out, and call the Lady from the other hotel to see about rescheduling the interview I was supposed to have with her last Monday. She wasn't in at the time so I left my name & number. No call back. At all. I gave up waiting around 10 & took the house phone to bed with me so that I could wake up to answer it if she called me back. I knew I needed to get some sleep and would be useless if I didn't. Nope. Mind was not having any of that. I tossed and I turned. In the end, I ended up with about 3 hours of sleep, total in the 5 hours I laid in bed. And not all at one time.

Last night after dinner, I kept dozing off in my chaise, which was fine since I was so sleep deprived. When Hubby & The Child went to bed at 9, I joined them. And then I tossed. And I turned. At 12:30 I was ready to punch a wall I was so mad. I finally stopped looking at the clock. I finally managed to fall asleep but I could never stay asleep. I kept waking up for no reason. At 7 I was not fit company to be around.

The Child woke up congested and was a bear. She wanted "me" to take her to school. I couldn't see straight I was so damn tired. But I took her. And I came home and crawled right back in the bed (7:45). I gave up on sleeping ever again in this life at 9:30. I decided to try the Lady from the other hotel again. Only to have to leave a message again. Seriously? How hard is it to return a phone call? Not earning brownie points with me and making me want to work for you if you can't do something that simple, ya know?!

10 minutes later the phone rings. Dentist office confirming The Child's dental appointment tomorrow afternoon. sigh Twenty minutes later the phone rings again. Wrong number. sigh Fifteen minutes later the phone rings again. Hubby's workman's comp looking for him. I gave the guy his cell phone number and ended the call and proceeded to bang the phone on the counter top a few times. sigh Seriously? My house phone had just rang more times in 1 hour than it had in the past month. I told you People that The Power's That Be love to play with me.

Twenty minutes later Hubby sends me a text letting me know he has to drive 3 hours away tomorrow to get a second opinion about his thumb. As I am replying with "Ok", the house phone rings, again. I answer it. It is finally the Lady returning my call.

In a nutshell, she has been given a "hiring freeze" by upper management and is not able to hire me until business picks back up. Which, since our hotel has only been running 6 to 10 occupied rooms per night for the past few weeks, it is understandable. She promised that as soon as she gets the green light in a few weeks to hire again, she will be calling me because, "Going over your application, you are definitely a person we would love to have working for us."

So God worked it out yesterday that Tami didn't come in so I could quit on the spot because He knew I wanted another job to fall back on first. He worked it out that I was going to wait till Saturday to call and quit, therefore not doing it before I had talked to the Lady from the other hotel.

After I hung up with her, I proceeded to cry my eyes out.

And now I reach the CON part of parenting ... teaching my child how to swallow the bitter, foul tasting pill better known as pride.

Because after sitting down and adding up Hubby's pay and subtracting our bills, we are left with $500 a month. Which doesn't sound bad. But we have to take out gas for both vehicles out of that $500 and then we have to take out groceries out of that $500. And then we are left with nothing, if we don't go negative from the groceries. We only fill our vehicles up once a month since the whole town is only a 5 mile radius. So that helps tremendously! But what if one of us gets sick? Where do I find the extra money to pay that Dr. visit? We wouldn't be able to rent A movie much less 2 or 3 movies. No going out to eat. Nothing.

So no, I'm not going to quit my job, without having another to fall back on, and risk putting us in a financial bind. I won't do it. Even if it means I have to sacrifice my pride.

So I finally dried my tears, went outside and had a much needed cigarette. I came back in, grabbed the house phone and called work. Of course Joleen answers and is all, "Hi! How are you? We miss you. Blah blah blah." I can be just as fake/two-faced as the rest of them. After a few minutes of friendly chit-chat I ask to speak to Tami, who of course is not there. Imagine that! So I tell Joleen why I am calling and she assures me that she will give Tami the message and have her call me back as soon as she gets in.

The message: "I just happened to look at my copy of the schedule I made and it just dawned on me that I only have 2 days this week. So I was wondering if I can work Friday night so that I don't end up with only 5 days (out of 14) on my paycheck."

Tami was supposed to call me on my cell phone. She called the house phone. Of course I had told Joleen that I wouldn't be home. Anyway, Tami left a message for me to call her back on her cell phone, not the hotel phone. And that I would be working Friday night but that was not all she wanted to talk to me about. sigh

It was 3 hours later when I got home & saw the message light blinking so I called her. She apologized for the "over sight", she did not mean for that to happen, that she knew she had promised me Saturday morning that she would not cut me to 2 days a week, and she was terribly sorry for not paying attention when she filled the calendar out. coughbullshitcough She then appologized if I was having to cancel any plans I had already made for Friday night. 1) It's Friday night. The Child has karate practice. Hubby is too tired to do anything after a long week of working. We don't make plans, ever, for Friday night. 2) It's Middle of Nowhere Mid-West City. There's nothing to do in this po-dunk town on a Friday night. The closest city is 52 miles away. All of which I told her. She came back with, "Well you could go to dinner at the Casino." No, we can't. 1) No one under 18 yrs. old is allowed, to include the dining area, in the Casino. 2) I'm not about to make my child sit home by herself while Hubby & I go out to eat. Ain't gonna happen. Which again, is all that I told her. I shit you not, she had the AUDACITY to say, "Bring her to me. I'll watch her so you guys can have a date night. I'd love to have her here. We can chill watching tv or a movie or whatever she wants. I can order pizza for us. Her and I would have a great time! And I'm sure she would love to play with the dogs." (The Child loves dogs and Tami has 2 great danes, which The Child would be in Heaven over) Seriously? What effin' alternate universe would I be living in to allow her to watch MY child after the way she has treated me? I'm a lot of things, ding bat for one, mentally slow for another, down right bat shit crazy at times also. But I am not delusional. I happen to love my child thank you very much. So no, I won't be calling on you to watch my child for me. Hubby & I will go without first.

So here I am, working my first Friday night off in forever so that I have 6 days on my paycheck. But hey, I'm working and will have 6 days and that is all that is important. And she never did tell me what else it was that she wanted to talk about. Guess it wasn't important.

After I talked to Tami, The Child had a lot of questions for me. I tried to be as honest with her as I could. I explained that sometimes, as adults, we have to do things we aren't happy about. Like how she doesn't like having to clean her room but I make her do it anyway. I explained that because we need the money, I was going to tough it out for a little bit longer until the other hotel called or another opportunity came my way. And because I had God on my side, that all would be okay. I might come home angry, or I might be sad at times, but as long as I had her and her Dad, I would be okay and survive it. She still thought I should quit. So I had to tell her, in terms that she would understand, that if I quit, she would have to give up karate for the time being. (We pay $225 a month for her karate) She just stood there and blinked. But I quickly kissed her and told her that I would not allow that to happen, that she was worth me being bullied at work, and I would do everything in my power to make sure she never had to give up karate. She seemed relieved but upset all at the same time. I also told her that I would not allow her to give it up either. SHE is worth the sacrifice of dealing with them for just a little bit longer. And that is the Gods honest truth.

So I sit here, drowning in my sorrows. It sucks so bad to know that I am willingly allowing these people to keep on treating me in this manner. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never allow myself to be abused again. And yet here I am. All for the sake of my daughter, my family. I feel like I have sold my dignity to the Devil.

But I know God has great things in store for me. One day I will be free of them. It could be a matter of 2 weeks, it could be a matter of 6 weeks. Only He knows. But I do know that I am leaving that place, come hell or high water. I will continue to keep submitting applications in the meantime. This too shall pass ...

And no, Hubby is not happy with my decision to work there just a little bit longer. But he is supporting my decision, whether he likes it or not. So there is that.

While The Child was at her Girl Scout meeting, I ran to the store to gas up my car so Hubby can drive it on his 3 hour one way trip tomorrow. Work "couldn't" give him a company car to drive since it is a workman's comp issue. Anyway, I ran inside to get milk since I used the last of it cooking dinner and on my way to the register I passed the ice cream isle. My God, ice cream. I can't remember the last time I had ice cream. I decided that I needed to lift my spirits with some. But just a small thing because Holy Shit has ice cream gotten expensive!! Maybe that's why I haven't bought it in so long? Out of habit I immediately reached for Mint Chocolate Chip but was able to catch myself before I touched it. That was a memory that I did NOT need to visit on top of this crap I am dealing with. One life altering thing at a time please and thank you. It's been almost 3 months and I'm just now reaching for the phone less often than I was. My heart only aches for her just a little bit. Anyway, I grabbed something different and so far I have only ate about 1/3 of it, even though it is a small thing. But who knows when I might need it again. I'd much rather have some Moscato but ice cream is cheaper.

For my soul ...

Till next time ...