Global in Your Face

I feel angry this morning, almost as though I’ve had an argument with M. Except that I haven’t. It’s just that particular kind of agitation and annoyance. Strange.

I’m having a hell of a time trying to get into the e-filing system for the New Mexico courts. This happens probably every 4 or 5 weeks, because it’s New Mexico. I’ve been attempting for well over an hour now and am throughly annoyed.

I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, so I climbed into bed and slept until after 6pm, when M woke me up. I walked Ernie, ate some pasta, did two small transcriptions, and climbed back into bed. Still wasn’t ready to get up when the alarm went off at 6:15am. But, this is my Friday, and after tonight’s transcription, I am a free bird for four whole days.

I have sucked so bad at my job with Tracy lately. Or, I have sucked in recent times. I am finding mistakes that I made several weeks ago, and with each discovery, I feel more and more disappointed with myself. I felt like I had everything fine, on point. Definitely did not. Annoying, but not really surprising. I am not a good employee.

M was tossing around a variety of activities for this weekend. I think the haunted house is off the list (yes, another one). That leaves a movie at the retro theatre, food at the brewery, and then just this morning he mentioned a day trip to Los Alamos for something to do. And given that he likes to chew my ear off with all of these ideas, and then either do absolutely none of it, or randomly tell me that we’re leaving to go do something, I have no fucking idea what this weekend will hold. That annoys me. Like, he talked and talked and I agreed to going to see the movie at 5pm today. Leave Ernie home. I work an hour later, then we go to the movie. Except Ernie came to work with me. And M is picking me up at my normal time of 3pm. I ask what’s doing this afternoon and he responds like I am some kind of idiot that missed a vital point. Except I know I didn’t. He’s very, very similar to my father in this way. Despite all the chatter, everything important is internal and we’re just expected to be psychic, or to just shut up and go along for the ride. Today it bothers me. Most days it does not, I am easygoing enough.

The front of my skull feels like it’s shrinking. Headache time.

”Groove Is In The Heart” is not an appropriate song for this time of the morning. Too much pep. Groove is not in my heart.

Banking some checks today, but rent is due next week. Dang it.

My heat pad arrived yesterday! But it was quite warm by the time I got home, and I want to wash the cover before I use it, so I cannot report back on it just yet.

Client came in this morning, he used to live in Australia. Asked me when I’m moving back. Um, I’m not? How come, he says. Because life is fucking smooth sailing for someone like me in America. It’s extraordinarily easy for me to make more than enough money to survive and get ahead. My food and bills are incredibly low. My rent has been cheap, but is now moving into a normal range. Sure, I don’t have health insurance, but I’m also not paying huge amounts for my appointments and medications - probably about the same that I would pay out of pocket in Australia. When I was in Australia, I was earning tens of thousands of dollars more, but paying double what I pay in rent here, triple in utilities, more than double in food, and don’t get me started on fuel prices… But here it is again: why am I still having to justify myself to people? Especially to people who really don’t know me that well? I appreciate his well-intentioned question, and I appreciate his love for Australia, and the bits that he liked about it. But do I ask him why he moved back to the US? He had residency in Australia, along with his wife and kids. So why did he come back here? It’s none of my business. There might be personal reasons. I just really resent feeling like I need to have a solid list of pros and cons as to why I moved. Fuck it. I like it here better. How about that? “Well, why? What’s so different?” Oh, piss off. Living here makes me feel like I can be successful and comfortable, with minimal effort. Living in Australia made me feel like I busted my ass for mediocrity.

Plus, you know, this is really the furthest I can get from my family and still be on the same planet.