Feeling better about things. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had another alright night at work last night. I was there an hour late but I made some decent money. I need to stop and get contact wash and Visine for Contacts before work because I’m almost out. I’m still eating healthy and I’m down 3 pounds from a couple of days ago. I want to be at an even number by the end of the week. I work all weekend and I’m okay with it because my brother and his girlfriend are taking the little one camping so I won’t have to rush to get off work. I do plan to see her next weekend though and then figure out when I plan to go see my friend again in a couple of weeks.

So, I’ve done some serious soul searching about the old roommate and realize that we are better off just leaving things where they’re at and go on with our lives. I know if I were to see him, I would still be very loving and open with him but I have to just keep living my life and know that if we are meant to cross paths again, we will but I don’t stay hopeful either. I’m always going to love him and everything but it’s been 6 weeks since everything happened and I can’t stay hung up on someone that’s probably not even missing me.

I believe my biggest issue is never feeling like people love or care about me like I do them and honestly, that’s just the cruel reality of the times we live in. I know when I love, I love hard and that’s been my biggest downfall. I do have a big heart but I’ve wasted it on the wrong people.

I’m just glad that I’ve found myself again. I enjoy going to work, I can focus while I’m there, I’m getting back to working on my weight, and genuinely feel happy again. I have my good days and bad days just like everyone else but continuing on letting someone affect me while they aren’t even around is stupid. I’m not hurting anyone but myself. I’ve spent a lot of my life worrying about people who didn’t worry about me and I’m glad this time around, I’m able to pull myself out before it made me super depressed.

What’s helped is reading old text between him and I and honestly, he did nothing but prove that he didn’t want any kind of relationship with me other than a place to stay. I believe my brother’s girlfriend when she said that when him and I were hanging out and things were going too good, he would have to dip to avoid getting attached and that’s his own hang up. I don’t think it had much to do with me, but merely him scared of getting hurt. I’m always scared of that too but if you just shut out the bad, you aren’t letting any good in either.

I loved him. I loved that he was gay. I loved how hard he would make me laugh. I loved him when he actually tried to make this work. But, I didn’t love how he stopped being a team player and how awful he made me feel EVERY DAY! I know I didn’t deserve the shit he put me through and I wasn’t about to let it continue. It just sucks that shit can’t ever work out for me.

My biggest issue is I need to stop talking about him and move on. I still talk about him a great deal which isn’t helping me. If you talk about it, you still care about it. I don’t know if it’s because I still need to get things off my chest or if it’s helped me get to a good place but I don’t want to waste any more time letting anyone know this person is still living rent free in my head. I think it would be a lot better for me to not talk about him anymore. If you don’t talk about it, then you aren’t thinking about it.

I’m just looking forward to the day where none of this gets to me anymore. I know that day will come but it will come a lot sooner when I stop talking about him and just completely block the situation out of my mind. I think it’s still on my mind so much simply because I don’t have enough to occupy my mind. I’m just so glad I have a job so I’m able to keep my mind busy.

I have to leave soon so I need to get dressed, straighten my hair, put makeup on and start getting ready to go. It’s actually chilly and dark today. I’m glad because that means I won’t sweat my ass off all night.

More later.