The Fear. in Your Face

I have an irrational fear of this weekend.

The first weekend without M was awful, but I let myself wallow to try and get over my misery (also irrational). I drove my car around, I went and gambled (which we've gone over), I cried and watched movies.

The weekend after that I had to bury myself in textbooks to write three essays. I handed those in on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

This weekend .... I have nothing. No plans, nowhere to be, and no money. I think I am afraid of being lonely, and being bored, and having nothing to distract myself with. I have options, I set out a few in my last entry, but I am still just feeling worried. I want Monday to come around so I can blow through the next week.

Hopefully when Saturday dawns and I realise it's not the end of the world I can recover some sanity.

I was fretting over money. My friend at work who has been existing on celery and cherry tomatoes before her wedding dress fitting this weekend wants to go out for lunch on Monday and Tuesday. I want to go, so I have put aside money for that. I can skip dinner those nights, because I know I won't be hungry. I had a little bit of money for fuel in my car. Enough for another pack of cigarettes (just quit already!) and enough scratch to get me groceries and stuff. But it was tight. I sent all my money to M and bought my plane tickets for next week, and that didn't leave much.

So I had $5 left from my daily budget and thought I would get a Slurpee. Drove to a 7-11 sort of near my house, and walked through the car park. Two women walked in front of me, and I followed them. I found $20 on the ground, just sitting there all folded up. They must not have seen it because they were chatting, but I am a dope who wanders around with her eyes on the ground, and there it was. Just amazing. I tucked it into my wallet and wandered into the store. The Slurpee machines all looked melty, except for the pineapple. No thanks. So, I walked out of there still with my $3.60 for the jumbo Slurpee (although no Slurpee) and $20 richer. Very pleasing.

Now I am at home, finally in pyjamas. M has the shits with me. I was asking him about what he has to pay when he gets a new phone plan, and he got irritated with me and went to bed. He thinks I act stupid about things sometimes, and maybe I do, but I was genuinely asking the questions. It makes me cranky when he gets like that. I feel like he has high expectations that everyone thinks like he does, and does what he does. He gets extremely frustrated when that doesn't happen, which makes me extremely frustrated because I think he is being unrealistic. But anyway ...

So I need to hibernate this weekend. Watch movies, knit, study. I have enough food here tomorrow, I will probably run out on Sunday to get something to eat.

Weight remains stagnant. I went tantalisingly low last week (60.3kg or 132.66lbs) and did want to sneak into the 50's, but I have bounced back up to 61.5 or 62.5. Perhaps once I start some light exercise, which I have pencilled in with a friend for 3 weeks time. If I am so inclined, I will go walking this weekend, but I am predicting some sluggish, slightly depressed behaviour from myself.