Day 68 in 2016

The doom is creeping in. It’s been a tough week. I’m emotional and hugely over sensitive. I’m trying to get back into roller derby but that in itself is tough, mentally and physically. It’s just a lot to process, putting yourself back out there, and also all the driving and the late nights and the physical exhaustion. Not to mention the constant self doubt.

I didn’t get offered the public health job anyway, so that dilemma didn’t really matter in the end. I felt ok about it though, I think it makes life a bit easier for now. It does mean I am back to not knowing if I’ll have a job come the end of the year but thats par for the course in academia. Don’t stay in school kids, it won’t help you!

Everyone is leaving work. It’s not a great atmosphere. Few shock departures. Could have done without that at the moment as my fragile brain is worrisome and panics about what it means for the future. Silly really, I’m sure the whole unit doesn’t hinge on one person, the future of the entire university certainly doesn’t. It’s rocked the boat though and is a bit shocking, it’s hard not to wonder about what will happen next.

I just don’t deal well with uncertainty. I want stability. I just want to know that everything will be ok. It’s the struggle with the kid thing. What if I can’t do it, what if I’m not cut out for it, what if I hate the baby for ruining my life and being a crying screaming sleep stealing ingrate? But, as with the job thing, may not be a dilemma I ever actually have to face.