I need some advice. in Since OD is shutting down....

So things for me have been really hard lately. Emotionally, I’m just not in a good place. They found my tattoo guy and he’s being charged with murder. I didn’t have little one over the weekend because I’ve been really down this week and it wouldn’t have been fair to her to be around me all sad and shit. My roommate and I…well let’s just say I have never been more serious about him moving the fuck out.

So he was gone for a week. He came home last Friday night and didn’t speak a fucking word to me. I honestly don’t believe either one of us have said more than 2 sentences to each other for days now. This morning at 6:30 he wakes me up because one of our friends was here. I was pissed but I got up and talked to her. Then, they decide to leave and go hang out for about 3 hours and again, I don’t get an invite. As soon as they leave, I burst into tears. I am so fucking sick of being left out and blown the fuck off I could fucking scream.

They had come back after I had showered and what not. She came in my room to say bye because she had a 5 hour drive ahead of her. I break down in tears and she tries to comfort me. I told her that I just wasn’t happy. He was in his room and I know he could hear what was being said. Still, nothing. Then, I leave to run errands and come back to him sitting on the couch with a homie?!?!?! I am completely serious. This person doesn’t talk to me, makes NO EFFORT whatsoever but has the time of day for everyone else.

I come in my room thinking over what I’m going to say and I went back into the livingroom and basically said I was taking the day off and didn’t want company over. His friend is super apologetic and at that point, I felt really bad. My roommate however doesn’t say in a word. He merely walks in his room, grabs his purse, and heads out. He came back a couple of times earlier but didn’t speak a word.

I was texting a co-worker and told them I was still down so they offer to take my shift and I graciously accept. I am still really fucking down about everything and I knew that I wasn’t in a place to be at work. I can work while I’m down in the dumps but I can’t while I’m crabby as fuck too because then I’d pry go off on someone that doesn’t deserve it. I went to the chiropractor, got food, and came home to watch tv and nap. I feel a bit better since I’ve napped but if my roommate and I are going to continue in this silent treatment/cold shoulder routine then it’s only healthy for him to move out. I seriously can’t keep living like this.

Again, I want to make it clear that I accept that we both have our own lives and it’s good for us to get time apart. It just hurts that everyone else gets the best part of him and I get what’s left. I text him Sunday and said we needed to talk and he called and said he didn’t understand what would need to be talked about because he hasn’t been around in like 10 days. Um, okay well maybe that’s the fucking problem?!?!?! Maybe after him being gone for a week it would have been cool for him to at least talk to me when I get home from work?!?!

I am just so over this shit. I thought by him living with me I’d actually have someone to hang out with and confide in but he’s always made sure he’s never around and I always regret telling him anything because it gets thrown back at me later when he’s pissed. He hasn’t bought food or toilet paper in over a month and rent is due on Friday, I doubt he’s going to help pay it.

The sad part is I still love him and want him here with me but I also need someone who is consistent too. It honestly kills me how we go from hanging out in spurts and then it reverberates back to this shit and I don’t get why. He said that he didn’t talk when he got back because he was exhausted but there’s always some reason for him being distant and quiet with me.

I just feel like I’m in the middle of a never ending nightmare. It’s already been about 5 months of this exact same thing and I don’t know how much more I can take. He’s told me I’m lazy, I control people with stuff, and I’m childish because the other night I came home to him sitting on the couch with the windows open and the AC on and I asked why, he doesn’t answer so I slammed the fucking door when I left. I can’t be vocal or it just leads to an argument. I’m also real sick of being left with all the dishes and house cleaning because he just won’t do it, never has.

I have come to realize that I can only handle being blown off, ignored, and mistreated for so long until I fucking snapped and that’s what’s happened. This person always has time and energy for everyone but me and yeah, it starts to hurt. It makes me wonder why I’m not good enough to be around ya know? I feel like he put up a front in the beginning to get me to like him enough to want him to move in and once that happened, he has yet to make much effort. I just can’t get over how we used to go driving around for hours at a time, get take out, watch movies, go to movies, even sit outside and smoke. Now, we still sit outside but we don’t speak.

Lately, I go to work and talk like no other and then I get home and don’t say a word. I eat, watch tv, and then go to bed. I feel like everything is too broken to even try. I honestly feel more alone now than I have in a long time and I do blame myself. I was fine being by myself, just making money and living my life and then I let my guard down enough for someone to live with me and it’s NOTHING like I thought it would be and like it was in the beginning.

I know I’m not perfect and I don’t always do the right thing but I know I’ve been a good person to him and now I regret it. I even bought him shoes and a phone (he didn’t ask, I offered) and have even taken him lunch when he’s working. He hasn’t done any of that for me. I still do all the dishes. I still mop and vacuum. I have learned to just keep it all inside because there’s no point in saying anything anymore.

I just have to accept that this person doesn’t care about me and I cared too much. I usually can talk myself out of getting this upset about it but this time, it’s completely different. I think because it’s gone on for about 5 months now, it’s just affecting me more. No one around me has the same heart I do and that’s why I’ve gotten hurt so much. Loneliness was so much easier to deal with than having someone live with me that won’t give me the time of day and not only do I feel lonely but rejected, lost, angry and most of all…unwanted and unworthy.

All of this starts to make me feel really depressed because it’s like, am I that bad of a person that even my roommate doesn’t want to hang out with me?!?!? Like what the fuck have I done to deserve this life of solitude? I am so tired of fighting for people to hang out with me and no one really does unless they are getting something out of it. Even my own parents don’t come around unless they are getting shit. My Mom got $50 out of me the other day and we all know I’ll never get that back.

Anyways, I’m gonna watch some tv and enjoy my night because I work tomorrow. If anyone has any insight, please leave me a note.