Shit went down. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I really hope nobody leaves any negative notes as I’m still trying to piece everything together and get things right in my own head.

Thursday morning my roommate and I get into it, bad! He had taken my cooler on Wednesday without asking and didn’t bring it back. Thursday morning I ask where it is and apparently he had left it at his friends house. It turns into one helluva shit storm, such a shit storm that he gets arrested and is now being charged with 2 felonies.

I don’t even know how I get up and function in daily life anymore with so much on my mind but it was really hard on Thursday. He’d been arrested and his car was impounded. I don’t know this until our mutual friends where halfway here and called screaming at me about it. They were super pissed. My Mom had called me and told me everything he’d been charged with and I couldn’t stop crying.

Today is Sunday. He was released on Friday. He came Friday night for some of his things but because my brother was drunk, he really wouldn’t let me talk to him. He had messaged me on Facebook and we were communicating about some stuff. He’s just really hurt and I know all of this is my fault because I got mad and blew it up into something it shouldn’t have been blown up into and now he’s looking at going back to prison.

I only had 4 hours of sleep yesterday. I couldn’t stop crying and my mind was going a thousand miles a minute. I finally had to drop 6 PM’s to make sleep happen and then I get up 4 hours later. He met me at a gas station and we went and got his car. I paid for it as now I am racked with guilt and completely hating myself for all of this.

He’s now staying at his friends house and is unsure when he plans to come back. Until this happened, I just wanted him gone and now, I want nothing more than for him to come home so we can try and figure shit out together. I honestly don’t know what i should be doing, or what the right thing is but I do know that I still want him in my life because now, he may not be around much longer.

Yesterday we got breakfast together and outside the restaurant, I broke down crying 3 different times. I told him how sorry I was for everything and I could have never imagined in a million years this shit would happen. He just said that he’s really hurt and he needs time to get his head together.

Since he’s been out, I have been able to focus a bit better at work and I have a little bit of an appetite back. I’ve been walking around in such a fog for so long and then Thursday happened so not only is it fog, but it’s also a dark cloud. I just haven’t felt happy in so long and I don’t know how to get that back. Things have gotten to me so bad that I will have music on in the car and will just completely space out and have to keep restarting the song because I wasn’t paying attention the first 5 times it played. I also have a really bad shaking in my right hand and according to Google, it’s stress induced.

I am so sorry for everything that’s happened and I’d give anything to take it all back. I never meant to hurt him like I did and I will do everything I can to make this better. I understand that he pisses me off but he doesn’t deserve to go back to prison and if he does, I will never forgive myself. I know what it’s like to be locked up and I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

Most of my friends are completely against him coming back but until yesterday, he was homeless, carless, and jobless. I know I caused most of this and I’m going to do what I can to help. He ended up getting arrested in the parking lot of his work and lost his job so he’s now looking for something else. I feel absolutely responsible because I shouldn’t have called the cops in the first place. I refuse to just let him be on his own.

I’m guessing his plan is to stay with his friend until he feels ready to come back. I originally wanted him to leave and had even changed the locks but they have since been changed back and he knows he has home here. He says he needs time to get his head wrapped around things and basically he’ll let me know when he’s ready to come home.

Everyone says it’s not my fault he got arrested and I get that but it is my fault that I made it happen. I was just so angry about him taking shit without asking AND not bringing it back. It was still no reason for me to blow shit out of proportion and call the cops. Ugh. I can’t talk about exactly what he’s being charged with but I’m just hoping they’ll drop the charges down and save him from prison. I honestly won’t be able to live with myself if he goes back. Now, he can’t even go see his kids and I feel like a fucking monster because of this. It’s just crazy how angry and words can completely fuck up someone’s life. I held too much in for too long and then completely lost my shit.

Most everyone at work knows about this shit because our mutual friends told them and that makes me super mad. I don’t know anyone thinks or says anything bad about either one of us but I’d rather nobody know until we get things figured out. I get that there just upset but it’s not everyone’s fucking business either and they went out of their way to make it their business.

I’m just not going to be okay until I know for sure he’s not going to get locked up. I don’t want that for him and I just want him to be okay and live free. Whether he pisses me off or not, he doesn’t deserve to be in jail either. I have slept about 18 hours this week and struggle to eat so I eat just enough to keep my blood sugars stable.

Ugh. Life can seriously suck so bad. I just want to be able to sleep, eat, and be completely focused at work again. I haven’t been in such a long time and I’m just afraid people are going to start to notice. I just get in my own thoughts and block everything else out.

Anyways, I’ll write more later.