Holiday family bonding, limited free time. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my brother, his girlfriend, my niece and I went to my parents last night and the night before. I really didn’t want to go yesterday, especially after having the little one all night and having to get up early with her and I got to lay in bed/watch tv/nap and just do my own thing all afternoon. Well my niece and I ride out there together again and the second we pull up, one of my parents dogs was jumping on my car and left scratches and even jumped in my car and left hair all over on Saturday when we went. God forbid I say anything because they would just get defensive and it would have ruined the whole evening.

We went yesterday and it was a full on downpour until we get out there and then none of us want to go in because they have one dog locked in my Mom’s room (he’s mean and will bite) and since they smoke in there, it stinks. I have to take my niece in to pee at some point and as soon as we get in the bathroom, she tells me that it’s ‘disgusting’ and I just have her potty quick so we can get back outside. My parents house is fucking disgusting and it’s sad when even a 5 year old says it. One of the little girls I used to babysit for was 5 at the time ended up peeing her pants because my parents house was so gross.

I’m just really stressed out that I’m going to lose my housing due to the cops coming the other day. My brother says probably not but they check police reports and I’m terrified of what could end up happening. I am hopeful that I’m just worrying for nothing because if that happens, I’m going to be in a world of shit and will have to go back to working all the time again.

My roommate and I are cordial with each other but I don’t see things ever going back to what they were. He got up this morning and gave my niece breakfast and hung out for a few and then left. I really don’t want him to leave but I know that if he does, it will probably be better for me in the long run. I am lonely and it hurts that my roommate makes no effort to hang out with me at all. Maybe I expected too much but I can promise I will never make that mistake again. I get he wants to be closer to his children so if he goes, I will understand. I still don’t know if he’s going to help pay rent or not though.

It’s also really getting old that I have to spend money/be mooched off when my family is around. I am really sick of giving my brother and his girlfriend smokes as well. I’ve always done it but then yesterday he got me some and I had to pay him back which I didn’t think was fair. I am so tired and doing for other people and no matter how much I do for them, I have to pay them for anything they do for me. Again, this is why if it wasn’t for my brother’s kid, I wouldn’t have anything to do with them at all.

I get that life is hard and money is tight but my family acts like because I don’t have children or any kind of dependents, that it’s okay for me to spend money when I’m around them. They don’t spend any kind of money on me and I am not as generous as they perceive me. I just do shit so that it doesn’t turn into an argument or awkward. I am so glad that I don’t live with any of them or have to have daily contact because I am seriously sick of the mooching.

I had my niece last night and Saturday night. Having her 2 nights in a row is way too much and I don’t plan to do that ever again. When we got back from my parents last night, my brother’s girlfriend and I were sitting outside having a drink and my niece was here in my room. It’s about 2 hours past her bedtime and she literally wouldn’t go to sleep. I made the comment that if she doesn’t go to sleep that I was going to start crying. My brother of course got to be the designated drinker and he’s really obnoxious when he’s drinking. I seriously told him to go home because he takes over the conversation and doesn’t let anyone else speak.

She finally goes to bed and then I noticed today that she had gotten into my diabetic test strips and some were out of the container they come in. Then I have this little water fountain thing and she had thrown all of the sand out of it onto the floor and all over the fountain. Seriously. She’s 5 and knows better than this. We got up about 10 this morning, gave her breakfast and she watched tv for awhile and then my brother is trying to get me to take her over there and I straight up said no as I didn’t have shoes for her so I would have had to carry her and I just can’t because my right arm is still not completely healed.

It’s not enough that I take her overnight, buy her shit, take care of her and give up my free time and then he’s asking me to bring her over?!!! Like, wow. It’s absolutely astounding how much people expect when they already don’t appreciate you or what you give up for THEIR kid!

Honestly, I am so glad the weekend is over and I get back to work tomorrow because I have been around my family way too much the past couple of days and I need to detox from it. I also decided that no matter what’s going in my personal life, I am no longer going to allow it to affect my job, sleep, or eating habits anymore. I know that I can’t do anything about it stressing me out but I need to not allow it to completely take over my sanity and well being either.

I love my roommate and want nothing but the best for him. I will be completely devastated if he doesn’t stay but I know that it will be in the best interest for both of us if he goes. I have let this shit get me down for far too long and life is just too fucking short. Things with us haven’t been good in weeks now and I have done really good at just letting things be. We are very civil when we do speak to each other but there’s still nothing mentioned about us hanging out either.

It’s just hard for me to go from being alone for so long to someone making effort and then all of a sudden it just stops. I guess I just have to take a step back and realize that he’s just not that person anymore. I know that I’ll probably never speak to him again if he leaves and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I have another roommate but I do see the mistakes I’ve made with this and just don’t want to repeat them again.

It’s super hot today and I’m glad I get to be at home. I got a 2 hour nap earlier and plan to just relax the rest of the day. I plan to buy groceries but I’m sure everywhere I’d like to go for that will be busier than fuck even though it’s a damn holiday and people should be at home with their families so I’ll just do it tomorrow night when I get off work.

I know that I have a lot of issues that I need to work out but I don’t know how to go about it doing it alone. I seriously can’t afford counseling because even if I find one that does it based on income, it’s still at least $50 a session and that adds up super fast. I’ve already spent over $200 going to a chiropractor to fix my arm. It’s just hard because I don’t feel like I have anyone to really listen to me or give the best advice. I’ve talked about my roommate to people and no one says anything bad, they are always very fair and impartial but I have a lot of issues from my past that tend to make me very un trusting and needy.

My roommate used to make me feel so special and was such a joy to be around. I honestly never wanted to hang out with anyone but him because I loved him and the way he made me feel and now, I don’t think I’ll ever get that back. I have made a lot of mistakes with him and feel like there’s just no way I could ever make it right and that kills me. I don’t want him to ever feel like I’m going to kick him out or call the cops again. I still don’t even know why I did that. It was stupid and petty. I don’t get why I have said how much I love him and could turn around and call the cops. That’s why I say, I’m a fuck up. Ugh, I just don’t know.

Anyways, I’m going to watch tv and relax now.

Last updated July 04, 2016