I keep fucking up. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so my roommate and I haven’t spoken for 2 weeks and then yesterday before I went to work, I tried talking to him about bills and the next thing I know, I call the cops. I was upset that he wouldn’t give me my house keys. The cops came and talked to each of us separately. We talked to each other after the cops left and because I told him that I wanted him to leave, that I hated him, and that I was leaving my notice to vacate in August…he has put his 2 weeks notice in at work and was making steps towards leaving.

I NEVER WANTED HIM TO LEAVE. I honestly just start crying and am a total wreck all day. I was 45 minutes late to work and then left at 2 when I was scheduled until 7pm. I just couldn’t concentrate at work and kept bursting into tears. They were super cool about me leaving and were concerned because I’m normally happy go lucky and always smiling.

This entire thing has made me super sad, frustrated and angry. Again, I get that he has his own life but has never really made me a part of it. He said that he put in some applications when he went back home because the baby mama and kids aren’t moving back here until the end of the next school year and it’s just too expensive for him to keep going back to see them. He said that he just wants to end this on a good note and without drama.

I got off at 2pm yesterday and then went over to drunk Dan’s for awhile. I came home and he was here getting ready for work and we talked some. I start to cry because he’s just so heartless and unattached to everyone. He said that he’s had to protect himself so he doesn’t get hurt. He said that he just wants this to basically be I’ll see ya when I see ya kinda thing. Then, he leaves for work and text me to say that he’s sorry that he’s hurt me and that he’s just trying to protect himself. I get all of this but it’s still just so heartbreaking.

I have learned so much throughout this entire thing and I just need to learn that not everyone has the same heart as me and I can’t get so attached. I know that I’ll probably never stop but it kills me that I really struggle to find good healthy relationships with people. I constantly feel that people only put up with me and nobody really cares. I just want people to love me like I love them.

Everyday is so different but lately, I’ve just been really down, worse than I’ve been in a long while and I can’t handle it anymore. I really need to start counting my blessings more than my burdens and just live and let live. Easier said than done but I can’t keep doing this where I barely eat, barely sleep and continue to let other people’s behaviors get to me.

All of this has affected every part of my life and this is why I’ve stayed by myself and completely detached for so long. It’s crazy that even a gay man can break my heart just as much as a straight one. I text him back yesterday and told him how sorry I was and that I would do what I can to make this work. I told him I wanted him to stay but will understand if he goes. He said we’ll just see where the pieces fall so I’m going to just back off and see what happens.

I also have come to realize that maybe it’s best for my happiness and my sanity for him to go. I can’t keep hoping and praying for the one I live with to want to be around and hang out with me. It’s only made my loneliness intensify and I know that if he does go, I’m going to be completely devastated but it will be easier for me in the long run.

I know I’m far from perfect. I know I don’t always say and do the right thing and I’ve made so many mistakes with him already and feel like there’s nothing I could ever do to make up for it. He said I’m the one holding all the cards and I can promise that I don’t want to be anymore. That’s why I wanted him to live with me so that I’d have someone to share the load and so I wouldn’t have to make all the decisions by myself anymore.

It’s just super hard for me to keep everything in all the time and always keep a level head. I either don’t react or I overreact and/or blow everything out of proportion. There’s gotta be a way for me to stop doing this.

My brother, his girlfriend, my niece, and I went to my parents last night for fireworks and just to chill. I was even talking to her about it. I text him and said that my Mom asked about him and told him that I hope we can get back to a good place and he said, “me too” so that gave me more hope than I’ve had in awhile and made my night a little bit better.

My niece spent the night and she’s here. He’s watching tv and we are in the livingroom and she’s in my room watching a movie and watching Youtube videos on an old phone of mine that’s still hooked up to my wifi. I am so hopeful we can get back to a good place and start hanging out like we used to.

I know that I’ve been alone for a long time and when I finally find people I really like, I honestly want to be around them a lot. I know that I used to be super needy with the roommate but since we talked about it a month ago, I don’t bother him unless it’s needed. I’ve backed off a lot but he’s still never around. I told him he was heartless and he said I can thank his Mother and DOC for that. I honestly wish I could be just as heartless and not give a flying fuck about anyone but I just haven’t gotten there yet.

I’m just going to try and enjoy my day off today and tomorrow and stop letting shit get to me as much as it has or else I’m going to end up slitting my wrists. I just need to let people do their own thing and learn to appreciate the time I do get with them. It just sucks that I don’t have friends that are around much or else I’d be out and about all the time like he is.

My best friend at work got fired. I’m really sad about that too. I just feel like everyone I’ve ever cared about abandons me at some point or another. I just feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I won’t talk about why she got fired to protect her privacy but I still plan to talk to her all the time. We are still going to be best friends regardless.

Time to go hang out with little girl. I’ll write more later or tomorrow.