My Foolish Pride in meh...

I started writing this the other day and then something wonky happened and messed up and it was gone.

But. Here I am.

My pride. Nothing to be proud of. Keeps me from getting help though.

See, it’s like this-
I need help, but I don’t ask for help because I feel as if I have something to prove to the nobody that’s watching.

Conditioning. It’s all about conditioning.

See, my family talks about me rather bad. They offer no solutions, only you should haves or why didn’t you do’s. Very judgmental lot. Not all of them, but most of them. The ones that shaped me into who I am.

It was once said that if I got put out or bounced out on my ass I would be okay. I’d probably be a hooker, dead or strung out. When I got help, shit was thrown back in my face. Not occasionally, EVERYTIME. So, I made a vow that if at all possible I won’t ask them for a thing.

To ask means to be questioned. To ask means my thoughts and ideas would be picked apart. To ask means opening my world to those who think nothing of me anyway. To ask means I become fodder for gossip.

So yes I need help, but no, I won’t ask for it. I’ve resigned myself to the thought that I will go without something I may need until I can get it under my own steam because I don’t need the hassle.

But my foolish pride keeps me from even having something as simple as a car ride home.

Like I ran into a co-worker recently at the store. I was on the bus and we talked for a moment. for some reason I spilled the beans about my transmission. Thing is, I don’t like to seem like I’m without because in my eyes EVERYONE else has everything and I have nothing. So it’s not like I DON’T have a car, it’s just not working. Which translates roughly into I don’t have a car. I don’t like the pity even if it isn’t pity. I hate being helpless. So I told her it was okay. Didn’t need a ride, but the bus was late (or either I missed it) and she stopped and gave me a ride anyway.

Stupid shit like that.

If I’m hungry and someone offers me something, I don’t want to look like, “Hey let’s offer the fat girl something; she won’t turn it down.” I am not the new Mikey who likes everything. I only accept from those I consider friends. If I’m out with friends and they have stuff on their plate I decline because how did I become the designated clean up person?

Anyway…

My foolish pride keeps me from doing a lot of things just to save face that I shouldn’t care about saving. These issues don’t exist for real, well they do, but mostly in my head.

Like I got rained on when my bus wasn’t acting right. I called in my favor for a ride like the day before. And he’s my buddy, but I think two days in a row would test the patience of our friendship.

And that’s it.
I guess I’ll try and get as close to 60000 points to get my $20 in the mail. ::smirk::

Take it easy…

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated July 19, 2016