Fucking Depression in After OD

Depression fucking sucks. I recall one other instance in my life when I was this bad. It was about 4 years ago. This feels even worse though. I’m pushing myself to do things because it’s supposed to help and make you feel better. It doesn’t.

I went to my doctor and told her how bad I am. She doubled my dosage of Cymbalta, gave me a Xanax refill for the anxiety, and gave me Ambien because she said a lot of my symptoms sound like a lack of sleep, or lack of quality sleep.

Ambien works great. I fall asleep in less than an hour, which is new for me. Though in 2 out of the 3 nights I’ve taken it, Rob said the first night I was singing in my sleep, and the 2nd he told me “goodnight, I love you,” and ten minutes later I responded with “love you too.” So, yeah, that’s kind of strange. I guess that’s fine as long as I don’t start sleep walking or sleep eating or any of that weird shit.

The hardest part about being so depressed is the toll it’s taking on Sage. Her anxiety has been extremely high over the last month. It’s like our mental illnesses feed off each other. I hate myself at times because I get angry. I can’t control my anger. It’s not even anger at her specifically, it’s at this fucking anxiety and how I can’t help her out of it. We had a talk last night, and she knows I’m struggling just like she is. I feel like her childhood is ruined by all of this.

I really just broke down last night. I cried a lot, and that actually felt great because the urge has been there for a long time, but the tears would never come. I got angry with Rob because he does not seem to understand how serious this bout of depression is. He seems to be in his own world a lot and does not remember when I tell him important things. I’m fed up and it has to change. I’ve got the world on my shoulders and it’s time for him to carry some of the load.

I’ve got shit to do today. I’m pushing myself to meet some friends for lunch and plan a camping trip that I’m not all that excited about. Taking the kid for an orthodontic consultation after, and then she’s got her volleyball class. I also need to get to the grocery store at some point in there. Hopefully I won’t feel the need for a nap sometime in between, and will fall asleep without the ambien tonight. I read that it’s not addicting, but I can’t really believe that.