A Few Weeks Of Promises And Attempts Failed in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

Life is always boring and mundane when I think to come here and write…or consider writing. At work my mind is a swirl of things I want to talk about. Then I think of here and…like hitting a self imposed brick wall.

The job is…monotonous at best, running the same programs for different size of parts. In truth…not exciting at all most times. It is a pain in the ass to get through school and making, “a new and exciting career,” or whatever bullshit line gets spouted. Then you get into the field and realize that a job is still a job. You work with people you don’t like who are dead set in their ways. Whereas in some places I’ve worked swift action is taken for laziness…here…and so far in the second machine shop I’ve worked…you have to play clean up. Not so much with a mop and broom but getting things fully checked, making sure nothing is broken tool wise, and backtracking into the programs where a mistake is made. I get human error but when a person has screwed up so many times and is now put on my machine during dayshift because the super is too much a coward to fire someone…

I seriously feel like I’m at Parker again. Having to run behind another person who doesn’t care. Tools broken. Parts out of tolerance. Or worse a job I set up at the end of the shift to only come in and find it all taken down and something else set up. OK, fine, I’ll say it. The job fucking sucks most days. I don’t want to admit that. I want to think I have made some sort of better choice for myself but people are still people.

Maybe I was that naïve enough to figure things would be better.

No wonder…

I managed to track down my old counselor through a few internet searches. She is working at a place you have to be referred to but when I told the receptionist I’m a former client from her previous job she perked up and said she’d have to ask.

Tuesday. 10:00 AM.

Day one of my New Year reso-lie-tion I ended up drinking. I was forced to be around my middle brother. He isn’t a pleasant person to be around and our past is…tumultuous at best. He was horrible to me when I was growing up. Yes, he’s still a huge prick. After being in the room just a mere ten minutes with him I had to get up and leave the room. We were having finger foods to ring in the New Year and had I been told he would have been there I wouldn’t have left my room. Instead I got a surprise. I crawled around inside my head the rest of the night and caved to my own insults and weakness. I stayed that way for a few weeks trying to outrun my own sadness.

Fear. Fear of the cravings. The insanity that makes an addict an addict. That mental horror movie when the addiction reared it’s head. I was already a year and a half sober July 4th, 2015 and because I consider holidays triggers that afternoon into that night I was white knuckling it. Luckily I had a friend over. I hate that.

Part of the reason I quit going to AA is they actually started guilting me into when a craving hit. “Oh that’s just your brain creating an excuse to drink.” I get where they are coming from but writing it off as such an insignificant thing when it can really drag you down to the depths of inner hell…it started pissing me off SO bad. There are only two people that I know of who seem to understand what I say. John Cheese from Cracked.com who once said in an article, “you’ll still have craving’s like it is day one all over again,” and former late night tv host Craig Ferguson who said, “You’ve done your 28 days. You now have a lifetime of vigilance. I’m 15 years sober and just the other day I found out Guiness has 150 calories and instantly I think that maybe I should go on a diet. Clearly that’s insane!”

Anyways, it is late, I’m tired.

Thankfully I’m off work. Chris Titus is doing a gig at the new StandUpLive club that just recently opened. Good, I need the distraction.