Long ass weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

I worked 10 to 7:30 on Saturday and then went to my parents until about 1:30 am. I got up at 6:45 and made the 2 hour commute to see my friend that’s been locked up for 5 years. She was absolutely stunned to see me. She came through the door and had the cutest shit eatin grin on her face and we didn’t shut up for the 3 hours we got. I am so glad I got to see her but at the end, my tears fell like rain and it was so hard knowing she wasn’t going to get in the car and come home with me. She kept telling me at the end that she’s okay and for me to tell everyone that. She said that she can’t believe it’s been 5 years already, that for her it’s only felt like a couple of months. I’m happy to know she’s not hard timing it and she has plans for when she gets out. She’s going to be paroled to her Gramma’s house which is 10 minutes from me and will be getting her kids back.

I stopped and saw the grandparents on the way home. My Grandma and my Uncle were fun as usual and then I went over and saw My Grampa. It was the first time we had ever visited just us and he had me laughing super hard. I’m planning a trip back in a couple of weeks and plan to keep this a regular thing, weather permitting. It was so nice to see all of these people I love and care about. It was such an incredible day and it was nice because I haven’t had a really good day in so long so I am really grateful for that.

I got a flat tire the other night while working and my brother of course not only wouldn’t help me out but managed to piss me off to the point of me changing my number and completely cutting ties. I am completely over him using his child to control every aspect of my life and it was time to let it go. I will miss the little one but I need to do what’s best for me, at least for awhile. I have to live for me now, not just be there to help them pay bills and be the free Saturday night keeper of their child so they can go do whatever.

I have been used a lot and I have to accept that I’ve allowed it but I am done. There’s only about 15 people that have my number and they’ve been instructed to not give it to a soul, no matter how much they beg for it. I need time to go see people I care about and have my freedom. I’ve just gotten so tired of feeling trapped and tied down because of my brother and I’m just not going to live like that anymore. It’s just been exhausting to work all day Saturday and then have her overnight and all day Sunday and I’m not allowed to have anyone around her or do anything I enjoy because there’s so many restrictions. I haven’t seen my best friend in 5 years and my brother is part of the reason. He’s just hellbent that I’m going to have his daughter EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND and that’s not okay with me.

The old roommate was texting me the other night hinting around for me to give him a car because he can’t afford the payments for his and it’s falling apart. Then, my brother decides to text me trying to get money for daycare. All the while I’m at work and it made me super fucking depressed. I’ve been thinking about changing my number for awhile and I always think it’s easier to completely shut down before I fucking break. I’m sorry that I’ve ever helped any of these people because none of them give any kind of a fuck about me or if I need any kind of help but want to me continue helping them?!!

I honestly just want to be alone so that I can figure me out. I need time to understand why it’s so hard for me to tell people no and not always put them in their fucking place when they need it. I know I’m very vocal and can tell people off like no other but if I constantly had this bitch attitude, things would be completely different now. My brother has done nothing but treat me like a fucking robot slave but even when I’m a complete fucking bitch, he still tries to do it!! I told him the other night that I was changing my number and cutting ties. I’m done being told what to do and how to live my life when I am grown, pay all my own bills, and don’t get any help from anyone!!!

I was absolutely exhausted today but I had to get up, shower, and go pay to get a new tire on the car. I sent my friend a letter with a money order so she can get some stuff that she needs. I did it for her because I know if I was the one locked up, she would do it for me. This girl has always been my ride or die. We’ve been friends for 19 years now and I told her we gotta make up for lost time. She looks good, she’s definitely gained some weight but she’s still thinner than I am. I’m so glad I went and can’t wait to go back.

The old roommate is still on my mind a lot. More than he should be but I still miss him so much it hurts. My soul aches. I wish more than anything things could have turned out so much better. I told my friend about it and she said that he needs to own up to his mistakes and not blame me for him getting busted with shit. I told her everything that happened and she said that I need to let him know that she’s not afraid of ending up back in prison and she’ll kill him if he fucks with me. She’s like, “you know how I am, I’ll fucking kill for the people I love” and yes, I do know this. I wouldn’t let her though.

I just don’t understand why I love and care so much about people that do nothing but hurt me. My old roommate is the prime fucking example of this. All I wanted was to love him, have a companion, and get to know him. I just wanted him to let me into his world. I do believe I was too attached. I can’t ever let that happen again. Even if I do really like people and shit, I’m never going to let them know that because if they don’t feel the same way, I get hurt.

Ugh, I’m just super tired and can’t wait to go to bed. I’m scared I’m going to be this tired tomorrow and I have to work. I’m hoping it’s going to be super busy because I need to put some money back in the bank account to offset the money I spent driving 400 miles yesterday and having to buy a new tired today. I hope it’s going to be a good week at work because I also have to save for the concert I’m going to in about a week and a half.

Mentally and emotionally I am getting stronger after the whole roommate thing but then there’s other times where I’ll be at work and have even one thought and it makes me wonder how I’m able to function. I wonder how I’ve survived my whole life without having a successful suicide attempt. I am honestly fearful that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I seriously don’t want to live by myself forever but it’s really hard to find normal, sane people that actually want to be a team player that has good intentions.

I know that I’m a good person and don’t deserve what people have done to me but that doesn’t stop them either. I always have good intentions with everyone and that’s probably why I get hurt. I don’t know.

My bff that’s locked up apologized for leaving me. She said how sorry she was because she knows that she’s a big part of my life and I definitely needed to hear that. I was so angry for a long time because she wasn’t here because she’s the only one that’s ever truly understood me, inside and out. She’s a very important piece of me and I just can’t wait for her to be out so we can hang out and get to know each other all over again. When the visit was over, she hugged me oh so tight and that was so special to me because neither her and I are huggers at all and not only did she hug me tight once but then a second time. It truly meant a lot. I cried a lot on the drive back because I have missed her so much and I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. She has a little more than a year left and I just know it’s gonna go super fast and then she’ll be back :)

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down because my back is hurting me sitting up on my bed but I’m going to try and find time to write before I go to stupid work.