Desperate times, Dumber measures... in meh...

This is why I’m in the bind I’m in now.
I’ll be replacing two for one, but I think this is more manageable. I think.

I think.

I’m in a mad dash because I have an electric disconnection notice when I came home on Friday. I was already frustrated with the killings going on last week and thinking about my son and I came home to the disconnection notice. I sat on the couch and cried. My son tried to comfort me and I bawled like a baby.

I have until the 20th to come up with $210.

Friday I have to pay $375 to my landlords for my other half of rent plus fees which makes a total of $700. ::smh/skull bursts/screams internally::

But no agency sees what I have coming out of my check. On paper yeah, hey. I make enough money to do whatever I need to. But I don’t make enough money to save money. I’ve been on my job for 17 years, a few of those years saw budget freezes so no raise, then a raise and then a pay cut. It’s lousy. After medical, dental, taxes, I don’t bring home enough to wipe my ass on.

When I’m low like this, I think back to something I’ve done wrong. Like, have I wronged someone? Have I been evil and mean period? Have I called someone else a broke ass? Have I gotten too full of myself?? That’s just how I am. So I went to consult with the universe.

My mother says that when I was younger, people always said that I was sensitive to God’s spirit. Even now she says that I need to pray because I have “the connection.” No I don’t. I’ve often had one on one time and I’m speaking, and crying and praying and I sit in stillness and wait and I end up falling asleep. The Father doesn’t talk to me. I am the person that has a problem distinguishing signs and tests. It’s not that I’m impatient, but I don’t want to be in the dark NOR the heat. If I’m in the dark I will be in the heat because I will be evicted. Then were will I go. I don’t have anyone I can live with. When they say there’s no place like home, I got no home to go back to. My son could live with his father, but that leaves me, pushing my van to wherever I’ll be.

::shakes head violently:: I’ve got to stop thinking about that, like that.

But I can’t help it.

Ugh…I hate this.

Take care.

Sister