I need to get away in A day in the life...

There’s so much going through my head; so many thoughts, so many emotions. Right now the two emotions I’m feeling the most are sadness and anger. I’ve been crying every day for the past several weeks. I have to make sure hubby isn’t around because he gets annoyed. “Now what’s wrong?” he’ll ask. I wish I knew! Wait, make that “I wish I could tell you, but since most of it has to do with YOU, I can’t!”

He’s been lying to me…again. His youngest daughter graduated high school at the end of May. When she graduated the state stopped taking child support out of his paycheck. He was paying just under $1,200 a month in child support. After Sera graduated he and I had a long talk. His ex wanted him to keep paying the same amount because Sera is going to college, but that’s just not possible. I haven’t worked in almost two years and we’ve really been struggling financially. We agreed that he would open a bank account in his and Sera’s name and he would give her $600 a month. We also agreed that he would not start this until Sera started college, at the end of August. This meant no money would be given to Sera or his ex during the summer and this way we would be able to save up some money and have a little breathing room. Oh, and I have to throw in that his ex makes some serious money, a lot more than hubby does, and she’s married to a man who makes even more than her. She’s not hurting for money…not at all.

Anyway, to make a long story short, he started having money deposited into his ex’s account a couple of weeks after Sera graduated, he never opened up an account in his and Sera’s name, and he’s giving the ex $800 a month. I just found out about this because the other day he pulled up his most recent pay stub on the computer here at home because he had to print it out and he left it up on the monitor so I saw it. When I asked him about it he lied. When I told him I had seen his pay stub he got defensive, like he always does when I catch him in a lie. I’m so tired of it. So tired of the lies, the sneakiness, and the being so secretive.

Take his cell phone, for example. He takes it with him EVERYWHERE! The other night we were sitting on the couch, him at one end and me at the other, and his cell phone was sitting on the middle cushion, between us. The remote control was sitting by his phone and at one point I reached over to grab the remote. When he saw my hand move and go near his phone he reached over and snatched it up real quick and set it on his leg. WTF? I leave my phone laying wherever, and I don’t care if he looks at it. I don’t have anything to hide.

And his iPad. I was looking at pictures he has on it and there are three or four pictures of a girl with red hair. They’re not pictures of a model or a famous person…these are generic pictures of some regular girl, and I have no clue who she is.

Our anniversary was at the end of June. We both posted something on FB about it and later I was looking at his iPad and there was a message from a girl named Lori, who he talks to and messages and texts A LOT! The message said “I didn’t realize you two were back together. Congrats on the anniversary.” Umm hello? When were we not together?

He also likes to “jokingly” call me crazy. He does it a lot. Damnit, I’m not crazy! At least not yet. But dealing with all this shit from him is pushing me there.

There’s so much more. I could write a fucking novel.

I’m tired, I’m sad, and I’m mad as hell…and I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to wait until I get my first payment from SSD, take the money and get the fuck out. The other part of me hates the idea of giving up.

I want to go away, by myself. I want to go somewhere where it’ll just be me and God, no one else and no outside interruptions.

I want the thoughts of hurting myself to go away. I want to stop crying.