there's a million things i haven't done in no longer wide-eyed and full

Write a few sentences, then delete them. Listen to my mind whir and then watch my mouth as no words come out. Start, then stop. Want to do something, but then do nothing. Think about accomplishments, then lay on my bed feeling paralyzed.

That pretty much sums up the past six weeks since I graduated from college. I’ve been doing a lot of nothing. I feel like a shadow of myself. I have nothing to say, no project to work on, no conversation I’m dying to have.

I’ve sent out at least 30 job applications and I spend a lot of time reading Game of Thrones theories. I drink wine. I wish my rosacea would clear up, I wish I would lose weight and get in shape — but instead all I do is mope around my house, plagued with inaction.

My life has come to a full and screeching halt, as I knew it would. I’m back in Temecula, with no one to really hang out with besides my dog, and not much to do except feverishly apply for jobs I never hear back from.

The Kelly inside my head is someone who’s highly productive, bouncing from workouts to coffee dates to the farmers’ market (in my head I’m very healthy????) but the real Kelly is someone who sleeps late and eats a lot of ice cream. In the midst of moving back home, graduating college, I’ve stopped being myself.

I wish I could enjoy all this time off before I get an Adult Job and Certifiably Have No Free Time and use this time as an excuse to visit friends, travel, read. I don’t know what my problem is. It’s been six weeks and all I can think about is the fact I’ve wasted my entire life because I’m unemployed and back in the suburbs.

I say I want to work in PR in the hospitality and tourism industries, that I want to manage marketing for a hotel, but is that really what I want? I want to make a difference, but what kind of difference do I want to make?

What am I waiting for to start my own damn life?

I said I wanted to travel after graduation. I haven’t even renewed my passport yet. I need to get a car, but I haven’t even taken my license test yet. I said I wanted to stay in San Diego, but what’s there for me?

What am I waiting for? What do I stall for? I’m standing for nothing.

Last updated June 29, 2016