Shit stops now. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so yesterday.....I was here at home hanging out with my brother’s girlfriend. She had stopped by and wanted to know what my plan is with their kid because I’m done with my brother. I told her that I had planned to stay in touch with her and she can be the one to bring her over and come pick her up. I do plan to take her this weekend as I’m going back across the state to see my friend next weekend. We were talking and then there was a knock at the door. We both figured it was my brother and it turned out to be the old roommate.

The old roommate has made no effort whatsoever to stay in touch unless it’s him wanting something. We argued for a little bit and then the next thing I know, he started crying, telling me that all of this has made him very suicidal because he has no control over what’s going to happen. I honestly felt so bad and just wish that I could take that day back. I definitely don’t want him to go back to prison. I did tell him that I refuse to take all the blame for this. The shit in his car was his and he seriously needs to take responsibility.

He told me that because I stopped his car insurance that he isn’t able to get a loaner because his car needs to go back to the shop and they put forced insurance on it so his payments are almost double now. I gave him the insurance card I had that’s good until October. He asked me to reinstate the car insurance, which I was going to do today…

Well my brother’s girlfriend came over last night and told me that my old roommate went over and talked to my brother before he came here and I guess my brother didn’t tell her much but said there was some name calling involved and he had said something about me being psycho. I know that my brother will never leak out EVERYTHING that was said due to sparing my feelings but once I heard this information, I am not going to put him back on my insurance. I was going to because it was the only thing I could ever count on him paying but now that he doesn’t live with me anymore and obviously still blames me for everything, I have decided against it.

He has shown he doesn’t care about me or what any of this has done to my life and what I’ve gone through. I don’t hear from him unless it’s about me paying his bills or helping him in some kind of way. This person has done nothing but take advantage of me and play off my emotions. I refuse to have any more ties with him and I honestly believe that it would be a lot better for me if he just left me alone. I need to heal from this and move on. I can’t do that as long as I’m still helping him financially. No one helps me pay my bills or look out for me and if I don’t, I’m going to end up in a really bad spot.

I’m always going to love him and care for him but this is a really unhealthy situation and it’s time that I break away from it for good. It’s never going to be the situation I want and I have to accept that now. He’s gone behind my back to my friends and family, he’s brought illegal things into my home, he’s used me and cost me a shit load of money and it has to stop. I seriously can’t do this anymore.

I truly wish him the best of luck and hope he can get everything figured out but it’s not my job to make it all happen for him. It’s okay to love and care about someone without helping. I just can’t anymore. I work super hard for my money and I’m not going to let anyone put me down where I will struggle to get back out of it. I put my new number into his phone and I’m sure I’ll hear from him about the car insurance and I’m going to tell him I’m not reinstating it and he has no one to blame but himself.

I need to spend some serious time figuring myself out and why the fuck it’s so hard for me to tell people no and not allow myself into situations where I just get used and my name drug through the fucking mud. I am just so tired of always being the bad regardless of what other people do to me and how I’m never supposed to get upset, even when my feelings get hurt.

It sucks but I have a lot of hurt inside of me and I need to find healthy ways to let go of it. I carry around so much hurt and anger and I need to realize there’s nothing I can do to change the past and I need to live for today. Even with my old roommate, I can’t change what’s happened and I refuse to allow my love for him or guilt destroy me or my bank account. Everyone is completely against me helping him any further and for awhile I felt that they just didn’t understand my love for him but I know that it would be in MY best interest to just back off and let him figure shit out for himself.

It’s just so hard to understand how people can be so heartless and don’t give any fucks about others and then you have people like me that care way too much. I need to find a happy medium with this shit.

Anyways, I need to get dressed and get ready to go. I have some stuff to do before work.