Friday Play By Play in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I woke up at 6 am this morning; but instead of going back to sleep, I figured… what the hell. Watched some news… decent. It is strange how I don’t realize how little television I watch these days. Really the only actual TV I watch is when Wife is home watching television. Otherwise, I’m doing video games or working on the computer. So… I watched the news. Weather, Awful Election, Americans in the Olympics… all the news fit to repeat for 150 minutes, apparently. And I have to say… Phelps, Biles, Manuel… they have been good games. I am incredibly proud of our athletes… and most importantly, that these Olympics (for the Americans) have been dominated by a celebration of Person and Diversity. The first female black gold medal swimmer for our country… and she gives credit to those who came before and will come after. One of the best gymnasts in history (many are saying)… and she is as proud of her team as they are of her. A team of black, white, Jew, Hispanic. Our Olympic team is made up of Atheists, Buddhists, Christians, Muslims… foster children, poor children, privileged children. Our diversity is certainly a strength… and I hope, desperately hope, that the United States populace sees that… appreciates that… accepts that. Because while many other countries are displaying considerably less diversity… and losing… the United States towers in the medal field. Even in places where athletes from the same team are forced to compete against one another… take gymnastics, for example. The United States had the three best qualifying scores in the world… but could only send two people. The team didn’t crumble; the team didn’t fall into in-fighting and venom. It is the middle of August in the United States. In 87 days, the country will elect a new President. In some ways, it is the most contentious election cycle I have ever witnessed. But it is my fondest hope that our country can be inspired by these Olympic Games. Through diversity, team work, dedication, and perseverance… our athletes have truly shown us… the strength and beauty of America is our people. And that strength is based on diversity and cooperation. A spirit of teamwork and dedication. I am proud of our athletes and dearly hope the lessons of these games stay with the American People.

Writing things like that, feeling things like that, thinking things like that… it makes me think life would be better if I could just be a politician. Run for an office, mooch off of the government corruption teat for a while, try and do my best to make just enough waves to get Education, Infrastructure, and Mental Health some attention. But I know better. I’m a political nightmare and there’s no way I could get elected to a State Representative Position in Iowa. My wife has had an abortion; I am open about sexual acceptance and gender identity issues; I agree that government should not be an unending fountain of money, but fiercely resist calls to cut most government spending; I have physical and mental health issues; it is obvious that I prefer a Large City Environment to Rural Iowa living.... I’m just not a good candidate. Even if there was a way… I don’t know if I’d have the first idea of how to do it. Because the political field is so filled with cronyism and “campaign money” issues. Bah.

Meanwhile, in my actual job… first thing this morning, instead of a reply to e-mails, Cecilia comes in and asks about a case from May. Luckily, I was able to say with full confidence, “I’ve never heard of that case. It has to be Boss’.” Which ellicited quite the audible groan from Cecilia. Apparently (no surprise at all)… the case was like this: AGgravated Misdemeanor was taken care of… the three Simple Misdemeanors that were attached to that case? Simply ignored. Professionally… that is like being a House Painter, painting the largest wall of a room and simply not painting the other 3. The woman is… just… such a mess.

Which connects to everything doesn’t it? The county has had her for so long… and the county is such “the way it is”… that yeah, instead of pouring over my papers to discover which Officer I need to harass in order to get which report they haven’t given me in an effort to get my work done before a deadline has even been assigned to me… instead? Nope. Just… nope. I’m twelve times more organized than my predecessor; fifty times more present in the office; one hundred times more willing to consider the case.... what I am telling myself (what I have to tell myself) is that I am much better than the gentleman I replaced. He may have had more experience, he may have known what he was doing… but he never came into the office… he would plea a DUI 3rd Offense down to Public Intoxication. He refused to go to trial and sat on things so long that they almost had to be dismissed as a matter of law. Meanwhile… I am trying. I am here in the office every day (most times even more than 40 hours a week), I am working the cases and saying “If you’re client doesn’t want the deal, I’m not simply going to cave at the thought of being required to do my job.”

So.... as I sit here.... reading and writing… not actively working much today… I do feel bad that I’m not putting my all in right now. I do feel like.... I should just be at home… or I should just drive to the Boss’ office right now, get whatever answers she can make up, and then go home… happy in the knowledge that whatever she says is probably the wrong answer. But… instead, I sit here. In my little office. With no windows. And no people. And put in “the hours.” Going over paperwork that is already finished, looking over things I’m going to do but not doing right now. Just… occupying space. Which isn’t a great way to go through life. Merely “occupying space”… there isn’t much difference between “occupying space” and “taking up resources.”

New Random Memory Oddity.
In High School… as can be expected from my brief history tid bits… I did a LOT of acting and a LOT of performing. My senior year… shit got upside down on me as I was in an emotionally, physically abusive relationship almost the entire year. At the end of the year, somehow, I was able to convince several of my teachers to allow me to write reports and do bits from musicals to entertain the class in the last few weeks of the final semester in an effort to bring my grades up. In an effort to find a musical with broad subject matter (thus requiring me to only memorize one musical), I selected Rent. Now, I’m not an excellent singer… but I was capable enough to do much of the first act in a solo show. All of that lead up connects to NOW because randomly… my head just started spouting: “Speeeak. Beep. That was a very loud beep. I don’t even know if this is working. Mark? Mark, are you there? Are you screening your calls? It’s mom. Just wanted to call and say we love you and we’ll miss you tomorrow. Cindy and the kids are here, send their love. Oh, I hope you like the hot plate! Just don’t leave it on, dear, when you leave the house. Oh, and Mark? We’re sorry to hear that Maurine dumped you, I say C’est La Vie. So let her be a lesbian! There are other fishies in the sea! Love Mom.”
All of that. Straight through. Five times. In my head. Randomly. Just now. All of it. I have the weirdest fucking brain.

In a way though… there is a possibly, not terribly convoluted, almost makes sense reason that may have happened........
After watching The Killing Joke (DC Animated) a few days ago, I was really excited to see the Justice League Dark announcement trailer. I really liked that Team and their adventures were one of the reasons I was SUPER unhappy that I had to stop collecting again after less than 2 years. Granted, DC current doesn’t fill me with the same hope and joy I was feeling at the New 52 Launch… but that is for another time. Anyway, Justice League Dark… awesome. Really wanted Wife to read what I had because she is a huge Neil Gaiman fan and enjoys Constantine… so I figured… JLD! Got ‘em all out… then watched the Cracked.com Video Reacting to Suicide Squad. Good to know that those people tend to think as I do. As Enchantress is “the big bad” in Suicide Squad… and “the big bad” that kicked off JLD, I really wanted the Wife to take a look. Especially comparing Mikel Janín’s Enchantress artwork (both insane and sane) versus the Movie Costume… which… uhmm....
INSANE

SANE

MOVIE

Though… not surprisingly, Wife didn’t really care. She’s… really super like that these days. I get that where we live SUCKS for her (again) but… she gets infinitely more human interaction each day then I do (as she works at Wal Mart). And I know spouses don’t need to share all of their hobbies together… but Comic Books are a pretty big interest of mine… and I wish she’d be more open to it, I guess. But that isn’t the point. Have to bring this back to the main point....
With Justice League Dark already out of the box, brought downstairs, and just waiting for someone to read it… I picked it back up and started re-reading. And THAT in a weird way connects to RENT being in my head. It could conceivably be an attempt for my brain to reacquire those things that are ultimately ME. Instead of simply… disappearing into this hole of a town… my brain is saying: “You are an Anime Fan, you love Tabletop Games, you love Comic Books, you enjoy Video Games, you like the Bantam Series of Star Wars Novels.... keep thinking of the things that make you YOU, the things that you like about YOU and we’ll try to get through this isolated, non-geek, non-life town.”

The rest of my day was… basically nothing. Catching reports as they came in, reading them, filing them. A phone call would come in, I could sound impressive by knowing which case they were calling about because I actually remember names if I’ve seen them written down. But that was it. Oh… except this. A few more criminal issues (of course meth and alcohol related) and several mental health issues (suicide and drug-induced psychosis)… or at least that is how the applications to file were written. So… yeah! Welcome to my county… you’re either on drugs, raising kids, suicidal or a combination thereof.

Iowa; Officially The 2nd Worst State In The Nation For Mental Health.
And now it is 4:00. I just read a philosophy article about a cartoon show. And it makes me think WHAT THE HELL?!
Not because the article sucked… it was quite good. It described the reflective and reflexive qualities of certain animated media and the teenage concepts of gender and self. And I was thinking… this is what someone does for a living? They watch television and movies and write about them? WHAT THE HELL?! How do you get that job?! Bah. This is how I wind up in situations like where I am. Because I have such… generic skills… and such… specific interests… I can write, I can speak… that’s what I have to offer the world. For some reason.... it just seems like it isn’t enough.

That constant battle my mind fights… realistic versus lack of confidence… where is the line..... that particular battle gets worse and worse. Every time I make a decision and wind up someplace worse… there goes a little bit more resolve that I just need more confidence.