Movie and a nap. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got some food and then watched Walk the Line, which is one of my favorite movies. I took an amazing nap and then just hung out. I didn’t really hear from anyone today, except my parents and a co-worker asking how my day was. I’m glad that I’ve gotten time for myself to recharge and just relax. It’s been super hard to relax lately and I’m really sick of never getting enough sleep and needing Adderall to get through the fucking day. I do plan to quit smoking soon, since everything has calmed down because I smoke way too much and I do worry about the affect it’s having on my health.

Every day gone by is another day that I’m still trying to make sense of everything. It’s really frustrating missing someone that probably doesn’t think about me at all. He had such an affect on me and honestly, made me a better person because I’m now a lot more open minded and he taught me that work doesn’t always have to be my top priority. Mentally, he did a lot of positive things for me but also did a lot of things that were very much detrimental to me. I know that I’ll never be the same and I know in the end, it will make me smarter and more careful about people.

I’m just so tired of seeing good in someone and they turn out to be the most fucked up, heartless people that could have ever crossed my path. He made it clear that he didn’t plan to stay in contact once he moved out and basically even said once he left it was going to be a see ya if I see ya kinda thing. I think about all of this shit and it makes me cry or just makes me super angry. I’m also super pissed at myself for making someone so important when I was nothing more than their doormat.

It’s just ridiculous how all people want to do is use and abuse when all people like me want is someone to be real. I was always begging and pleading with him to hang out with me, to get to know me, even to be around and he just wouldn’t do it. He said it’s because it’s human nature to always want more. Then I think maybe he wasn’t human if he never had a need to be around people. I think he’s got issues giving love and even getting it.

All I did wrong was love him and want him in my life and it’s caused me one helluva heartbreak. I know that his court date is in a month and there’s no way he’s coming back here afterwards. I just won’t allow myself to go back to what I know is an already shitty situation. I have to start realizing that I do have self respect and enough love for me to sign myself up to put everything back on the line for someone who doesn’t give a fuck. He spent months displaying that so I have to let it go.

I walk a fine line between what I know and what I feel every day. What I feel is still so much love for him. I would still love to try to fix things and have him come back home but it would never be a good situation for either one of us. I wanted to make memories with him and do the things he said we were going to do such as camping, fishing, BBQ’s, and do the shit we used to such as movies and shit. I know at the end of the day, I still want him in my life but I’m never going to get it.

What i know is this person used me. This person played off how much I cared about him and he fucking ran with it. He knew that he treated me like shit and no matter how I tried to communicate that to him, he wouldn’t do anything to change it. Things just progressively got worse every damn day and because I tried so much, I gave up but was still hopeful he would start making an effort but he didn’t. We would sit in complete silence. All I wanted was for him to even talk to me and I didn’t even get that.

When I was watching my movie earlier, I wanted to text him. I just had this overwhelming, nagging urge to but I know that no matter what I would have said, he wouldn’t have responded. It’s just so hard for me to completely accept this. I know I will with time for for now, it hurts. I don’t know how to alleviate my hurt and that’s what’s killing me. I just wish I had friends that could come hang out with me and help me get past this but again, I don’t have a support system.

I know I have to be strong and leave him behind but for now, I am struggling to realize this. I honestly thought this person was going to be a forever person in my life and we were always going to live together. I’d give anything just to sit down and talk to him. I’ll never get that chance but I just hope he understands this shit has completely changed me. It’s just hard when I have so many different emotions because I can’t just pick one. I should hate him for the money he’s cost me and the way he’s treated me but I still love him because he made me see life in a lot better light too.

I’m just waiting for that one thought for all of this to make sense. Right now, I’m still right in the middle. Going to watch tv now.