New Dawn in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

New Goals! And with new goals, today there were some hits and misses. Some big. Some small. This will attempt to catalogue all of it so… I’ll understand should people chose to skip this. However, I do this in the hopes that I can continue to improve… and suggestions for improvement are, of course, welcome.

6AM: This morning, I woke up BEFORE my alarm went off! Did some light cardio, then listened to Motivational Speakers on YouTube while eating cereal.
7AM: Much less successful. Spent the entire hour catching up on Facebook and playing Facebook Games. Or… game. Singular. Marvel Avenger’s Alliance, to be specific. Because seriously… I need my comic book stuff.
8AM: Showered, dressed, etcetera. BTW, funny because of a previous PB conversations: the shirt I picked out for today fits in such a weird and uncomfortable way! It fits fine everywhere most of the time; but if I’m not very careful in how I sit down… the shirt quickly makes it look like my belly is going to break through the buttons. So, after I got dressed, I went to the gas station, then the post office, then I got to work.

9AM: I could have/should have been to work earlier. Something to work on as I go forward. Start my morning and… the computer isn’t working. Password Update Mandatory. Fine. Then the E-Mail wasn’t working. Password Update Mandatory. Less fine. Took twenty minutes to fix. Finally got into my e-mail and… none of my officers had replied to anything! Frustrating. For many reasons, one of which being I speak better in writing. Another of which being… official communications with my officers typically contain important case information that I would like to be able to reference at a glance. So, I was a little upset about that. The mood wasn’t positively affected by the weather by any means. Temperatures in the mid 90s with the humidity expected to be at 75% or more. Last half hour was spent catching up on Prosebox and signing a stack of documents/letters to be mailed out to debt delinquent clients.

10AM: Continued to sign things for collections and read things for personal and professional reasons. I did, however, catch myself being slightly wistful. A minor form of regret or wishful thinking. I was thinking how nice it would be if I were in an autumn setting, walking through a park and a forest, being an attentive father or at least a very active uncle. I try to tell myself that those are future plans; I can worry more about that after I deal with TODAY issues (like learning the job and getting a better job in the next year or few). But I’ll confess that I worry such things aren’t really “future plans.” That I have a suspicion those might be wishes for a future now lost to me. But that is something I probably need to fix, too.

11AM: Damn. So the whole “Get the work done” goal hasn’t exactly gone swimmingly. Not sure why. Could be the mess of my desk. Could be the long list of things I still need to do that I have no idea how to do. Could be something else. I’m not entirely sure. But I was having trouble getting myself motivated. So I ate my lunch. In this instance, lunch was a sandwich and some water. Took five minutes. lol. So, that didn’t exactly push me into the head space I was hoping for. And I started looking at my case folders and my calendar, and my stacks of paper trying to keep organized, and I started thinking, “Dammit, I wish I had ProLaw so I wouldn’t have to spend two hours a day just organizing my case load.” And… I recognize that isn’t a productive thought. It isn’t helpful to get pissy that my county hamstrings me in such a way. I just need to acknowledge the issue, breath through it, and move on. Learn this way the harder, stupider way so that the next job will feel a thousand times easier.
Attempting to push through that; I responded to some e-mails, looked through a few cases that should be finished but weren’t closed by the court, and then tried to work up the nerve to call my officers who didn’t e-mail me back. Because I needed to make contact but I don’t like calling them. Because any officer could be getting off of or getting rest for a third shift. And I don’t want to call and wake them up; they need to be rested to perform the job. Phone Call to Officer 1? Left a message. Worked out; he had gotten my messages but didn’t write back. Okay, I guess. Officer 2? Left a message. Didn’t work out so well. He hadn’t gotten my e-mail; so… we’ll try to figure that one out.

NOON: Honestly though, “What do I do now?” And since my mind wasn’t sure where to go; it turned its attention strangely to the late Robin Williams. No idea why; because he died August 14th, so it isn’t marking his death. But that is where my mind went. My eyes even welled a little as I remembered his death. I shook it off and started poking at the papers on my desk. Certainly thinking, “What is the best way to organize all of this that could possibly compete with the Digital Case Management System the rest of the counties use?” And maybe it is something about the noon hour itself but… as I tried to think of that, another thought took over. The thought, “I don’t want to be here. I’d rather be at home doing just about anything else.” But that is an awful thought for me. Because for two years while I was looking for work… just being stuck at home was awful; I hated it. To think of it as a positive alternative to what I am doing is… unfortunate.

1PM: Decided I needed to get out of the office. It may be hot and humid as a MOTHER out there, but I was hoping that stretching my legs and changing my surroundings, even if only briefly, could help. Walked to the sheriff’s office, dropped off some information, walked back. And… yeah. It is horrendously hot outside today! I’d handle the 93, 95 temperature just fine if it weren’t for the humidity. THAT’s what’ll drive you crazy. The rest of the hour was spent in an preliminary attempt to organize my crime folders. Trying to figure out what I have to do; what I know how to do; and when things have to be done.

2PM: The desk was beginning to feel a little overwhelming, so I went to cracked and read THIS cracked.com article about stress. There are a lot of things I could write about or in response to that article; but I’m trying to learn focus. Yeah, I’d love to have a job where I read things and respond to them. Technically, that is supposed to be part of the job I have. So if I ever want to GET to that part of the job (or get to a place where that IS part of the job), I need to keep pushing forward. So, I started researching for some cases. One is an OLD case, in this instance meaning, 2015… but yeah. Cases that were filed before I had even started working Omaha’s Law Library… my cases. For some reason. So, I was researching cases. Which was made all the more frustrating by the fact that my Case Law Books are out of date. (FFs, woman… if you won’t get an on-line case system, at least keep your off-line system CURRENT!)

3PM: Kept my head down, tried to stay focused on my work. Ignored the pull of stress, depression, desire for booze. Just… tried to keep pushing forward.

4PM: Trying to consider when I should leave today. Cecilia left at 4:30. Everything in me says I should stay at least long enough to fix my desk up; so if that isn’t done by 5, stay later. On the other hand, I forgot to bring my phone with me to work and I’m curious/concerned about messages I may have missed. Not that I expect any. As I worked on my desk, a sudden image leaps into the forefront of my mind. Maybe due to anxiety, maybe due to the heat… a lecherous image popped into my head. A traditional, unimaginative, “sexy secretary” image. Something like:
Odd.

5PM: Stayed a little late to keep trying to fix my organizational issues. Overheard a parenting strategy I’m not exactly thrilled with. “When a child falls down and becomes injured; we tell him ‘no blood, no tears.’ If he isn’t bleeding, he shouldn’t be crying.” That just… seems really fucked up to me. Like… there are a lot of legitimate, potentially serious injuries a child could sustain that don’t instantly manifest with blood. Just… rankles me a bit.

6PM: And as I arrived home; the nagging Time Travel thought. It started differently today. My mind flashed to Junior High School and whispered “Do you remember Drama Class? How about your first dance? Do you remember your failures?” And instantly I was starting to feel down that I couldn’t go back and fix them. Damned… invasive thoughts. Then I watched the video contained below and had a good cry. https://www.facebook.com/hypedojodotcom/videos/1612980752326996/
Still haven’t decided if I’m going to go for a run tonight or not. Other than that… that’s my day.

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So, there it is. My first day trying to (1) Get the work done; (2) Be up and at ‘em; (3) take better physical care of myself; (4) prioritize for a more rounded life; and (5) correct my mind. I know I’ve not spent my day as wisely or as best as I should have. But.. baby steps? Maybe a little forward movement every day will pay off in the aggregate?
At least I drank considerably more water today. And plan on drinking considerably less alcohol.
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On the introspective side of things… maybe it is time to really sit and figure out what profession I should be dedicating my time to. Because… I chose law, but I could have chosen Preacher, or Teacher, or Motivational Speaker and theoretically… I could still wind up as something else. World changes every day. So… what elements of myself, gifts or talents, do I most wish to make a career from?
(1) Speaking. I love it. Arguing, speechifying, conversing, all of it. I love speaking in public and whatever my job is, it needs to have some speaking components.
(2) Writing. I write constantly. I write prolifically. I write ALL the time. Even when I’m sick in bed; I still usually write something. Thus, it would be wise to consider “writing” as a “hobby I’d love to make money from.”
(3) Curiosity. I love questions. Whether philosophical or religious, legal or historical, trivial or deep… I love indulging curiosity and asking the questions that may not even have answers. And/or try to find answers to questions other people may not be willing to ask!
(4) Meaning. I want what I do to matter on a larger scale. I need to work, to do something that benefits others in some way. And I don’t want to put in my time and energy to merely help someone become .02% more wealthy; I want my time and energy to help someone become the best version of themselves or learn something.
(5) Money. Not in a shallow, greedy way. But I’m not naive. The world runs on money and the lifestyle I’d like requires financial gain and capital. I want to make sure whatever profession I am in provides enough money to support myself, my household, and have enough to protect against emergencies and/or enough to save towards retirement.

The rest of my hobbies and interests? Love ‘em; but they aren’t requirements to whatever career I do. TV, Movies, Video Games, Comic Books? My interest in psychology, human interaction, reading? Fashion, sexual expression as individual and cultural communication, art? I enjoy them and would love to spend my free time discussing them. But they aren’t so important to me that they have to be part of my career. But speaking, writing, curiosity, meaning, and money? I do need in my professional life. And I think the law has them. Granted, I’m not speaking nearly as much in this specific job as I expected. And I am still trying to figure out what kind of writing I’m supposed to do (and how I’m supposed to do it). There is meaning in this job; but that will certainly be more true when I work for a County that isn’t so f’d up. And I am getting paid fairly well considering my lack of experience and knowledge.

Of course… I am open to suggestions should any of you have recommendations that you think I’d be better suited for with those requirements.

(Of course, all of that begs a philosophical question: Is it better to boldly move forward, even if you don’t know where you’re going.... or is it better to stay in one place, even if you think you know where to go?)