Thank you!! in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve gotten about 16 notes from everyone about my roommate and I’ve gotten a lot really insightful thoughts on the subject. I agree with everything everyone has had to say. I know that something has got to change. It’s not healthy to come home and have someone here, but there’s nothing to converse about. We don’t have a good relationship whether it’s friends or it’s roommates. I know that we seriously need to figure something out. I have told him the last few days to get out and he says, “pry not” and it’s like okay well you aren’t on the lease and you can pick up and go back home that’s 5 hours away. I can’t as I have my roots here and my niece that lives 30 feet away from me.

Every time I’ve told him to leave we end up making it work, for a little while. I get that I need to see him strictly as a roommate and nothing more at this point. It really bothers me that he made so much effort in the beginning hanging out with me making me believe that we were going to be friends too but now I realize how much I’m getting used and this is why I keep everyone at a distance. All I know is if he doesn’t put money in my account for his share of rent and car insurance, I will contact the police department and see what I have to do to get him out of my house.

I do care about him and that’s why he’s still here. I know that he has no where else to go but it still doesn’t have any affect on him doing anything to make this work either. I realize that I’ve made a lot of mistakes by wanting to have a friend along with a roommate but I’ve been extremely foolish. I admit, my problem is I’ve been alone for so long that when someone comes around, I do tend to get needy and want companionship. I know that he’s gay and what not but he used to be so much fun and would make me laugh so hard I’d be physically in pain. I miss that.

Honestly, I’m angry at myself for allowing someone else’s actions to have such a big impact on me. I wish I could be one of those people who just doesn’t give a fuck and goes about my day but it really bothers me that he can make time for EVERYONE but me. I’ve been super jealous about it because I feel that I’m getting the wrong end of the deal here.

My problem was making it easy for him to treat me like an option. I made him a priority when I NEVER was one of his. EVER. I never will be. I either learn to live with this or focus on getting him out of my house. I know that there’s no way I can keep living like this. I’m fucking miserable. It all goes back to how I have absolutely no support system, I never have either. Everyone uses me and doesn’t come around unless they are going to get something out of it.

I honestly need to find a reasonably priced counselor and start getting some of my issues worked out. I fuck up relationships by being either too much of a bitch or not even of one. I’ve let myself get run over. It just goes to show that it doesn’t matter how much you do for other people, at the end of the day you are still going to find yourself alone and nothing ever changes. People tell me I deserve the same love that I give everyone else.

It’s time to adapt the fuck it attitude and just keep doing me. You can’t force someone to love you or waste their time hanging out with you. If they don’t want to be around, then they sure as fuck aren’t going to be. All I can do is just pray that someday I’ll find someone who truly enjoys my company and comes around just for that. Not because they need a ride, or a place to live, or a fucking wad of money.

Tomorrow I have to take my car to the shop and I don’t know how long it’s going to take but I don’t have anyone to give me a ride home or even come visit with me while it’s getting done so I’m honestly really upset about that too. I’m just so wore out with having no fucking help whatsoever. I hate having to take cars to the shop because I don’t have anyone who will give me a ride home. It’s just getting to the point of I want to give up.

I don’t even know how happy I am with my job anymore. I can’t figure out if I’m just reaching burn out, or I’m sick of the drama or tired of worrying I may get fired over something stupid. I can’t quit because of my social anxiety but I know I don’t want to be there forever. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I’m just not as happy as I used to be. It was great not having to work today because someone offered to cover for me but I haven’t been there in 3 days and it’s so hard to go back after a break. Once I get there, I’m fine but I just feel like my job has robbed me of so much time and I can’t get that back. So much in my life has taken a backseat because I’ve always spent so much time there and I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school and start working towards a degree so I can actually have a real career someday.

It’s like everyday there is different but very much the same as the day before. There’s so many people I work with that I truly can’t stand and it makes it hard to go there and have to be around them. I also get sick of having to worry that if I don’t get enough hours my paycheck will be nothing because I’m paid the bare minimum. That place is truly starting to drag me down. I haven’t started to feel like this until about a month ago. I don’t know if it’s just because I don’t have a life outside of work to go do fun things and get my mind off of it or what but I desperately need to do some serious soul searching.

I worked so hard to get my job back and get transferred back to the store I wanted to be at and I appreciate them letting me go back but I’m just not as happy as I used to be. It was the biggest blessing and surprise when they said I could go back and was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I fight the good fight but I just don’t know if it’s what I want anymore.

It would probably help to get out of town for awhile and just be around other adults and have some fun. I haven’t gotten to do much in years and it’s starting to affect me. I used to think I worked hard and played harder but the past year and a half I’ve put all my energy in my job because of bills and it’s starting to get to me. My roommate takes off for a week once a month and I always get super jealous because I can’t do that. I have too many bills and too many things to pay for to even consider doing that. I guess when you only have to pay $300 a month for rent and car insurance, it’s easy to take vacations quite frequently.

I just feel like I work so hard to be this poor. I’m just sick of never getting to be around other adults unless I’m at work. If I don’t have my brother’s kid, I sit here by myself. There’s never anyone to hang out with and it gets really fucking old. Everyone is either at work or tied down at home. I miss being young and always having someone to kick it with. I know the people that are around make what effort they can but I still feel so alone.

It’s time for me to sit and figure myself out. I want to have my house back to I can do that. I’ve told him that if I’m going to keep doing it all on my own, then I want to be on my own. This arrangement is not working out. I haven’t been this unhappy in a long time. I don’t get down much because I honestly never have the time to think about stuff but when I get down, I get really down and it takes awhile for me to get back up. The guy that covered for me said he wants me to see me smiling the next time he sees me. I have to make that happen. Outwardly, I have so much to be happy about. I have 2 cars, I have a decent place to live, and I get to see my beautiful niece. There’s so much to be grateful for and I need to spend more time counting my blessings than my burdens. Life is just too short to sit and worry about shit, especially the shit I have no control over.

I can’t tell if the shit with my roommate and I is just making me overthink everything else in my life but I need to just live my life and not worry about his. He obviously doesn’t care about me or my well being so I need to have that same outlook with him. I am glad that he has friends and has a way more active social life than I do but it’s really bullshit that he just can’t ever find time for me like he used to. He once said that we live together so we don’t have to hang out. When our friend came and they left in his car, that pushed me over the edge because not only were they hanging out without me, but they left in his car when I can’t even remember the last time I was in his car.

He has to know that this shit is getting to me when she came in my room and I started crying. Never once did he bother to say anything to me or even send a damn text. He’s such a heartless person. Given the situation sucks but if he started crying, you can bet your ass I would have came in his fucking room and tried to talk to him!! I can’t handle it when people are sad. It makes me feel even worse that he shows no compassion at all.

If he wouldn’t ever hung out with me in the first place, I know that I wouldn’t be taking shit this hard. He put this picture in my head that we were gonna be friends too. I miss those days when he actually tried to be a good person to me and wanted to be around me. I’d give anything to have that back.

All of this makes me question how good of a person I really am. It’s really bad when your own roommate not only doesn’t hang out with you, but avoids having to speak to you. Maybe I am a terrible person and just too hard to love or care about. I just don’t know anymore.

I’m gonna start getting ready for bed. I’ve been sitting outside on my balcony for hours now listening to music just trying to process everything. I’ve seriously cried in every phone conversation I’ve had today. I’m just exhausted emotionally. I haven’t felt this drained since my ex John. Maybe God will send me some kind of sign or miracle. I can’t do this alone. I’m sick of doing everything on my own.