Yeah in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

Damn.
Between citizens being killed… officers being killed… Our World is in turmoil. Chaos. Of the worst order. Everyone is divided, few people are talking; and polar binary requirements are being misapplied to everyone. FOR police somehow means AGAINST minorities; FOR minority justice somehow means AGAINST police; FOR income equality somehow means AGAINST Capitalist Success; FOR Capitalist Success somehow means AGAINST American Citizens . And then look at the election! The approval ratings for congress are at ridiculous lows; yet incumbents still win 80% of the time. The country is, by and large, against both Presidential candidates; but we have to swallow that bitter pill with no alternatives. Seven years after the Great Recession, even British Publications are starting to write how the economic situation in America is worse than The Talking Heads are letting on. Terrorist Attacks being claimed by the Islamic State are on the rise; and their death tolls are getting pretty hard to withstand. The globe, the country… all of it is pretty fucking awful. It hurts my soul.

And then we turn to my personal world. A world already in a less than pleasant place. Last night, around 3:00 am; my wife and I were startled awake by the unmistakable noise of glass being shattered. We searched the house. Every window, every table, every inch of floor… we couldn’t find any evidence of anything broken. I checked on the cars and the detached garage… nothing. Leaving me to believe (1) we imagined it together (unlikely); (2) the noise came from outside somehow (best possible scenario); or (3) someone was IN the house and cleaned up after themselves when they broke something (an awful possibility). So… yeah. Even more “fun” for living here. I’ll admit, I’m still torn about the immediate future. SO much of me wants to pick up and move… go to DM right now, look for whatever work I might be able to obtain, and take comfort in that… even if I hate the job, I’m in the right location. But I know if I do that… it will be the end of my law career. More so, Wife is adamant that we stick it out for a full year or more here. And… it is tough, but I love her more than I hate this town. Which says a lot. Because… it is so lonely here. It is so devoid of hope… not just for me, but for every citizen I talk to. This is the County where people come when they’ve died or are preparing to die… either physically, mentally, or spiritually. But there are exceptions. A few people I’ve met here and there who want to stand against the overwhelming tide. I honestly don’t know if I want to join them. Seriously. But I have to find a way to carry on. I have to find a way to emotionally survive this place. I’m trying… the whole One Day At a Time… and Five Point Plan… and all of that. It is all a desperate attempt to try to survive this place.

I’m going back to Omaha tomorrow. A 6 hour round trip just for the opportunity to see friends for 5 hours. But it is worth it. It is desperately worth it. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like, to me anyway, to need friendly contact like this. 6 Hours roundtrip to see Omaha Friends; 4 Hours roundtrip to see DM friends; 5 Hours roundtrip to see Buchanan friends. I know this is against my 5 Point Plan and everything but right now… I just have to confess… the loneliness of all of that is just emotionally devastating.

Work today is/was… I don’t know. Interesting, I guess. I tried to finish my monthly report on Case Progress; but was interrupted too many times to get comfortably far. It is something I NEED to finish by Monday so… that means I’ll likely spend Sunday at the office. Sad Hooray for that.
Plus… fun 2 Sides to Everything bit…
I have repeatedly told my boss that I want her to help me figure out how this county does trials; how this county does jury trials, especially. She said I wouldn’t have to worry about it for a long while. Offer deals, push fines, and we won’t have to cover it any time soon.
So, I have a case. 45 year old man with 3 OWI convictions in the last 15 years. This time, he slammed his car into a stop sign in front of the police. I refuse to offer a minimum. I’m not happy in the community, but I sure as hell won’t contribute to the corruption, laziness, and apathy that have turned it into the abysmal place it has become. So I offered a mid-range deal. It isn’t a minimum, it isn’t a maximum… it is literally THE EXACT middle. Here’s the catch… if he doesn’t accept that deal; I have a jury trial on July 26th. So… one thing I’ve been outright nagging my boss about… that she, not surprisingly, has continued to ignore and push aside… may be 2 weeks away from happening.

So… yeah. I know this is exactly the kind of thing my dad had a nice long yell at me about a few weeks ago… but I need to find my happy somewhere. YES, Dad. I KNOW. I have a home; unfinished, but it has a roof and electricity and running water. I have a job; a shitty job that frustrates me constantly, but it is a paycheck. I have a wife; a mentally troubled wife with whom I often have issues, but a wife that can help me or show me love on occasion. I don’t have any massive debt; I live in a county where any and all shopping is nigh impossible, but I don’t have any massive student loan or credit card debt, no. So… yes. I know that I deserve to be yelled at for not appreciating all the ways my life is better than so many other people on this world. I get it.

But… how can you live in this world and not feel the pain? The pain from everywhere right now. It is like a tangible thing , permeating the air and infecting the globe. Terrorism, Tyranny, Violence, Hatred, Fear… and, yes. I try to turn inward for solace. I try to not feel the pain of the globe, the nation, the state, the county, the town… but then I’m simply left with my own situation. Which is 60 hours a week at a job I don’t know how to do. 20 hours (at best) with a wife who has (already) reasserted that she’d rather watch Star Trek Voyager for the 98th time than have a conversation with me. A feeling of isolation and loneliness stronger than I’ve ever felt before… even when I had no friends, I was surrounded by people… now I have no friends within 100 miles and there are no people.

My heart is heavy today.